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Yoyayoya101

Yoyayoya101

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This man was Guthix who pleaded for the war to stop and for the gods to never roam Gielinor again. Zamorak could have easily beaten both gods, but he was not so heartless. His followers were tired, his defeated enemy begged for life, and much of Gielinor was destroyed and would never be the same again.
So Zamorak, being the kind and great god that he is, agreed to the treaty and left Gielinor along with the other gods. Unfortunately, Zamorak's followers were seen as a threat and were hunted all across Gielinor until only a few remained.

02-Apr-2010 22:33:55 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2010 22:35:43 by Yoyayoya101

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Interesting story; I liked the idea of writing the story from the perspective of a biased historian. It’s all too realistic, I’m afraid. =p
Anyways, this story was very entertaining, especially for one so short.
A few points of criticism:
You use the term “once ruled” quite often, this can be remedied by a decent thesaurus. I.E., ‘Once’ can be changed to “formerly’, ‘Ruled’ can be made ‘governed’, or ‘reigned’.
In the future, you should always examine your stories for over-used phrases, and then put your thesaurus to use. ^^
On another note, you wrote: "The swamps smelled of rot and decay and the swamps' waters turned red with blood."
This is overly definitive. I suggest simplifying. I.E., “The swamps smelled of rot and decay, the waters turned red with blood."
Another instance of this in your story is "Saradomin fled for his life with Zamorak in pursuit. Saradomin was caught by the winsome Zamorak.”
You can fix this easily, merge the sentences and remove the second mention of Saradomin. "Saradomin fled for his life with Zamorak in pursuit, but was soon caught by the winsome god." – I admit my rendition is clumsy. You should toy with it for a while until you’re satisfied with it.
You wrote: “"Zamorak's forces which roared with delight that shook the ground like a stampede of giants.”
Again I suggest simplifying. I.E., “"Zamorak's forces’ roars of delight shook the ground like a stampede of giants." – Again, toy with it until you’re satisfied.
And one more minor mention, you wrote: "This man was Guthix who pleaded for the war to”
I suggest you put a comma in there, that’s all. I.E., "This man was Guthix, who pleaded for the war to"
Note: I only wrote this to point a few of my own opinions out to you; it is up to you to decide if any of them are valid. In spite of the criticism, I think it was a wonderful entry and I wish you good luck in the competition.

02-Apr-2010 23:03:27

Yoyayoya101

Yoyayoya101

Posts: 294 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan, thanks for the comments. I didn't think about anything like that when I was writing the story. Yeah, it is a bit too realistic, but I also had to make up a bit of it. I hope to write and post more stories on here in the future.
P.S. Have you ever thought of being an editor (if you aren't already)? I think that you would be good at it. Well, based off of your posts that is.
Edit: I knew I used "once ruled" a few times but did not realize that I used it too much. Hopefully I will see mistakes like this and correct them in the future.

02-Apr-2010 23:45:09 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2010 23:52:56 by Yoyayoya101

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
One rarely thinks of it while one is writing - this is why I always read my stories a dozen times after I write them.
I didn't mean that the story was too realistic, just that the bias of historians was. The story was quite good, and I thought it worked well, from the perspective of a Zamorakian historian (though I'm no runescape history buff).
I'm not an editor, and I would prefer to be a writer, personally. But I would take a job editing if that was my option. =p

02-Apr-2010 23:54:31 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2010 23:54:39 by Logan Shafts

Indespeo

Indespeo

Posts: 3,208 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Morytania was the fetid bog comprising the East Land past the Salve River a salvation to the kind of Zamorak, the one place far from the Saradominist West Land . Of the many denizens of the wastes choked with evil so black the sun’s ray cannot penetrate the Black Knights stand apart one group in particular the first and last, The Creed of Zamorak. From Port Phasmatys to the Salve, all the way to forgotten Mor’ton they were there and they all survived.
The final siege was the Burgh de Rott and the city to the east. Zamorak’s armies filed in from all corners of the land as Saradomin’s last stronghold prepared for what would be the deciding chapter in the histories of Morytania. The Saradomin soldiers held their breath in anticipation. It is said that the army descended with such speed and force the watchers and scouts did*’t get the chance to respond. The walls stood to defend the town from assault, yet they fell.
The soldiers were laid waste to. Their abodes were left as raging infernos and the sky above was red like the blood soaked grasslands. The Saradominists were quick to regroup and counterstrike. Zamorak’s line was annihilated by the sheer strength of Saradomin, Efaritay gave them mad hope.
To end the slaughter a lone soldier of The Creed of Zamorak challenged Efaritay to mortal combat to stop the needless bloodshed. The legends of the Icyene came up short. She was gigantic. He stood before the large woman, and drew his sword. A cheer rose from the Zamorak legions as he started up a run towards her.
Her sword moved gracefully like a swan. The soldier found himself on the floor with half a sword and Efaritay towering above him. He brought up his sword to block the downward swipe. The strike averted hers, costing him his weapon in the process. Efaritay’s blade caught him by the plume of his helmet. He squirmed away, and rose. Fear was across his face.
The weak deserve to die so the strong may flourish. Zamorak give me strength!

03-Apr-2010 00:03:10

Indespeo

Indespeo

Posts: 3,208 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
His thoughts echoed in the silence, his prayer unanswered. His sword was heavy in his hands. He brought it up blindly in defense hitting something. When he looked, Efaritay was frozen in place. In his hands was a superior Zamorakian version of an Icyene’s blade.
“Die Efaritay!” He commanded, striking at her.
In case it wasn't obvious enough this was my AOG contest story. I'd very much like a review or two on this.

03-Apr-2010 00:04:29

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Akriloth35:
Your story was a fun read. You have a good knack for jumping right into the action. This makes the story more exciting, and you did a good job of describing the battles.
Since you asked for reviews, I do have a few points of criticism to make.
For one, you seem to have a difficulty figuring out where to place commas. Don't worry, almost every writer struggles with this art.
Most use commas far too often, you seem to use them far too sparingly. Let me give you an example (though I won't point out every instance).
You wrote: "Morytania was the fetid bog comprising the East Land past the Salve River a salvation to the kind of Zamorak, the one place far from the Saradominist West Land."
This is an extremely confusing sentence - mostly due to the lack of punctuation. You should try adding commas. Then split it up and rearrange it.
I.E., "Morytania was a fetid bog, comprising the eastern lands past the Salve River. It was a salvation to the kind of Zamorak, being the one place far from the Saradominist filled western lands."
That may be more words, but that can be sorted out later. It is much easier to read any sentence if there is punctuation. Also, don't make sentences unnecessarily long.
Another common mistake is to mix up "to" and "too". You wrote: "The soldiers were laid waste to."
This should be "The soldiers were laid to waste too". Remember, "Too" means "as well", while "To" usually means 'toward', or 'upon'.

03-Apr-2010 00:55:47

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