forums.rs

Forums

Well Told Tales

Quick find code: 49-50-636-60690976

of 90
Ik oClock

Ik oClock

Posts: 7,198 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So I finally found out you reviewed me :P The thing about placing text on a new line is just not my style. I actually find books doing it annoying...
About do not/don't: I use do not when I want to show the importance of not. It's like saying to a child "Do NOT play with the ball." The "not"-part of the sentence is more important in this situation then when the sentence would say "Don't play with the ball." Also, I double-checked and it turned out I let my character said can't somewhere:
"You got wet too. And it's just a day to walk in the rain. Can't stay behind."
Other then that, I found the grammar help useful and chancgcgcgcged it to see fit. Thank you for the review :D

20-May-2010 07:29:17

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your very welcome, I hope nothing I said came off as being mean, because I didn't mean it that way.
I'm glad though you found some of what my mad little mind said useful :P
And about the paragraph thing, it can actually be really useful.
When you are doing speach the 'person' that starts out the paragraph is the one that talks in it.
Soooo... you can start the paragraph with a 'she' and then the female in that paragraph will be the one to talk. Saving you haveing to say 'she said'
She tipped her head to the side "Where are we going next?"
Instead of She tipped her head to the side "Where are we going next?" She said.
Also, sense that rule is in place, when you have two people talk in the same paragraph the reader instantly thinks the leading identity is the one talking. It can be confusing to figure out which is the actual speaker.
She tipped her head to the side "Where are we going next?"
"I'm not sure." He squinted at the map.
Instead of She tipped her head to the side "Where are we going next?" she said "I"m not sure" he replied and squinted at the map.
Of course that is just an example, and so not very confusing. It gets trickier to understand when the 'people' are talking about one thing and are having a full conversation.

Hope that helps a bit :D
*Hawky†

20-May-2010 14:44:01 - Last edited on 20-May-2010 15:05:39 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crocefisso

Wow... this was very good. The plot twist was awesome. At the beginning I was sure the teacher was the devil, but you changed it around to something completely different. Very good!
There were only a couple things that stuck out to me.
You repeat the same words a little bit, try to mix it up a little.
You said "Inside the classroom was stuffy and hot. The windows were open, but they did little to counter the stifling heat. Hot air circulated between the fields outside and the classroom."
You've already said classroom once in that paragraph, so in our heads we can see it. In the second sentence you tell us about the heat, so now we see a class room in the summer in a rural area. But the third sentence you just call it a classroom again, when you could have said something else that would still mean the same thing and that way give us more of the picture.
For instance, if it was a small classroom you could have said "Hot air circulated between the fields outside and the tiny room."
See what I mean?
Another one I noticed was "With seamless ease he walked to his desk and placed his suitcase upon it with a loud bang." Sense you already used loud bang to describe the opening door, trying replacing bang with thud or something else along those lines.
And again here "This one, however, was empty. The bottom of the suitcase, however, was nowhere to be seen." The second however to me could simply be removed and it would flow much better.

(continued)

20-May-2010 22:42:11 - Last edited on 20-May-2010 22:46:05 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I also noticed that you don't show us the identity of the speakers in your paragraphs very well.
Well then, the irate moon began, I shall have to elucidate. It’s really quite simple. This is the great planet of Guanine. The boy looked perplexed. If this were true, was it possible he was inside DNA, wondered the boy. He decided to follow this theory and continue questioning the moon.

It reads better as
Well then, the irate moon began, I shall have to elucidate. It’s really quite simple. This is the great planet of Guanine.
The boy looked perplexed. If this were true, was it possible he was inside DNA? He decided to follow this theory and continued questioning the moon.
It you do it that way, you can cut out 'wondered the boy' because we can see that he is wondering. Also, I added a question mark because that seems like more like a question then a statement.
Those are the only things I noticed.
I hope nothing I've said here seems mean, that is not the way I intended my feedback.
Also, your imagery is very good, I could see everything! There was also no point in the story were I was bored, a little confused maybe, but not bored.
I hope to see alot more from you!! :D
Thanks for posting!
†Hawky†
~The Original Drama Queen~
P.S. I'm sorry it took me so long to give this review, I have been way busy with work.

20-May-2010 22:44:13 - Last edited on 20-May-2010 22:44:41 by Esperanza

Quick find code: 49-50-636-60690976 Back to Top