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Shafts of Imagination

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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wow Dreamweaver, you snuck up on me there - I was posting a story when you were writing.

I'll read that stuff in a moment, I'm just posting this so you know I didn't ignore it and post a story as if you hadn't written anything.

Just trying not to seem rude, lol.

Brb. =p

30-Apr-2010 06:36:28

Dreamweaver
Aug
fmod Member
2003

Dreamweaver

Forum Moderator Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Rudeness is the last interpretation I'd make, Logan. :) Having said that, I'm still trying to get over your last comedy *shudders*. Nightmares tonight!

I'm out for this evening. Have a splendid night, and I'll check back here tomorrow.

Dreamweaver

30-Apr-2010 06:43:16

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I lost connection last night due to a storm. Sorry.
Here's what I wrote last night in response to your feedback. =p


Dreamweaver:

Ah! Thank you for reading my stories, and thanks very much for the criticism. I will look into each thing you mentioned and edit them accordingly.

Here are my responses to your comments, in a format relative to your own.



Shafts of Imagination

The part in the first sentence "of your mind" didn't sit well with me either, but I honestly couldn't come up with anything else to indicate the actual point of the story.

I do look into repeated words, but due to it being my own writing, it is hard for me to view it in a critical light. As such, your comments are all the more appreciated.

As for the specific word "Shaft" - that was intentionally repeated. I thought it would help make things more clear - which seems ever more important in that story as nobody seems to 'get it'.



To Douse the Sun

Thanks. I have looked into that since writing it. I also don't like how I have whole paragraphs of dialogue. But once again I couldn't find a way to mend it. It will likely be a very careful task of refining to be carried out over a long period of time (preferably as my skill in writing grows). =p

Your re-wording of it is probably better. I have a bad habit of using the word "However" in a more old-English style which puts it at the beginning of a following sentence rather than at the end of the sentence it should be affecting. I think it's old-English, anyways; I certainly picked it up somewhere.

As for the last sentence, this is the wording of a tree. The pronouncement is that the tree will not allow rain or sun (signifying fury and anger) a place on the ground below him where she (the main character) dwells. I may re-word that as well, if I become inspired with something to replace it with.

30-Apr-2010 16:26:05 - Last edited on 30-Apr-2010 16:27:43 by Logan Shafts

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Cycle

I'm glad you enjoyed this - Poetry isn't really my thing, to be honest. But I do occasionally come up with things, and this was the original form of "To Douse the Sun".

I did in fact mean "Sheer" - it is a subtle play on words, the fury is sheer, and shears. But perhaps it should be changed nonetheless if that isn't apparent to the reader. I don't want it to be confusing.

And yes, the (to) was out of place. But it is another play on words, which I incorporated in a more obvious manner. This should also be changed, perhaps - as it may mess with the rhyme itself in the readers mind, but I'm not sure.



Untitled

Thanks, it was actually a good bit of practice for my first person writing skills - something which was tested considerably in the AoG Competition, and failed. This piece was written soon after the competition, and I think it was the beginning concept which has inspired me to write all of these other stories sense.

I will consider it. I have tried desperately to avoid semi-colons; because I tend to use them far too often (and occasionally in the wrong context) if I let myself use them at all; it's quite addicting. xD

I do see your point there. I will try to find a rewording for 'abruptly', and will probably just remove 'before long'.

And you're correct again, the comma doesn't belong. It would if I were speaking. But it doesn't belong in the story. =p

It did actually have a title. "The Sun Smells too Loud". But a few problems with that were brought up - one was that I had already used Sun in "To douse the Sun", which made it look strange on my index. The other was that "The Sun Smells too Loud" is apparently the name of some obscure bands CD. Meaning that when I went to Creative Commons they said the name didn't work. =p

30-Apr-2010 16:26:21

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Toil

Thanks very much. This one was written in a total of around 15 minutes for a short contest, and then refined at a later point before I posted it here. For instance, the part about "rock hard defenses" was an addition after the original writing. =p



Synergy

I agree. I think that maintaining internal sense may be something that is only enhanced with time and practice for a writer though (as opposed to simply being a rule to remember), in which case I'll get it eventually.

As for the 'mildly surprised' portion: I have actually written a few other stories about the Fox that may explain this a bit more. He's a magical creature who is hundreds of years old. He often traps people in various situations and forces them to answer his riddles to get out of them.

But in this story, he has been trapped by another character named "Eliminster" who is a mysterious wizard. Anyways, the Riddler Fox leads an extraordinarily exciting life, but has a very laid back temperament, and it is thus rather hard to surprise him. I haven’t posted the other stories because they're lacking in a lot of aspects in my opinion. In light of this I may edit the 'mild surprise' bit on the story I posted here. We'll see.

Thanks for pointing that out. I occasionally still struggle with the concept of apostrophes. I understand the rules about "plural versus possessive", but sometimes when I'm writing I have trouble remembering which is what. =p



Nature

Thanks. I'd like to point out that I am not a human hater (nor do I think that most humans are egocentric), but since my audience is mostly human, I figured that I should direct my message mostly at them rather than at the sun and moon who rarely listen to me.

As for naming Ivy, I assumed that "Poison Ivy" was a name in itself, and thus it needn't be capitalized. But I'm not completely sure on that one...

30-Apr-2010 16:26:47

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It is true, but other species are directly involved in the doings of man, regardless of their preference in the matter. That is part of the point of the story, actually - that each part is connected to the other in a nearly umbilical manner.

No, it's not a strong enough title. Actually this was originally named "synergy", but I switched it because that name suited the Riddler Fox's story better, I believe. And since I didn't have a name for this, I made a very obvious one up off the top of my head. Which is naturally quite lacking.


Once again, thank you very much for taking the time to write all that out. I appreciate it quite a lot, and it has been very helpful.

I don't mind the mass of green; perhaps it will scare away spammers (not that any have shown their faces here anyways). Also, I doubt that it will steal any enjoyment from the readers if they see all of the green, so I'm not worried about it. =]

Thanks for your feedback,
- Logan

30-Apr-2010 16:27:03

Dreamweaver
Aug
fmod Member
2003

Dreamweaver

Forum Moderator Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You're most welcome, Logan. It's been my pleasure reading and enjoying your stories thus far, and I'm glad that my comments proved useful in some way.

I'm particularly interested to learn about the other adventures of that sly fox. I can see now that that story would make more sense were it part-way through a book of his mini-adventures. That would be a charming read indeed!

Dreamweaver

01-May-2010 05:12:37

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