Now on to the simpler grammar mistakes.
“Skys” in the first sentence should be “skies”.
Later on, you don’t capitalize “Saradomin” a few times.
You wrote: “sword to the priests side” – This should be “priest’s” – the apostrophe indicates possession in this instance.
There were a few instances of comma splicing. This is a very easy mistake to make.
An example of comma splicing from you story is: “Alive, and serving meals.” – This is an excerpt from the end of the story. There is no necessity for the comma after ‘alive’, because you already have the word ‘and’ there.
In the future, you should try to remember that reading isn’t the same as talking. While talking, one would use a comma in that sentence (if the comma indicates a pause). But while reading, it doesn’t belong.
Now, for matters of personal opinion:
You wrote: “It wasn't metal, it was made out of clay. It was a fake. The priest died of mysterious causes the next night. “ – I don’t personally like the quickness of this, as if you’re casually explaining how the priest died the next day.
At the very least, I would relocate this and put a sentence between the two clauses.
You wrote: “The man ****** his head to the side.” – I am unsure what this word was, perhaps ‘lolled’? Whatever it was, you should try looking in a thesaurus to find a word that isn’t censored out.
And that’s about it.
I hope you don’t take my criticism too hard, I do this to every story. Nobody has perfect grammar. We all try our hardest, but there will always be something to point out regarding grammar.
The best way to ensure that your story is satisfactory is to read it to yourself over and over, or submit it to others for reviews like this one.
I hope to see more of your writing in the future! Thanks for posting your story here, it was a very enjoyable read.
05-Apr-2010 19:50:30
I'm not going to give it a score, since I'll never agree with myself
