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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nomercyman1:
I apologize, but I am positively sick of reviewing AoG based stories.
I did read your story, and I liked it. You had me surprised at the end, so good work.
But that’s all I can give you. =p

Raising Hawk:
Nomercyman1 pointed out the majority of the issues in your story.
There were a few things though, one being a line which he already noted.
You wrote: "The metal inside it cool against my skin," - This might come across better as "The metal inside is cool again my skin,". The difference is the "it" versus the "is", I think "is" represents your style better in this story.
For instance, in the beginning, you say "I am running. My sides heave, my lungs burn, but still I run." - This is first person, present tense. "I am" means, as far as tense is concerned, "At the moment I..."
The "is" represents this ("At the moment it...&quot ;) better, I believe.
You wrote: "the bark tares at my skinned palms."
As Nomercyman1 said, this should be "tears". Also, I wonder why the characters palms were skinned.
But you leave no explanation (that I caught, anyways). =p
You wrote: "I ignore them. I have already learned to keep ones mind focused."
A change between "I" and "one" is kind of awkward in this tense. I suggest "keep my mind focused".
As for the tense change between "I've done it" and "I did it", this is much easier to figure out if you expand on those statements a little. "I have done it" and "I did it". You may notice that both of them refer to a past achievement.
"I have done it, - this thing in the past which I did." and "I did it, this thing in the past which I have done".
Both are past tense references, and I don't think one is better than the other in this instance.
Another small thing, you wrote: "after all my hard work and dedication all he can say is for a human!"
I would say "all he can say is 'for a human'!"
The apostrophes (') make it a quote inside a quote, which makes it easier to read in my opinion.
Anyways, good work everybody.

20-Apr-2010 16:34:49 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 16:35:19 by Logan Shafts

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
First of all I'd like to say that it was a very good story. The plot was well balanced and thought out! I enjoyed reading very much!
Sense you wanted a review I will do my best to do one. I've never really done an depth on before so I will try my best. Also, if any of it seems mean then I am very, very sorry. I'm not trying to be mean, but I feel that if no one points out what we did wrong then we cant progress. So here goes!
Grammatical errors:
The thing I noticed really is that you switch tenses a little bit.
( looked solemnly into her face. We both knew what this meant) Sense you are in a present tense this should be "I look solemnly into her face. We both know what this means."
And
(I had been forsaken by Saradomin, which allowed Zamorak power over me.) Should be, I have been forsaken by Saradomin, who has allowed Zamorak power over me (I think to make that one sound right, you would have to switch the 'which' for 'who'.)
Also, I noticed your paragraphs are very long. The human brain needs to see indents and paragraphs to be able to keep its place on a page, without them the reader will have to keep stopping and finding their place again.
(Raising my slender sword above me, I bring it down, plunging it deeply into the writhing body of the last Zamorakian warrior left. I withdraw it quickly from the corpse and wipe its blood off the blade on a cleaning cloth, returning it to pearly white again, and sheath it. I walk slowly through the bog around me, cautious of any lurking beasts. A howl sounds in the distance. Werewolves no doubt. They will smell the blood soon, best not to stick around. I pick up my pace, wanting nothing more than anything to get out of the bog, but I can’t. I’m the only one left in my squadron, all the others were killed in the surprise attack. Larissa. We will never be together now. My knees give out under me, and I fall to the ground in tears. It is then that I see, even with my vision blurred by tears, the burgundy mess.)

20-Apr-2010 16:58:21 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 16:59:41 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Could be:
Raising my slender sword above me, I bring it down, plunging it deeply into the writhing body of the last Zamorakian warrior left. I withdraw it quickly from the corpse and wipe (the) blood off (the blade) on a cleaning cloth, returning it to pearly white again, and sheath it.
I walk slowly through the bog around me, cautious of any lurking beasts. A howl sounds in the distance. Werewolves (no doubt). They will smell the blood soon, best not to stick around. I pick up my pace, wanting nothing more than anything to get out of the bog, but I can’t. I’m the only one left in my squadron, all the others were killed in the surprise attack.

Larissa. We will never be together now. My knees give out under me, and I fall to the ground in tears. It is then that I see, even with my vision (is) blurred by tears, the burgundy mess.
It says the same thing, has the same meaning, but it is easier to read this way.
Also, sense we are on paragraphs, whenever one person stops talking and another begins it is a new paragraph. That way a book doesn't have to have a million 'I said' and 'she said'.
(She smiles at me and says “You really shouldn’t be wandering these bogs alone. They can be quite...dangerous.” She seems to find something satisfying about that. “Are you alright?” she asks, genuinely concerned. “Yes, I’m...fine.” I reply, still in awe. “Good,” she states matter-of-factly, “Then I won’t have to carry you back to camp.” She approaches me, still assessing any damage the werewolves might have caused. She circles around me and comes to a stop quite suddenly)
This should be
She smiles at me “You really shouldn’t be wandering these bogs alone. They can be quite...dangerous.” She seems to find something satisfying about that. “Are you alright?” she asks, genuinely concerned.
“Yes, I’m...fine.” I reply, still in awe.

20-Apr-2010 16:59:09 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 17:00:02 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Good,” she states matter-of-factly, “Then I won’t have to carry you back to camp.” She approaches me, still assessing any damage the werewolves might have caused. She circles around me and comes to a stop quite suddenly.

On another note, if you start a paragraph with 'she glared at me', then the person who speaks in that paragraph will be the glaring women. So in the above sentences a lot of the 'she asks' and 'she states' could be cut out.
For example:
She smiles at me "You really shouldn't be wandering these bogs alone. They can be quite... dangerous." Sense you started the paragraph with a 'she' we know that whoever talks after that will be the women. So the 'she asks, genuinely concerned' could be removed. If you want to say that she is concerned you could put instead 'She seems genuinely concerned.'
See what I'm getting at?
That is all I saw in the grammar department.
Now, for my personal taste.
"I withdraw it quickly from the corpse and wipe its blood off the blade on a cleaning cloth".
It sounds better to me like this
"I withdraw it quickly from the corpse and wipe (the) blood off on a cleaning cloth..."
Sense you already used it to describe the sword its a little confusing at first.
I run for my life, tears still wet on my face, as the werewolves close in. I look back to see they are still behind me, but not by much. They were inhumanly fast, so why hadn’t they caught up to me yet? My luck ran out just then. My foot caught in a gnarled old root, and I fell. Hard. I look up to see them upon me now, hunger in their eyes and darkness in their souls. I raise my arm up as protection as I fumble with my scabbard. Out of panic, I cannot manage the sword out of its holster, and they are on the kill now. The first one lunges, and then the rest. A flurry of gnashin* teeth and snapping jaws and spraying saliva, I do my best to flee them. They catch onto the plate leggings and drag me back towards the frenzy. I am being punished.

20-Apr-2010 16:59:15 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 17:00:20 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This whole thing confused me so I'll try to explain why.

(I run for my life, tears still wet on my face, as the werewolves close in. I look back to see they are still behind me, but not by much.) If you said the werewolves are closing in, the why do you need to say that they are still behind him, but not by much?
(I look up to see them upon me now, hunger in their eyes and darkness in their souls.) Ok, you already said that they are closing in on him, so we know right off that when he falls he is dog food. Also, it seems to slow it down a bit when you say 'I look up to see...'
My suggestion would be you use something like 'They are upon me now, hunger is in their eyes and darkness in their souls.
(...and they are on me now. The first lunges, and then the rest.) Again, we knew as soon as he fell they would attack him. I like the 'The first one lunges, and then the rest.) but the part about being on the kill now, even though is does sound really cool, just doesn't read smooth.

When you say that the light illuminated the forest, maybe you should say that the wolves fled from it. As it is, it doesn't say what happened to them.
Another suggestion I have is, try to use different words that have the same meaning. (I look down at myself to see my hands covered in blood, my clothes torn to shreds and covered in dirt.) You used covered twice in the same sentence, while this is fine you might try changing the last covered to something like 'smeared'.
'I look down at myself to see my hands covered in blood, my clothes torn to shreds and smeared with dirt." Says the same thing, means the same thing but just breaks it up a little.

20-Apr-2010 16:59:21 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 17:00:38 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now for the compliments!
Your story read very well, I was pulled in the second I started it. You made me want to find out what happens to him, you made me feel sorry for him when he killed the woman at the end.
"I collapse next to her body, and weep, knowing it was I who killed her. " I love this line! It really stuck with me

And I also love that you turned him into a toy of the Gods, that is a great twist to the story!
All in all, I really liked your story and I hope to see much more from you! Keep up the great work
†Hawky†
~The Original Drama Queen~

20-Apr-2010 17:01:05 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 17:05:29 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yay! Logan is back! :P
I see what you mean about the tense... they hate me! lol
And I just figured sense she had been climbing trees for 250 rounds that her hands would be skinned. Next time I do something like that I will make sure to expand upon it.
A big thanks to both of you!
EDIT: Also, Logan I have a question. How are you able to post stories here that aren't RS related? Is there somewhere that says we are able to?
I'm thinking about opening a thread with my stories on it, like your Shafts thread.
Thanks :)

20-Apr-2010 17:04:51 - Last edited on 20-Apr-2010 17:59:36 by Esperanza

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Raising Hawk:
This forum is predominantly used for RS related fiction, but I havn't been told by anybody that I shouldn't post non-related stories.
I believe the intent of this forum is to allow players to share their writing skills, and give them a common topic, namely RuneScape.
Thus writing off-topic stories shouldn't be against the rules, since it doesn't directly go against the purpose of the forum...So far as I know.
Anyways, if you post a thread with your stories on them, feel free to drop a QFC here so we can check em' out. =]

20-Apr-2010 20:54:01

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan:
I'm sorry to hear that you're sick of AoG based stories.
I'm thinking that my next story will be about Bob, of Lumbridge's "Bob's Axes", and why he doesn't sell dragon hatchets.
It's sure to be a fun short story to write, and perhaps a little amusing to read. Watch this space!
Hawks:
Thanks for the feedback. I seem to have a problem with paragraphs. I always write them in chunks.
About the white light.
I wanted to leave it to the readers imagination what happened to the werewolves, as I have this bright light caused by a spell, and then stop writing about them.
This leaves the reader wondering: did they flee? did they die? did they turn to stone? were they shrunken to the size of ants? etc.

20-Apr-2010 21:24:03 - Last edited on 21-Apr-2010 04:49:34 by Aidyn Levet

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