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Well Told Tales

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Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Because, the moon began, forward and backward are interchangeable terms which rely heavily on perspective. To say one thing and is backward and another is forward is absurd and pointless. Backwards and forwards, weights and measures, long and short; all are mere preconceptions of mankind that mean very little in the grander scheme of everything. Do you agree, boy?
Yes, said the boy. Of course, he was lying, but he daren’t tell the moon.
PART III:
Inside the classroom, the children awoke. It was nighttime – from the open windows, cold air was flooding in. Bleary eyes children – each as confused as the other – lifted their heads to see moonlight flooding the room. Inexplicably, they were seated at their individual desks.

There was no sign of any suitcase or, for that matter, any teacher, all that remained was a room of pupils. The tension in the air was tangible. No one spoke, no one even moved. On the blackboard by the window was simply written: ‘Define reality.’ One boy came to his sense a little quicker than the rest. He got up and walked towards the board. Once there, he picked up the chalk and wrote: ‘It can not be done.’ As he did so, he glanced outside at the full moon. And, just for an instant, the boy could have sworn the moon smiled at him. Just for one fleeting moment.
~~~Feedback is appreciated.

16-May-2010 19:38:54 - Last edited on 16-May-2010 19:40:59 by Crocefisso

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks Crocefisso for the post!
I shall read it in more detail later and give my feedback (I cant right now as I have to go to work in a wee bit)
I'm not sure if you've posted here before, so if not let me be the first to say Welcome to Thread!!
†Hawky†
~The Original Drama Queen~

17-May-2010 19:01:37

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ik oClock I'm going to give you a reveiw sense you asked for one and Logan is still busy. Mine probably won't be as in depth as Logans would be, but I'll do my best :P
First things first, when one person stops talking and another begins it becomes a different paragraph.
So instead of:
"Now it's my turn to walk in the rain." The man stopped his train of thoughts. The reason he was walking in the rain (and had cried, and had said goodbye to his old life for) walked a little more to the right. She was walking in the rain now, too. The man opened his mouth. "But you'll get all wet!" "You get wet too. And it's just a day to walk in the rain. Can't stay behind." She giggled, and lay her arm on her lovers shoulder.

It would be:
"Now it's my turn to walk in the rain."
The man stopped his train of thoughts. The reason he was walking in the rain (and had cried, and had said goodbye to his old life for) walked a little to the right. She was walking in the rain now, too.
The man opened his mouth. "But you'll get all wet!"
"You get wet too. And it's just a day to walk in the rain. Can't stay behind." She giggled, and lay her arm on her lovers shouler.
See what I mean?

The other thing I noticed is the use of your words.
"...and lay her arm on her lovers shoulder. The man lay his arm on her shoulder..."
I beleive that instead of 'lay' it should be 'laid'. The next sentence with him putting his arm around her should be changed too.
"Almost better as singing"
The 'as' should be 'then'.
"It seemed that bad news always was told to you on rainy days."
This sentence is confusing because of the placement of 'always' and 'was'. It reads much smoother if you switch the two. "It seemed that bad news (was always) told to you on rainy days."
"But it certainly was good news."
To me the 'certainly' should not be here. "But it was good news." Easier to understand that way.
(continued)

18-May-2010 02:50:45 - Last edited on 18-May-2010 02:52:37 by Esperanza

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"You get wet too..." I think you ment to say you'll.
Also, when humans talk we don't say 'do not' and 'would not', we say 'don't' and 'wouldnt'. It makes the story read more like a real person, and not a machine, is living the story.
Other then those things your story was very good!
I like how you made the reader think that it was going to be sad at the very begining when you start talking about the rain, but changed it to a happy story.
Thanks for posting it! I'm looking forward to seeing more from you :D
Great job!!
EDIT: Crocefisso I will give you your feedback tomorrow, I'm afriad I don't have the brain power to reveiw anything that long tonight :P

18-May-2010 02:51:45 - Last edited on 18-May-2010 02:54:56 by Esperanza

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