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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bard Zaros:
I would guess that the Governor was supposed to be Mod Mark Gerhard, as he was the CEO of Jagex at the time of the events which were mentioned in the story, I think. =p
And there are a number of possibilities for the beast, it could be a personification of the wildy, or Runescape itself, or the fans/players...who knows.

Mainiac:
I will get around to reviewing it shortly, but I'm kind of busy at the moment so give me a bit please. Thanks.

03-Apr-2010 19:11:02 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2010 19:12:06 by Logan Shafts

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mainiac97:
Here is a review of your story, as requested.
I found this story interesting, but it was hard to get into. In the future, I would encourage you to space your paragraphs apart from each other with at least one empty line.
There were parts of the story that were plainly humorous, which was good. For instance, you wrote: “and more sand” and then “you guessed it – sand”, that was quite entertaining.
When doing these kinds of jokes, it is fine to stick with a single word to explain an object. On the other hand, during other parts of the story, you may want to look up different words for that object.
For instance, in describing sand, you might say ‘glimmering mountains of tan granules.” Etcetera.
There were a few minor spelling errors, I.E., “go before he reached any civilisation.” – this should be “Civilization”. Also, “and his skin was shrivelled up by the sun* - this should be “Shriveled”
In this style of writing, keeping each sentence pristine isn’t of such importance, so I’m not going to go through and point out any of the places where I would have written it different – because it’s your story.
Over all, I liked the idea quite a bit. Also, the whole deal with the beast leaves the reader wondering – what kind of beast is it? What does it represent metaphorically? Did the governor die, or just get beaten up?
Those are just a few of the questions you leave to the reader’s imagination. It was an enjoyable read.
Thanks for sharing. ^^

03-Apr-2010 21:21:18

Ik oClock

Ik oClock

Posts: 7,198 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A short one:
Remembering brings back the Death
Tar looked towards her village, or what was left of it. How many great things had she not done there? She could remember playing with her neighbors when she was three years old, she could remember kissing a boy five meters from her house, hoping they would not get caught. She could remember meeting a dog for the first time. Oh, what she could not remember?
"Well, remembering brings back the death, that's what dad used to say." Used to say, indeed. He can say nothing anymore. Nor can her mother, nor can the boy she had kissed and hoped they would not get caught. A tear rolled down her cheek.
As the moon shone upon that tear, she turned around, the tear falling on the ground. An old man stood behind her. "You can look as much as you like," He said, "But it will bring back nothing. Nor will the revenge we are going to take, but it will feel a lot better then looking to the village." A tear rolled down his cheek, too. "We should go," he then added before turning around and not looking back.
Tar followed, as the old man had expected. He too remembered many things about the village: How he had first seen his grandson kissing the girl behind him and not telling the boys father. He could remember meeting a talking dog in the circus, some nice acting. He could remember his wife, laughing with him as they danced on their wedding. Oh, what he could not remember? "Remembering brings back the death. Indeed Tar, indeed."

As they moved towards the most nearby village, the two only survivors walked on a hill. "After this hill we can not see the village anymore, Tar, and we will probably never see it again. Very likely, we'll get caught and killed, but the chance always exists that we will make it. So many went before us, and all off them made it. How were they helped? They say that before they put the killer of their family or friends to death, the family or friends could be seen. Remembering brings back the death."

03-Apr-2010 21:39:18 - Last edited on 04-Apr-2010 21:12:30 by Ik oClock

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-=[Attention!]=-
I wanted to let everybody know that I will be choosing my weekly favorite on Tuesday.
If you want your story to have a chance to be chosen as the weekly favorite, you must post it before midnight on Monday.
Normally the deadline would be before midnight on Sunday, but because Sunday is Easter, I'm moving it back a day.
Goodluck, and have a happy, fun Easter. ^^

03-Apr-2010 22:31:56 - Last edited on 04-Apr-2010 07:21:24 by Logan Shafts

Jeneevee
Dec Member 2022

Jeneevee

Posts: 61 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Logan, this thread was a very good idea. I might post a story here in a bit, as I always have ideas for stories, but don't necessarily know where to put them down. I'll post one as soon as I think of something.

03-Apr-2010 22:49:02 - Last edited on 03-Apr-2010 22:49:23 by Jeneevee

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I might write up a short story for people to read here. Usually, my stories are 'spur-of-the-moment' inspirations. Sometimes this is a good thing, but at other times, not. I try to just let my ideas flow, and not limit them to a pre-conceived idea.

03-Apr-2010 23:03:07

Mainiac97
Mar Member 2021

Mainiac97

Posts: 2,132 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for reviewing, Logan, and leaving your feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to read over it.
In reply to your note about the paragraphing, I copied it from MS word. The next time I post something onto the forums, I'll sperate it with gaps, because it makes it easier to read when there are gaps. It's just the forums.
Can I post something else onto here, or is there a limit to the amount of stories you can post?

04-Apr-2010 15:00:37 - Last edited on 04-Apr-2010 15:00:51 by Mainiac97

BardZaros
Aug Member 2022

BardZaros

Posts: 245 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ik oClock... that was great! I loved how it ended on a cliffhanger and how, throughout the whole story, we are left wondering what happened to the village. I for one, can't wait for the sequel.

04-Apr-2010 15:18:13 - Last edited on 04-Apr-2010 15:19:28 by BardZaros

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