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Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hawks:
Let me try to clear up any confusion in that paragraph you posted by explaining my thought process behind it.
(I run for my life, tears still wet on my face, as the werewolves close in. I look back to see they are still behind me, but not by much.) Instinctively, he knows that the werewolves are still chasing him, and can hear occasional snarls and grunts from behind him. He doesn't know if any of the werewolves have given up, branched off or looped around to flank him. He looks back to see they are all bhind him in close pursuit.
(My foot caught in a gnarled old root, and I fell. Hard. I look up to see them upon me now, hunger in their eyes and darkness in their souls.) Again, by instinct, he falls and turns around, knowing he will die. He simply wants to face his death, and not be afraid of it.
(Out of panic, I cannot manage the sword out of its holster, and they are on the kill now. The first one lunges, and then the rest.) They have switched from their pursuit to a kill stance. They are watching, waiting for the alpha male, the one that strikes first. The others attack shortly after.
I hope that clears up that paragraph for you.

21-Apr-2010 04:14:11

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, I edited the story a bit. Mostly reformatting to break up the paragraphs, with a bit of Hawk's suggestions thrown in. Tell me if it's easier to read this way.
Edit: All my paragraphs are <5 lines long now. Does that work well, or is it too short?

21-Apr-2010 04:33:48 - Last edited on 21-Apr-2010 04:41:12 by Aidyn Levet

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ah! Much better, I didnt have any trouble keeping my place this time. And I even found that it read faster and better broken up like you have it now. Great job!
And no, the paragraphs don't seem too short to me :D
I would also like to say again, that I really like the story. I just love the twist at the end, I have a real thing for people at the mercy of any Gods, lol
†Hawky†

21-Apr-2010 06:22:02 - Last edited on 21-Apr-2010 06:27:23 by Esperanza

Legionnaire

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well I finally gain enough confidence to post some of my stories.They are not out yet but as soon as I finish typing them I post them here.Here a list of stories I will be posting :) .
1.Madness
2.A Goblin's Life
3.The Last Tear
4.This one will be on its own thread A Warrior's Trial.I'm not done editing it but the rest willl be out soon. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(
Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP
,
Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

22-Apr-2010 22:00:44 - Last edited on 22-Apr-2010 22:01:10 by Legionnaire

Legionnaire

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Madness
By FallenR**er

I told them that the barbarians were going to attack Azer,but no one believed me; they called me mad and crazy when I told them of my dream.The dreamed showed me the barbarians charging towards Azer with axes and siege weapons;however they said it was just a dream. Now Azer is up in flames and dead bodies litter the ground as vultures feast on them.

I was the only survivor because I knew my dream was telling the future."Ha! Whose mad now! You should've listened to me and everyone of you would still be alive!Do you hear me! You still be alive!" Oh how I feel so alone and isolated with no one to talk to.

I walk through the destroyed city; as the screams of innocent people ring through my ears.I feel like the entire world is coming down on me.The worst part is hearing the crying of children in the night; I can never fall asleep because their whimpering keeps me up every night.I lay they're each night waiting for the screams and whimpering to cease,but they never do.I wake up everyday and feel things crawling on my skin,but their nothing on my skin.I walk the streets and I hear the bodies talking to each other about how they will kill me and the vultures talking about how they want me dead; to feast on my.I try to leave the city,but I can't it feels like I'm cursed to wander around the Azer never to see another human being alive.

I don't think I can go on living like with this burden on my shoulder.I tried many times to end this...this life of my,but I can't because I am a coward.I can't eat and I can't drink because I can only taste death in my mouth.

"Why didn't you just believe me and you all would still be alive!" I shouted with tears coming down my cheek.

The wind blew and I shiver; its getting late I must go back to my house before the screams start to happen again.As I walk back to my house I hear voices talking and as I start to run towards my house the voices get louder.I feel as though the voices are following Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(
Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP
,
Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

22-Apr-2010 22:21:58

Legionnaire

Legionnaire

Posts: 20,901 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
me to my house.

"Stop talking please!It hurts, it hurts!" I yelled running faster to my house.

The voices grew louder and louder as I ran to my house.I trip over a body and fell to the ground; the voices were still talking.I struggle to get up and then I saw them; the spirits walking towards me with their hands strech out.I screamed,but no noise came out and then darkness happen.
The next day a group of warriors came to the destroyed city of Azer; they were horrified by the images in the city.As they explore the ruin city one warrior reports seeing a man with grey hair,a cane, and rags for clothes wandering around the streets mumbling things about a dream and voices.When the warrior approached the man; the man disappeared and the only thing the warrior heard was "You should've listen to me and you all be alive still". The warrior concludes that the man was a lost soul force to wander the villiege; never to find eternal rest. The warrior gave the lost soul a name.The Ghost of Madness.
Edit: Please comment on my story and tell me what I should fix as it will help me get better.I don't care who comments on my story or do constructive criticism as every writer goes through it. Time4Rants RIP Never Forget! 2010-2013, In Memory of Old Timer: ""I'm a doctor, not a spiritual medium!" RIP ;(
Shy Lego 2010-2011 RIP
,
Lego x LD= Forbidden Love. Legita=Forbidden Love

22-Apr-2010 22:22:59 - Last edited on 25-Apr-2010 01:48:18 by Legionnaire

BardZaros
Aug Member 2022

BardZaros

Posts: 245 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've been working on a dungeoneering journal-type story about the first party that went into the dungeons. I have to do some research and make sure names of stuff are spelled correctly before I post. After I post it (seeing as how it would be very difficult before), can you review it please?

23-Apr-2010 21:19:24 - Last edited on 23-Apr-2010 21:20:56 by BardZaros

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