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SYN Sabre

SYN Sabre

Posts: 2,924 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I just feel like posting a story.


Jace stood at the bank of the river, holding his crossbow. Slowly pulling down his facemask, he sat down and put his hand in the river water. The cool liquid washed his hand and he watched as the dirt and dust dissapeared. He got back up and reloaded his crossbow. He slid it onto his back, turned around, and slowly got up onto his horse. "Let's go." He said as he patted the horses neck. The horse took off toward the city, Jace looked behind and saw the moonlight shimmer over the water. "We're going back." Jace said as he patted his horse again. "We're going back."




No clue what it the storyline is, Might work more on it later. Plzz critique :) LOl I saw that u posted that "In example:" and once I saw it I noticed and I changed it before u even posted that it was misleading.

22-May-2010 20:02:21 - Last edited on 22-May-2010 20:10:25 by SYN Sabre

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Looks like it could be a good start for a story, Crimson.
One thing I would point out is that you seem to mix multiple actions into a single sentence.
In example: "Slowly pulling down his facemask he sat down and put his hand in the river water"
This is misleading sometimes, because people naturally assume that it was one action instead of two, due to them both inhabiting the same sentence.
It is a style, and some people enjoy it (it's more of an RP kind of style, rather than narrating style, which is what most stories are).
As such, I suggest that at minimum you add a comma. "Slowly pulling down his facemask, he sat down and put his hand in the river water"...Etc

22-May-2010 20:04:36 - Last edited on 24-May-2010 01:26:02 by Logan Shafts

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry, still put off reading your story, Crocefisso. I have saved it all in a word document, however. In doing so, I notice that you do not use quotes, which makes it very difficult for me to separate dialogue from narration.
I wrote my own story for a contest on another site, actually. It's 2,845 characters long.
The theme of that contest is "Heroic Death". I suppose I shan't post it here yet, just in case people here think it's a good idea for the next contest theme.
The point of this theme was to write about a main character that knew they were going to die before they actually did.
They didn't have to die, however. You could also have them change their fate with them having the knowledge of their death.
The setting, and how they gained such knowledge was left to the writer's imagination.

23-May-2010 03:54:06 - Last edited on 23-May-2010 04:03:40 by Aidyn Levet

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­­­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­ ­­ ­ ­-=[ATTENTION!]=-
The next contest is in!
The theme is: "On the Sea".
By this I mean that I want you to write about an adventure in/on/under/involving the sea. I strongly suggest that you focus on plot, because that will be the biggest part of your score in this contest.
Design as story that is original and captivating! I'm looking forward to all of your entries.
The rubric is as follows:
Plot: x/20 <-- Focus on this!
Adherence to theme:x/10
Grammar: x/10
Description:x/10
Total grade: x/50
The rules of the contest are on the first page.
Enjoy!

24-May-2010 01:32:51 - Last edited on 24-May-2010 19:38:14 by Logan Shafts

Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
As previously mentioned, I shall post my story this Friday/Saturday after my busy week is over.
However, in the rules, it says the story cannot be ripped off from somewhere. This is fine with me, but can it be posted on my thread AFTER I submit it here? Just need clarification on that.
Thanks,
Croce

24-May-2010 19:43:36

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