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Shafts of Imagination
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English, of course you're not in any trouble! I was merely offering my assistance in case you felt I might be able to help iron out any of those negative goings on that you alluded to.
I love the conversation in this thread, by the way.
Intelligent analytical discussion on writing styles and techniques can be a tad scarce on these forums (present company entirely excepted), so it's great to see such activity here!
Logan, I've read some of your stories and I'm enjoying the ride immensely.
Dreamweaver
P.S. Legend? *blushes* Most kind of you, but undeserved. That comes from longevity and The Word if anything! I really don't write enough do I?
I love the conversation in this thread, by the way.
Intelligent analytical discussion on writing styles and techniques can be a tad scarce on these forums (present company entirely excepted), so it's great to see such activity here!
Logan, I've read some of your stories and I'm enjoying the ride immensely.
Dreamweaver
P.S. Legend? *blushes* Most kind of you, but undeserved. That comes from longevity and The Word if anything! I really don't write enough do I?
29-Apr-2010 06:32:10 - Last edited on 29-Apr-2010 06:34:45 by Dreamweaver
Dream: Course you're a legend!
Chuk: Meh. Though of course what Stephen King writes doesn't necessarily mean he is right or the absolute authority on writing. Still, opinions, eh? I see passive tenses and cloying prose written to great effect by Ian McEwan and so that's why I thought it wouldn't be good to condemn passive tense in general
Logan: Have nothing to say except carry on writing
Chuk: Meh. Though of course what Stephen King writes doesn't necessarily mean he is right or the absolute authority on writing. Still, opinions, eh? I see passive tenses and cloying prose written to great effect by Ian McEwan and so that's why I thought it wouldn't be good to condemn passive tense in general
Logan: Have nothing to say except carry on writing
29-Apr-2010 16:04:13
Oh wow, my three favourite RuneScape stories-forum posters on one page. <3
On topic and for the OP: I really enjoy your short stories. Actually, I love them!
On topic and for the OP: I really enjoy your short stories. Actually, I love them!
29-Apr-2010 21:45:41
Untitled
This is your style, well written with an trademark Logan twist. It's good stuff, and you make great use of the first person for this.
I'd consider replacing , with ; in paragraph two: "The roar of a crowd enveloped me; I didn't dare fight it."
You do have some semi-inconsistencies in the way you describe things though. Paragraph two: "abruptly" does not quite seem to fit with brushing and sliding.
Similarly, paragraph five: "Before long" is followed by "finally".
Paragraph 6 has a bit of a punctuation issue, interrupting flow of "Intense and burning, sensations cascaded through my body." Maybe simply remove that comma?
I love the sudden ending. It's perfect! I particularly like how you pointed out how silent the landing was, as if giving even more insignificance to the life now lost.
Do give it a title! I think it really deserves one.
Toil
In much the same vein (pun intended) as Untitled, this is a great little yarn that exhibits your particular style so well. I particularly liked the line, "My enemy seemed to taunt me, though not a word was spoken." I have no critical comments whatsoever!
Synergy
This is a fun one! I've been following the earlier conversations on this thread about it, and I get the whole needing magic to explain things. If any comment cam be made it's that it is always critical to maintain internal sense in any story (a secondary reality, as Tolkien said in one of his essays). You know this well because you do it naturally, though when that internal logic has to be stretched a smidgen in order to make the story work, then the story should probably be changed, rather than the piece's integrity -- and hence believability. I've done this so many times, and when I do it's just never quite as satisfactory as I know it could be.
This is your style, well written with an trademark Logan twist. It's good stuff, and you make great use of the first person for this.
I'd consider replacing , with ; in paragraph two: "The roar of a crowd enveloped me; I didn't dare fight it."
You do have some semi-inconsistencies in the way you describe things though. Paragraph two: "abruptly" does not quite seem to fit with brushing and sliding.
Similarly, paragraph five: "Before long" is followed by "finally".
Paragraph 6 has a bit of a punctuation issue, interrupting flow of "Intense and burning, sensations cascaded through my body." Maybe simply remove that comma?
I love the sudden ending. It's perfect! I particularly like how you pointed out how silent the landing was, as if giving even more insignificance to the life now lost.
Do give it a title! I think it really deserves one.
Toil
In much the same vein (pun intended) as Untitled, this is a great little yarn that exhibits your particular style so well. I particularly liked the line, "My enemy seemed to taunt me, though not a word was spoken." I have no critical comments whatsoever!
Synergy
This is a fun one! I've been following the earlier conversations on this thread about it, and I get the whole needing magic to explain things. If any comment cam be made it's that it is always critical to maintain internal sense in any story (a secondary reality, as Tolkien said in one of his essays). You know this well because you do it naturally, though when that internal logic has to be stretched a smidgen in order to make the story work, then the story should probably be changed, rather than the piece's integrity -- and hence believability. I've done this so many times, and when I do it's just never quite as satisfactory as I know it could be.
30-Apr-2010 06:30:59
Other than that somewhat amorphous comment, I think the story itself is great. The fox is so mischievous, he's delightful. I like the way you showed how he was impressed with the adventurer's intellect, yet didn't show it.
The only line I wondered about was, "I looked up, mildly surprised." If the fox had been struggling in there for years (per the end of the story) would it only be mild surprise? Maybe remove that, and also scale back the fox's entrapment from years to weeks so it's more believable and consistent?
Oh, one little typo near the end: "A great grassland rolled around us, tree’s speckling it sparsely" No apostrophe is needed in "trees" there.
Nature
It's a nice observation on the web of life and how egocentric each part of it seems to be (most notably humans). I like what you've done here with lots of comparitive statements.
Careful with "tree's" again (second paragraph) and you also capitalized "Ivy" in the third-to-last parapgraph. I think "Poison ivy mocked..." is probably sufficient.
If man's battles were only directed at his fellows, would he also be dominating the other species? And would his place truly be between predator and prey, as in this context? That's not intended as criticism though -- just my thoughts on the particular perspective you've presented.
Do you think "Nature" is a strong enough title for this? It describes the subject, but not the reason behind writing it. Again, just an observation.
All in all, I really enjoy this writing, Logan. I will read more, though perhaps not comment on it in such detail. Thanks very much for sharing your work!
It also goes without saying that I can edit out this big mass of green if you indicate to me that you'd like me to. My intention is not to draw attention away from your work in the least!
Dreamweaver
The only line I wondered about was, "I looked up, mildly surprised." If the fox had been struggling in there for years (per the end of the story) would it only be mild surprise? Maybe remove that, and also scale back the fox's entrapment from years to weeks so it's more believable and consistent?
Oh, one little typo near the end: "A great grassland rolled around us, tree’s speckling it sparsely" No apostrophe is needed in "trees" there.
Nature
It's a nice observation on the web of life and how egocentric each part of it seems to be (most notably humans). I like what you've done here with lots of comparitive statements.
Careful with "tree's" again (second paragraph) and you also capitalized "Ivy" in the third-to-last parapgraph. I think "Poison ivy mocked..." is probably sufficient.
If man's battles were only directed at his fellows, would he also be dominating the other species? And would his place truly be between predator and prey, as in this context? That's not intended as criticism though -- just my thoughts on the particular perspective you've presented.
Do you think "Nature" is a strong enough title for this? It describes the subject, but not the reason behind writing it. Again, just an observation.
All in all, I really enjoy this writing, Logan. I will read more, though perhaps not comment on it in such detail. Thanks very much for sharing your work!
It also goes without saying that I can edit out this big mass of green if you indicate to me that you'd like me to. My intention is not to draw attention away from your work in the least!
Dreamweaver
30-Apr-2010 06:31:15 - Last edited on 30-Apr-2010 06:34:22 by Dreamweaver
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