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Fall From Grace
Quick find code: 49-50-480-63240485
''“They were both so evenly matched that deciding who would come out the winner would be completely impossible.”
Duels lasted usually no more than several seconds. If two perfect swordsmen fought, it is possible both would kill each other, but the duel would not last long at all.''
A duel? It's a full-on battle, not a duel.
And technically, they both
did
kill each other. One just managed to live slightly longer than the other.
''“The room was lit up in multiple colors, like a rainbow was casting it's life into the room.”
Very nice description, simple and effective.''
*takes compliment and runs with it*
''Raphael lives in a shack, despite owning silver jewelry and a gold-hilted sword, and even has status to be a king.''
Because he's human. In a city full and ruled by people who think you don't deserve anything, you think you're going to live in luxury? And again, if we're going by RuneScape laws, silver and gold are pretty down there compared to other materials.
''“To his left was just a small single sized bed with silk sheets neatly wrapped around it like a Christmas present.”
Another good, short, effective description. Silk was extremely expensive.''
*takes second compliment and runs with it* And yes, I'm aware. xD
''“Raphael's entire body was shaking like an earthquake.”
Yes, I can picture him sitting there, his entire body vibrating with such force. Every time your story focuses on Balor, everyone behaves, well, kinda cartoony''
I sense mockery. Is that meant as sarcasm? And now think of it this way, and surely the reason for this is going to be explain in the next chapter. In our world -- and I'll bind myself from going too far -- is that not how most people with religion treat their gods? Doing whatever they say, living however they say. The gods treat those of the royal family as if they were gods. That would go for your ''overthrow the guy'' comments as well. If you believed in a god, would you attempt to overthrow them?
Duels lasted usually no more than several seconds. If two perfect swordsmen fought, it is possible both would kill each other, but the duel would not last long at all.''
A duel? It's a full-on battle, not a duel.
And technically, they both
did
kill each other. One just managed to live slightly longer than the other.
''“The room was lit up in multiple colors, like a rainbow was casting it's life into the room.”
Very nice description, simple and effective.''
*takes compliment and runs with it*
''Raphael lives in a shack, despite owning silver jewelry and a gold-hilted sword, and even has status to be a king.''
Because he's human. In a city full and ruled by people who think you don't deserve anything, you think you're going to live in luxury? And again, if we're going by RuneScape laws, silver and gold are pretty down there compared to other materials.
''“To his left was just a small single sized bed with silk sheets neatly wrapped around it like a Christmas present.”
Another good, short, effective description. Silk was extremely expensive.''
*takes second compliment and runs with it* And yes, I'm aware. xD
''“Raphael's entire body was shaking like an earthquake.”
Yes, I can picture him sitting there, his entire body vibrating with such force. Every time your story focuses on Balor, everyone behaves, well, kinda cartoony''
I sense mockery. Is that meant as sarcasm? And now think of it this way, and surely the reason for this is going to be explain in the next chapter. In our world -- and I'll bind myself from going too far -- is that not how most people with religion treat their gods? Doing whatever they say, living however they say. The gods treat those of the royal family as if they were gods. That would go for your ''overthrow the guy'' comments as well. If you believed in a god, would you attempt to overthrow them?
The end
is only
the beginning...
14-Jun-2013 14:18:34 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:07:48 by Serene End
Uriel believes that Raphael could perhaps tell the gods of this in exchange for something, like his place back in the ranks of the gods. Something like that.
''Malik reminds me of milk.''
Malik is an actual name, and an awesome one at that!
But darn it! Now I want chocolate milk. D: CURSE YOUUUUUUU.
I'm just going to disregard your reference to history since well, I do know that. I'm pretty intrigued by Medieval history myself actually.
''“Her hands dangled loosely to her sides as she watched with interest.”
Generally, when he watch something with interest, we cross our arms, put a hand beneath the chin, or similar gestures.''
Generally, yes. But that doesn't mean all the time. I myself sometimes don't do that if I'm looking or listening to something interesting.
Skimming through your criticisms of the Malik and Raphael battle. I don't think I need to repeat myself. But I really dislike it when I'm told "oh, why didn't *insert this character* do this to *insert this character*" As childish as it is, it's one of my pet-peeves. Unless it's so unrealistic that I myself are like "wow, that's pretty bad." Like how it was in The World in Flames.
''“They slammed the door behind them as they ran for the hills.”
Lol, that made me laugh. ''
Is that... sarcasm? Or actuality? o_o Because if so, YESSSSSSSSSS.
''Malik reminds me of milk.''
Malik is an actual name, and an awesome one at that!
But darn it! Now I want chocolate milk. D: CURSE YOUUUUUUU.
I'm just going to disregard your reference to history since well, I do know that. I'm pretty intrigued by Medieval history myself actually.
''“Her hands dangled loosely to her sides as she watched with interest.”
Generally, when he watch something with interest, we cross our arms, put a hand beneath the chin, or similar gestures.''
Generally, yes. But that doesn't mean all the time. I myself sometimes don't do that if I'm looking or listening to something interesting.
Skimming through your criticisms of the Malik and Raphael battle. I don't think I need to repeat myself. But I really dislike it when I'm told "oh, why didn't *insert this character* do this to *insert this character*" As childish as it is, it's one of my pet-peeves. Unless it's so unrealistic that I myself are like "wow, that's pretty bad." Like how it was in The World in Flames.
''“They slammed the door behind them as they ran for the hills.”
Lol, that made me laugh. ''
Is that... sarcasm? Or actuality? o_o Because if so, YESSSSSSSSSS.
The end
is only
the beginning...
14-Jun-2013 15:01:14 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:05:42 by Serene End
''I feel this needs a little rewording.
Ralph dies.
Well, shouldn’t Uriel use a little more magic?''
If you're referring to healing magic, he can't. If you're referring to actual magic, you're probably right.
''“Each of their limbs were chained in iron and their weapons sheathed in their cases.”
How about their weapons were taken away?''
Arrogance does that. You think you're so much better than someone that you could allow them to keep things that would aid them should something ensue.
''Elena finds a dead wizard. She is horrified at the sight of a dead body despite her traits''
Anybody -- no matter how calm or collected they are -- can be physically or emotionally fazed with enough warrant for it.
''The king, despite owning a kingdom, sends an assassin to kill people. Couldn’t the king just muster an entire army and mow down a village and its palace?''
Already explained. Because Balor believes his sister is within the resistance and so he spares them until he finds proof of her being there. Which we do find out that yes, she is. Now it'll be all-out war.
''Your characters very often widen their eyes whenever something happens.''
You see something shocking and/or you get injured, your eyes widened do they not?
''Strangely enough, prior to about page 21, the story was written mostly in present-tense, and then changes to past-tense.''
I had a bit of a style change then.
It's my fault, because I realized that I preferred writing past-tense rather than present-tense. If that's a strange change or something I shouldn't do, please forgive me.
''“The knight's sword collided with Elena's blade, a power struggle was born.”
So they’re pressing their swords into one another? As mentioned before, this is absurd, something that only exists in ignorant movies and video games.''
Then I'm ignorant. No need to point it out.
Ralph dies.
Well, shouldn’t Uriel use a little more magic?''
If you're referring to healing magic, he can't. If you're referring to actual magic, you're probably right.
''“Each of their limbs were chained in iron and their weapons sheathed in their cases.”
How about their weapons were taken away?''
Arrogance does that. You think you're so much better than someone that you could allow them to keep things that would aid them should something ensue.
''Elena finds a dead wizard. She is horrified at the sight of a dead body despite her traits''
Anybody -- no matter how calm or collected they are -- can be physically or emotionally fazed with enough warrant for it.
''The king, despite owning a kingdom, sends an assassin to kill people. Couldn’t the king just muster an entire army and mow down a village and its palace?''
Already explained. Because Balor believes his sister is within the resistance and so he spares them until he finds proof of her being there. Which we do find out that yes, she is. Now it'll be all-out war.
''Your characters very often widen their eyes whenever something happens.''
You see something shocking and/or you get injured, your eyes widened do they not?
''Strangely enough, prior to about page 21, the story was written mostly in present-tense, and then changes to past-tense.''
I had a bit of a style change then.
It's my fault, because I realized that I preferred writing past-tense rather than present-tense. If that's a strange change or something I shouldn't do, please forgive me.
''“The knight's sword collided with Elena's blade, a power struggle was born.”
So they’re pressing their swords into one another? As mentioned before, this is absurd, something that only exists in ignorant movies and video games.''
Then I'm ignorant. No need to point it out.
The end
is only
the beginning...
14-Jun-2013 15:14:29 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:05:05 by Serene End
''“The king himself was at the front of the army of at least one-hundred.”
One hundred is not an army. ''
You can say that, sure. But I think 'army' has more than one meaning, no?
''-Balor laughs aloud, because Raphael’s sister tried to kill him.''
Woooooahhh!
If that's what you got, then I must've done something wrong! Raphael doesn't have a sister.
----
Worry not, I intended to show more as the story progressed. As of right now, I would go back and redo several parts. But since the Forums are rather strict with character count, I feel that I might write more and go over the character count. So yeah!
''The three periods, “...”, is something I find annoying. It just means the author left something out.''
Would you prefer that I just say that they remained quiet or something of the nature? I think it just means that they mutter under the lips as though they can't find anything to say.
I choose to live in this supposedly ''recycled'' threshold because I choose to. If I think that there is more I could do with a story about rebellion then I'm going to do it. And after reading through it again, I personally felt TWiF wasn't exactly what I'd call a rebellion story since they lose focus of that a little after the story begins. Besides, I'm a bit of a nerd in regards to rebellions. xP I don't know why but I really like them. Perhaps the idea of the underdog topping the powerhouse, the classic David v.s Goliath story is something that really intrigues me.
One hundred is not an army. ''
You can say that, sure. But I think 'army' has more than one meaning, no?
''-Balor laughs aloud, because Raphael’s sister tried to kill him.''
Woooooahhh!
If that's what you got, then I must've done something wrong! Raphael doesn't have a sister.
----
Worry not, I intended to show more as the story progressed. As of right now, I would go back and redo several parts. But since the Forums are rather strict with character count, I feel that I might write more and go over the character count. So yeah!
''The three periods, “...”, is something I find annoying. It just means the author left something out.''
Would you prefer that I just say that they remained quiet or something of the nature? I think it just means that they mutter under the lips as though they can't find anything to say.
I choose to live in this supposedly ''recycled'' threshold because I choose to. If I think that there is more I could do with a story about rebellion then I'm going to do it. And after reading through it again, I personally felt TWiF wasn't exactly what I'd call a rebellion story since they lose focus of that a little after the story begins. Besides, I'm a bit of a nerd in regards to rebellions. xP I don't know why but I really like them. Perhaps the idea of the underdog topping the powerhouse, the classic David v.s Goliath story is something that really intrigues me.
The end
is only
the beginning...
14-Jun-2013 15:27:35 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:04:09 by Serene End
I don't have a problem with motivation any longer. That's all come and passed.
I know that my story (or rather stories) are incredibly unrealistic. I get that far, really I do. But my feeling and logic sort of fits with the video game series known as Assassin's Creed. In that game, people climb up large towers and buildings then plummet several hundred feet from atop these places and land safely into a box of hay. Any sane or reasonable person can clearly deduce that this is simply not possible. But it's fiction for a reason. And that's the fun in it.
Anyway, I do apologize if I may have come off as a bit of a jerk or something to that effect. I get a little mean when I'm under the gun. So, allow me to thank you for taking time out of your life to read through and giving me everything that you did. I truly appreciate it. Can't wait to hear what you have to say back to me!
EDIT: Governanti is not a reference to anything.
It's just something I made up.
…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
I know that my story (or rather stories) are incredibly unrealistic. I get that far, really I do. But my feeling and logic sort of fits with the video game series known as Assassin's Creed. In that game, people climb up large towers and buildings then plummet several hundred feet from atop these places and land safely into a box of hay. Any sane or reasonable person can clearly deduce that this is simply not possible. But it's fiction for a reason. And that's the fun in it.
Anyway, I do apologize if I may have come off as a bit of a jerk or something to that effect. I get a little mean when I'm under the gun. So, allow me to thank you for taking time out of your life to read through and giving me everything that you did. I truly appreciate it. Can't wait to hear what you have to say back to me!
EDIT: Governanti is not a reference to anything.
It's just something I made up.
…,.»·•º°°º•·«.,…,.•*´¨¨†hë ènd îš ønlÿ †hè ßègïnnïng,…,„.«•*¨`*•.,..
The end
is only
the beginning...
14-Jun-2013 15:31:35 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:03:44 by Serene End
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