Hello, Croce, as promised, here are some of my findings for your story:
"“The world is falling to pieces. The armies of the Dark Empire march forth, from Canifis, hoping to conquer everything. We took the solemn duty, brothers and sisters, to protect our beloved Lumbridge. Just as we saw off a dragon, the culineromancer, and Dragith Nurn, so too shall we fight this Empire of madness.”
These were the Leader’s words, his rally to his men as they assembled, ready to defend their town from a sinister force."
--Here, could I ask why you broke this up into two paragraphs? It worked grammatically as one paragraph too, and the second paragraph doesn't work on its own. I recommend putting the two paragraphs into one.
“I have served here long, I have defeated all our other enemies,” said General Croce, “And even in the face of such a foe, we must not give up hope!”
--The dialogue punctuation here doesn't quite work like that. Remedies are as follows:
1) Keep the comma after General Croce, and chance the next word, And, to lower case.
2) Change the comma after General Croce to a full stop.
Remedy one can be applied if the previous dialogue makes a sentence on its own (in this case it does), and Remedy two can be applied if the previous dialogue doesn't end there.
"and his limp body fell three stories to the ground."
--Stories would be one of these
. Storeys is probably what you mean.
"“My lady, Lumbridge is ours.” was all that Rois could manage."
--Again here, with the dialogue punctuation. I recommend a comma instead of a full stop.
"“Impossible to say,” began Rois,"
--Full stop after Rois, if you have Upper case after
"I was to be sure that all the Lumbridge Swordmasters are dead.”
--I wanted to make sure if this is exactly what you mean...
"“The world is falling to pieces. The armies of the Dark Empire march forth, from Canifis, hoping to conquer everything. We took the solemn duty, brothers and sisters, to protect our beloved Lumbridge. Just as we saw off a dragon, the culineromancer, and Dragith Nurn, so too shall we fight this Empire of madness.”
These were the Leader’s words, his rally to his men as they assembled, ready to defend their town from a sinister force."
--Here, could I ask why you broke this up into two paragraphs? It worked grammatically as one paragraph too, and the second paragraph doesn't work on its own. I recommend putting the two paragraphs into one.
“I have served here long, I have defeated all our other enemies,” said General Croce, “And even in the face of such a foe, we must not give up hope!”
--The dialogue punctuation here doesn't quite work like that. Remedies are as follows:
1) Keep the comma after General Croce, and chance the next word, And, to lower case.
2) Change the comma after General Croce to a full stop.
Remedy one can be applied if the previous dialogue makes a sentence on its own (in this case it does), and Remedy two can be applied if the previous dialogue doesn't end there.
"and his limp body fell three stories to the ground."
--Stories would be one of these
. Storeys is probably what you mean.
"“My lady, Lumbridge is ours.” was all that Rois could manage."
--Again here, with the dialogue punctuation. I recommend a comma instead of a full stop.
"“Impossible to say,” began Rois,"
--Full stop after Rois, if you have Upper case after
"I was to be sure that all the Lumbridge Swordmasters are dead.”
--I wanted to make sure if this is exactly what you mean...
19-Apr-2010 20:50:46