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Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I had been forsaken by Saradomin, who has allowed Zamorak power over me. Although I still fight for Saradomin by day, I am forever cursed to do Zamorak’s bidding on the rise of a full moon.
This is the price I pay for my sins, bearing it heavily upon myself. For this reason, I have left the Order if the White Knights to live a life in seclusion.
I am now the rope in Zamorak and Saradomin’s game. The game, tug-of-war, never has had such true meanings. For it is the tug of the Gods, in their war, that truly drives me now.
And so I know now that there truly is only one god whose power made me what I am, and it proves the rumours are true. The God of Balance has awoken.


It looks a whole lot better in MS Word than on the forums, but hopefully, the meaning is still there. I'd like a review, and any comments or criticisms are appreciated.

18-Apr-2010 06:12:57 - Last edited on 21-Apr-2010 04:37:39 by Aidyn Levet

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Which? The one I posted here, or that I gave the QFC to? Because the one on here wasn't entered, which is why I put it up here. :P
Edit: I realized I hadn't given my story a title. So, how about "In the Tug of War".

18-Apr-2010 07:06:49 - Last edited on 18-Apr-2010 19:20:57 by Aidyn Levet

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here is a story from me. It's not my normal writing style so it may be a bit strange. I was playing around with tenses'.

An Agile Mind

245… 246… 247…
I am running. My sides heave, my lungs burn, but still I run.
Across the log and over the wall, my blood is pounding in my ears. I grab at the tree, the bark tares at my skinned palms. I grind my teeth, pulling myself up and onto the landing. Then I am running again.
The course coaches yell at me and the other trainees. They don’t yell to encourage us, they yell to distract us, to see if they can break our concentration and make us fall. I ignore them. I have already learned to keep ones mind focused. I learned it the hard way.
248… 249…
I think my heart is going to burst, never have I run like this, never have I wanted so badly to reach the end.
I grab the unfinished bill board, my arms and back scream with pain. Swallowing tears I quickly get across it. I make the short jump to the landing, grab the railing and slide over it into the dark tunnel. The metal inside it cool against my skin, I keep my arms tucked, least I skin an elbow. I’m almost sorry to leave the tunnel… almost.
I land with a thud. The grass crushes under my boots, filling the air with a tangy smell.
250…
My heart leaps into my throat. I’ve done it! Finally!
Excited, I look around, one of the trainers is standing at the front of the course. He is looking at me; under his arm is a box.
I walk slowly towards him. My legs feel weak; they wobble and threaten to drop me as I make my way across the field. The other trainees dodge around me. I am giddy with excitement. I’m grinning so hard my face hurts. I’m sure I look like a fool, but I don’t care. I’ve done it!
I reach the little man. He looks me up and down for a second, grunts, then hands me the simple wooden box. My hands tremble as I take it. Licking my dry lips I carefully lift the lid.
(continued)

18-Apr-2010 23:50:19 - Last edited on 18-Apr-2010 23:56:53 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Inside is a skirt and kneepads the likes of which I have never seen before. They are made of a strange dark grey material, plated with what looks like silver, only it’s much to light to be.
My heart beats faster; is that even possible? I gently remove the garments from the box, letting it fall to the soft green ground.
Dazed, I run my hands over them. The cloth is soft to the touch, strong yet flexible. And the weight! They are so light it feels as if I am holding nothing!
I look back up to the little man, he is watching me. His eyes crinkle at the corners. He’s amused with my childish delight.
He nods at me “Not bad… for a human.”
My jaw drops. All of my excitement and pleasure vanish. For a human! I glare at him. He ignores me and goes back to yelling at trainees.
Frustrated, I kick the box. For a human my boot! After months of training, after all the pain I went though, after all my hard work and dedication all he can say is for a human! I’ve never felt so angry or insulted in my life! This definitely wasn’t worth all that!
I look again at the garments in my hands, and stop… the light is shining off the silvery material.
Mesmerized, I gently run my fingers along the seams, marveling at the way the fabric clings to my fingers.
My excitement returns and I forget all about the disagreeable Gnome. I sprint from the course, heading for home. My skin is just itching to see what my new armour feels like.
I am wrong; it is worth it… well worth it!

Hope you like! Also anyone is welcome to comment and I'd love a review.
I also have a couple of questions:
Does it stay in the same tense throughout the whole thing?
Does it read well? And is this style of writing 'dry'?
Thanks!
†Hawky†
~The Original Drama Queen~

18-Apr-2010 23:50:42 - Last edited on 18-Apr-2010 23:59:40 by Esperanza

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nice writing everybody. Your stories have been added to the index.
I'm still lost for time to review your stories, I apologize.
So everybody knows, I have put off the 'weekly story' contest until tomorrow. Post your story before midnight tonight, and you'll be applicable.
And goodjob Raising Hawk on being last weeks choice. =]

19-Apr-2010 19:28:20

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
@RaisingHawks
Does it stay in the same tense throughout the whole thing?
The only example I could find of past tense being used when it probably shouldn't is in
"My heart leaps into my throat. I’ve done it! Finally!"
should be
My heart leaps into my throat. I did it! Finally!"
I counted that same tense change happening twice in the first post.
Does it read well?
It could read better, but it is done well.
Is this style of writing 'dry'?
I don't find it dry. I was fully absorbed by it.
There are a few spelling/grammatical errors I'd like to point out.
"I grab at the tree, the bark tares at my skinned palms"
should be
"I grab at the tree, the bark tears at my skinned palms"
Also,
"The metal inside it cool against my skin, I keep my arms tucked, least I skin an elbow."
should be
"The metal inside it cool against my skin, I keep my arms tucked, lest I skin an elbow."
"They are made of a strange dark grey material, plated with what looks like silver, only it’s much to light to be."
Wrong use of "to", should be
"They are made of a strange dark grey material, plated with what looks like silver, only it’s much too light to be."
Slight typo here
"After months of training, after all the pain I went though, after all my hard work and dedication all he can say is for a human!"
should be
"After months of training, after all the pain I went through, after all my hard work and dedication all he can say is for a human!"
I would also add a comma after "dedication"
There were a few instances where commas were needed where there were none, or vice versa. I'll only put an example for each.
The most obvious one was
"Swallowing tears I quickly get across it."
should have a comma in it to read better
"Swallowing tears, I quickly get across it."
One that was harder to spot was
"Excited, I look around, one of the trainers is standing at the front of the course."
The comma after "around" should instead be a full stop or semicolon.

19-Apr-2010 23:18:14 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2010 23:19:18 by Aidyn Levet

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now, for some personal input, if I may? All this is matter of opinion, so take it to heart or simply discredit it. Your choice.
I think that for the first sentence,
"I am running. My sides heave, my lungs burn, but still I run.",
it would flow better as
"I am running. My sides heaving. My lungs burning. But still, I run."
Also, when you describe your character landing
"I land with a thud. The grass crushes under my boots, filling the air with a tangy smell.",
I would change "under my boots" to "under my weight". I also doubt that you really need to describe a tangy smell being released by the grass. Unless gnome grass in known for it's tangy scent whenever you crush it, then it works fine :P .

19-Apr-2010 23:25:45 - Last edited on 19-Apr-2010 23:26:10 by Aidyn Levet

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thank you Nomercyman1, I will take everything you said into account.
I was wondering it is was suppose to be 'done' or 'did'. Guess I know now :P
Again, thank you.
Anyone else want to comment? I can only get better with help!
†Hawky†
~The Original Drama Queen~
P.S. Don't think your getting off easy Logan! I want a review from you too :P but no rush, just whenever you can.

19-Apr-2010 23:57:26

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