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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ik oClock:
As you requested, here is a review of your story.
The name you placed on this story was very strange. “Remembering brings back the death” – Most people would want it to read “dead” instead of “death”.
However, I thought that because the story itself is actually more about the death than it is about the dead, your name was suiting.
For being a one-post story, I think you did a decent job of making the reader care for your characters. This is one of the hardest (and most important) things a writer has to do in a story of that kind, and you accomplished that.
Also, I really liked your main characters name ‘Tar’ – This is cool. Names are another difficult thing to get down as a writer, you don’t want them to be too long (as then they are irritating), but also don’t want them to be casual like “Bob” or “George” (at least not in this kind of writing), so good job there.
There were a few grammatical errors I’d like to point out.
You wrote: “Tar looked towards her village, or what was left from it.” – The ‘from’ should probably be ‘of’.
You wrote: “Very likely, we'll get caught and killed, but the change always exists that we will make it. So many went before us, and all off them made it. How were they helped? They say, that before they putted the killer of their family or friends to death,”
The ‘change’ should be *chance’, and ‘putted’ should just be ‘put’.
These are simple, easy to make mistakes, and one of the reasons it is so important to read your stories over to yourself. I make these kinds of mistakes constantly, but I do my best to go through and remove them after I’m finished writing, by proof reading repeatedly.
Moving on. =p
You wrote: "Well, remembering brings back the death, that's what dad used to say.” Used to say, indeed.
This is a sentence fragment. It’s not exactly ‘incorrect’ – but it’s not exactly correct either.
(Continued next post)

04-Apr-2010 19:13:48

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I would rewrite it to read “that’s what dad used to say.’ She thought to herself. Used to say, indeed, for he can say nothing anymore.”
There were a few commas that did*’t need to be there. For instance “He too, remembered many things about the village:” - There is no need for a comma after ‘too’.
And, “They say, that before they putted the killer of their family or friends to death” – there is no need for a comma after ‘say’.
Using commas correctly just takes practice. Most of the time we misuse commas as authors it is because we are writing in the same manner in which we would talk – but writing and talking are very different skills, and they have different rules.
Once again, this is fixable by simply reading the story over to yourself repeatedly.
Anyways, I found this story entertaining, and I look forward to further pieces from you. Maybe even a sequel? ^^ Keep up the good work. =]

04-Apr-2010 19:15:03

Ik oClock

Ik oClock

Posts: 7,198 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I always have problems with grammar, I hear this more. Anyway, thanks for the positive views on my story, and about the character: I always give my characters short names that still are uncommon. I'm not really good at making names up, because I always want my characters to have a "cool" name. I'll change the grammar right away! ^_^ oh, and BTW: reading it again really doesn't help me, I always think I'm right the first time :P
EDIT: about the used to say part, it should be a fragment. A fragment of what? I don't have the slightest idea ;)

04-Apr-2010 21:06:22 - Last edited on 04-Apr-2010 21:12:49 by Ik oClock

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mainiac97 wrote: "Can I post something new onto here, or is there a limit on how many things you can post?"
The answer is yes, you can post something new, and no, there is no limit as long as the things you post are 'new'. I don't want people spamming one story repeatedly - that's why I put an index on the first page, but new things are always welcome. ^^

04-Apr-2010 22:55:59

Novai Anaxes

Novai Anaxes

Posts: 253 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~~~~~~~~~Breaking Vows- Ratings, Violence- 2, Language- 1.5
*********- 0


The skys were dark and a heavy rain poured down from the heavens, the city of Varrock has seen better days. Some people in the city believed there was someone who could save them, and that gave them comfort. Others just bowed their heads and gritted their teeth against the hand fate gave them. Others spend their lives trying to change the minds of others, and that is what William did. He stood for hours by the rune shop in Old Town, preaching his beliefs.
"The glory of saradomoin will be salvation, listen to me." William had gotten desperate. He eventually stopped and stood there in the rain. A man in a top hat stopped and stared at him.
The priest didn't notice or care at the moment but after a while he spoke.
"Doesn't anyone believe in Saradomoin anymore?" He asked, on the verge.
"Is it not ironic for your belief in Saradomoin hinders you? You stand in the rain trying to dissuade these people from their 'corruption', and thus slowly break yourself down.
Willaim looked up and said in anger, "How dare you speak of Saradomoin like that, if I hadn't taken a vow, I'd smack your heathen mouth!"
The man ****** his head to the side. "I'm sure that is what Saradomoin would say. 'Listen to my beliefs or I'll hurt you.'. Yes, it sounds like him, the god who makes you stand in the rain as a human billboard."
William looked enraged. "May you burn in a thousand hells."
"So you do not feel the cold nor the rain? You could die." The man said, still calm.
"My faith is my shield." The priest said, taking deep breaths.
There was a long silence. The man looked confused then he lit up and smiled.
"Your faith is your shield? Well, what if you were to lose it." He touched a lump on his coat.
It was Williams turn to look confused. "What?"
The man drew out a pair of swords. The priest went pale, he tried to yell out but was thrown into an alley quickly.

05-Apr-2010 14:10:58

Novai Anaxes

Novai Anaxes

Posts: 253 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"You may not kill for it is a sin." He dropped the sword to the priests side. He picked up a crossbow from the bag he was carrying, he then aimed it at the priest.
"Please, sir, don't do this. You have a choice, I don't have anything." The priest picked up the sword slowly, he had never held one before.
"You have a choice too. You can die and keep your faith, or you can live and lose your faith. Three."
The priest gripped the sword like it was his life. "Please..."
"Two."
"Come on then!" The priest screamed. He held the blade in a throwing position.
"One."
One. The priest threw the sword at the same time the bolt flew from the cross. The sword cut the throat of the Man. The bolt hit the priest in the heart. It bounced off.
The priest took a moment to realize what had happened. He picked up the 'bolt'. It wasn't metal, it was made out of clay. It was a fake. The priest died of mysterious causes the next night.
When he tried to explain it on his death bed, they found the man who had been killed by him working in the castle. Alive, and serving meals. There is one or two people alive today who know this story. And just one who knows the explanation.
THE END.
If you read, please leave a comment, Give me some feed back or at least a rating
*/100
Thanks, if it has been enjoyed, I'll make more.

05-Apr-2010 14:15:17

BardZaros
Aug Member 2022

BardZaros

Posts: 245 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wow... I don't even know what to say. While reading it, as the ****** was coming up I felt myself read faster with the speeding up of the plot. I think that's right, I dunno, but that was great. 98/100 Could've been done just a little bit better but not by much, and there was one word that was censored that probably shouldn't have been but it doesn't really slow down the story.

05-Apr-2010 14:59:27

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