RuneScape Forum Archive | Fall From Grace

Azigarath

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(page 24 for start)

“Malik quickly jumped backwards to dodge Raphael's attack.”
Your characters are too defensive and too defeatist. Malik could walk into Raphael and wrestle him. Also, note that the pommel and crossguard are also weapons; the quillons are a hook and piercing protrusion, and the pommel a club. There is no mention of half-swording.

I am certainly not a master of swordsmanship myself, I only know the basics, but even as an amateur, I generally know more than the average person. At the end of my critique, I will include titles of YouTube uploads demonstration swordsmanship, if you wish to watch them.

Nonetheless, your swordfight did include some basics, such a unarmed maneuvers and the attempt of tripping, things that I rarely see elsewhere, especially in video games. I also like how you do know some stuff about armour, mentioning burgonets and other parts of armour.

Oh dear, my critique is over 3800 words so far. I’ll have to speed things up and stop blabbing.

“They whimpered in fear, shaking in their armour.”
Knights were raised since infancy to kill people. These ones frighten quite easily. They run out the room screaming in terror. If I ever see that woman, I’d best stay out of her way.

“They slammed the door behind them as they ran for the hills.”
Lol, that made me laugh.

In reply to Kitties Rule, Gallows is a good name. Oh yes, General Gallows flows well.

“His glowing sapphire blue irises gaze out into the darkness of the night, piercing the darkness like a sword lit on fire.”
Interesting that you should mention that. I once poured camp oil on a sword of mine, lit it on fire, and then, for like twenty seconds, I had a flaming sword, even while swinging it. It was really cool.

“The armour that encased him clanked and clicked as he sluggishly walked to the island of wood in the sea of majorelle blue carpet.”
Armour doesn’t clank, but it does click. Since you mentioned clicking, I will have to apologize for my earlier remark about that.

11-Jun-2013 06:05:47 - Last edited on 11-Jun-2013 06:11:27 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“The woman's eyes shot open like a blast from a shotgun.”
Again, anachronistic words don’t really fit the context of the story.

The argument between Fionnlagn and the heroes is silly. I don’t see anything heated about it.

A fight ensues amongst hooded men.

“towards Elena's throat who easily avoided the attack.”
She could’ve just lunged her sword, it’s so much longer that it would stab the hooded man before his dagger touched Elena.

“Her legs were bent and spread apart.”
o.0

Page 13, post 3, sentence 3
“A slice across his throat, from ear to ear,”
I feel this needs a little rewording.

Ralph dies.

Well, shouldn’t Uriel use a little more magic?

Raphael and friends meet the king, who despite owning a kingdom, musters up only ten knights and a general. Why did he wait to be crowned, anyways? There was no mention of ceremony, religious or traditional. The gods can’t do anything but laugh and hate. An arrow flies at the king, who grabs it, and all the gods are breathtakingly shocked, but the crowd doesn’t care, even when the manga-esque fight occurs. The archer chooses not to shoot any more arrows.

Clara dies from one stab, and the crowd points at her and laugh.

“But just before she launched the arrow, a Loyal Knight swings his sword at her left arm, the arm holding the bow. The slight turn of her arm change the course of the arrow as it fired.”
Couldn’t he just cut her head off?

“He screamed in pain as he began his descent down to the ground like a pile of ashes.”
Such heat that can turn a body and armour into ashes (which is impossible, because the armour would melt rather than turn into ashes) would definitely burn everyone nearby.

“Each of their limbs were chained in iron and their weapons sheathed in their cases.”
How about their weapons were taken away?

Malik teleports everyone to safety, but cannot do so for himself. He dies.

Raphael’s leg heals in a week and he and friends continue their quest after talking about stuff.

11-Jun-2013 06:06:20

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Telvern freaks out about paper.

A brief history lesson is mentioned.

Elena finds a dead wizard. She is horrified at the sight of a dead body despite her traits.

An assassin confronts Raphael, but it is dealt with lightning.

The Desert Assassins instil fear in all who say their name, yet can’t kill even one person.

Anabel joins the quest.

The king, despite owning a kingdom, sends an assassin to kill people. Couldn’t the king just muster an entire army and mow down a village and its palace? The assassin runs away.

There is a cactus standing up like a pitchfork.

Arrows have wings?

Fighting happens.

After page 19, everything starts to get really boring.

More fighting.

Soter appears, and gets angry by words.

The symbol of the resistance is a red dragon.

“The sound of his armour rattling and the blunt thud that accompanied it echoed into the air.”
For the third time, armour doesn’t rattle goddamnit.

A Talon Beast arrives, a hybrid of a turtle and a tiger.

“The full weight of the beast landed right on top of the beast, crushing the man. He slammed hard down on his back, the beast's teeth just about to dig into the flesh of the knight.”
The beast jumped on the beast? Your knights are bad at their job, as are all the assassins.

Your characters very often widen their eyes whenever something happens.

“They even made the almighty General Gallows look like a child.”
Agreed.

Anabel has a conversation with a messenger.

Strangely enough, prior to about page 21, the story was written mostly in present-tense, and then changes to past-tense.

They plan a sneaky surprise attack.

“It went straight into his esophagus and windpipe”
I’m pretty sure I read something like that twice before.

“Their armour clanked as they made haste.”
Armour doesn’t clank when it moves.

The knight then began racing towards the western tower, his armour clanked and buckled as he ran.
Now, where’s that axe? Buckled is a sound?

“The ground was a rainbow of all kinds of colors and life.”

11-Jun-2013 06:06:57

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Second time you use “rainbow” to describe a scene.

“”Do you see that on their chainmail on the left side of their neck?” he questioned. “It looks like some of the chains are missing. Take aim on that, got it?””
Chainmail isn’t actually a series of connected chains, it’s a patterned mesh of 4-in-1 rings. Thus, each link is made when three rings are placed into one ring, the ends closed and held together by a rivet, and other 4-in-1 links are connected into a suit. So, missing links would appear in patches, not in lengths as perhaps one would think about chains. Chainmail is very easy to repair, so there is no reason why one who could afford mail (which was more expensive than plate armour) would walk around with missing or broken links. Wire was sometimes used to tie holes.

“emerald green grass”
Repetition, you’ve already used precious stones to describe eyes and grass almost every time they are mentioned.

“His armoured body crushed the blades of grass that poked at his body.”
Thanks for pointing that out, but I can already assume that on my own. :/

“His sword easily pierced through the knight's armour and sailed straight through into the man's large intestine.”
Impossible.

All opposing knights are caricatures, whose swords often are described thirsting for blood or some other similarly malevolent word. Despite being gods, none of them are good at anything.

“The knight's sword collided with Elena's blade, a power struggle was born.”
So they’re pressing their swords into one another? As mentioned before, this is absurd, something that only exists in ignorant movies and video games.

“The knight is pushed about two feet backwards, the power behind the push was like something out of a fantasy to the knight.”
I suppose the knight has never sparred before. A man in plate armour is easily pushed over due to the amount of weight on his shoulders, which makes him lose balance easily.

11-Jun-2013 06:07:13

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“The king himself was at the front of the army of at least one-hundred.”
One hundred is not an army.

Well, I’m glad you decided to continue the story merely a few days ago.

Balor laughs aloud, because Raphael’s sister tried to kill him.

“Raphael slashed Falcon across Balor's back, chipping his armour and leaving behind a skin deep injury.”
That wouldn’t happen.

Raphael does another backflip to avoid Gallows’ powerful vertical attack. Instead, Raphael could simply vertically slash back, or keep his blade horizontal and raised, as to block the attack, and then immediately turn the sword forward to stab Gallows.

“vengeance shall be mine!”
At last, we shall have our revenge.

Raphael can also soar through the air, and spin.

“Hmm... feels pretty nice to be back. I hope it's 'til the end!”
I hope so to, I’d love to see how the story ends.

And there we go, after literally eleven hours, I finished my commentary with half a litre of red wine and three cans of tonic water. Both my shoulders are aching, and my eyes burning.

Well, the story so far has had many events, with two viewpoints to tell the tale. The story is about how a supposedly evil kingdom has faltered from bad government (I’m assuming this is a mock of illuminati), however, the story does not show much problems for the civilians. Why is life so hard? Why do they hate to bow down to the kings? How do some characters become gods?

The gods often trash talk about how incompetent humans are, though considering what happens in the story, the humans are godlier than the gods are. Strangely enough, every knight and assassin is bad at his job, especially the knights, most of which die.

The story suffers from selective repetition. As mentioned a few times earlier, precious stones are almost always used to describe the colour of eyes or grass, emotions being masked on faces is overused, majorelle is used many times, and people are only impaled to the stomach or neck.

11-Jun-2013 06:07:58 - Last edited on 11-Jun-2013 06:10:19 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

There is not a single decapitation or dismemberment, or an attack that disembowels someone. I wish there was.

Dialogue was mostly ineffective and indirect, and at times, characters get angry or upset simply from talking about nothing. I suppose it doesn’t matter for Balor. The three periods, “...”, is something I find annoying. It just means the author left something out.

Combat was perhaps the most flawed aspect of the story, but do not feel disheartened, as very many people do this badly as well. You do mention grasping the wrist, tripping, and occasionally pushing, which is very good, immediately three times better than anything I’ve seen in most movies. The idea of people jumping many feet through the air, controlling themselves mid-flight, and even capable of throwing people several feet away, really killed seriousness, at least for me anyways, not like it matters.

The storyline itself was vast, lengthy and full, but somewhat similar to your first story; a land of problems, a rebellion, and two sides, good and evil. It’s almost as if you are intentionally limiting yourself to a recycled environment. Nevertheless, as I said last time, you are allowed to disagree or disregard anything I have said, and if you feel I made a mistake or did something wrong, you are allowed to tell me so. If you have any other specific questions, I will answer to the best of my knowledge, or ignorance.

I noticed in one post, before chapter 9, that you needed motivation, and what better way for that than to delve into a little history? Below, I will have titles, with which you can copy-paste into the YouTube search bar. When you search, click on the according upload, and you will go through an adventure which will surely encourage thought. Although to go through all of them is quite a stretch, I’m sure you’ll find them interesting, maybe even good enough to make you continue, or create, a story.

11-Jun-2013 06:09:18

Azigarath

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Here they are, just copy-paste them into the YouTube search bar and then click on the according upload:

Longsword Techniques - Receiving Strikes on Flat

CAS Hanwei - 2010 Blade show - John Clement* Historical European Swordsmanship

15th Century fighting demonstration

Messer Techniques from Talhoffer

Fencing with five different medieval weapons

Rediscovering the Chinese Long Sword

Fechten mit dem langen Schwert

Henry VIII's foot combat armour for the Field of Cloth of Gold tournament in 1520

SwArta Harnischfechten

Harnischfechten sparring demonstration

Testing Swords Against Riveted Mail Armor

Grabbing Edge During Half-Swording

Battle of Nations 2012 02-05-12 21x21 1 fight Poland-USA

Vyborg castle medieval mass fight

ringschule Wroclaw

SwArta - Ringkunst In Ernst

Twirch Ringen (Updated)

Unarmed vs Long Sword Technique

Battle of the Nations 2012 - Poland vs Russia 21x21 (30 April)

How not to charge a shield wall

Military Designs from Talhoffer's Medieval Combat Manual

Two Handed Great Sword Cold Steel

Oh, JAGEX is being stupid again, destroyed spaces is retroactivated. I will wait until your reply is done in full before my own reply.

11-Jun-2013 06:09:31 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 00:28:01 by Azigarath

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Oh, yes! Criticism on my birthday! Well, that was yesterday but still! I enjoy it.

Well, first off, you would be right in saying that I have no understanding of combat or the like. Yes, I'm going based on what I've seen. But note, that is exactly what I'm going for. I don't exactly want realism. I write what I feel like writing. Be it fantasy, things that physically should not happen, or anything of the sort. If I want to start writing realistically, then sure I'll do that. I can't say I'm good at writing frankly. I'm pretty bad. But I'm getting there. I gotta improve if I one day want to grasp what I truly in my life. And I know I repeat things, sometimes things just sort of leave my trail of thought. xD

Okay, time for the debate.

First and foremost, soldiers and assassins being bad at their job. If I hadn't explained clear enough, most of those fights for the gods aren't gods themselves. The assassins themselves are not exempt to this, as they are all humans as well minus their leader who is supposedly the reincarnation of Lamia. As I know, that doesn't excuse it. Some people (those who aren't aiming for awesome, realistic battling) enjoy it, some don't. I get it. But that's how I go.

''Raphael is revealed to have lost his family, though it is a bit odd that his mother disappeared, wouldn’t his father be there during birth?''

Will be explained later on into the story... should I get that far.

''The idea of Elena rarely missing a shot since childhood is even beyond realism''

She's a god, one of which with enhanced vision and dexterity. That would probably explain that.

''Although many video games feature steel chainmail, historically there is no such thing as steel chainmail''

I understand that. Believe it or not, while designing the characters, I actually did look up into this. But this is technically a story about RuneScape, there does exist steel chainmail.

I'll get back to this later. I've gotta go right now. Food shoppin'!
The end

is only

the beginning...

13-Jun-2013 23:56:13 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:09:39 by Serene End

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Resuming!

''Human beings having colourful hair and eye colour is biologically impossible. How they have bangs and spikes I’m not so sure, I guess they have dyed and waxed their hair with the rebellion going on.''

Personally, if you ask me, sticking with the normal brown, black, blonde, or even red hair is... well kinda boring to me. I did that in my last story, Living Crime. I don't know. xD I'm just not much for realism. That goes for the hair style too. But repeating my previous statement, since this is still a story about RuneScape there are a lotta people running around with silly haircuts.

Oh, and the eyes... well, I repeat my hair color statement. xD

''The attire of the characters is odd. Short capes and full garments would look silly worn in today’s world. I feel you spent too much time on their clothing, but you are allowed to do so nonetheless.''

Erm.... o_o Medieval? Short capes and silly garments such as doublets and the like were hip and stylish back in the day. And I don't see how I spent too much time trying to describe what I see in my head and putting it onto a computer screen.

''Shinon has contradictory traits; if he’s chivalrous, he can’t be hardhearted, for example''

When did I say throughout the entirety of his bio that he's chivalrous? Because he protects Maria? Because he protects the last bit of family, that automatically makes him chivalrous? Please correct me if I'm wrong.
The end

is only

the beginning...

14-Jun-2013 13:32:04 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:10:00 by Serene End

Jul

2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"I see a little repetition. Uriel has superpowers, as does that child in your first story (unless I’m thinking of someone else), and most of your bios have grown up without family and often have missing members. I can understand why, due to the context of the story, but the idea of a hero growing up without family is an overused one."

Yes, I think you're going on about Ivan (who may I remind you, dies shortly after his appearance.) In all stories, I hate ''stereotypes'' or things that are cliché as much as the next guy. But does not give me the right to do it? Just because a numerous of stories do it, I can't? I understand originality but you know what, I bet throughout the hundreds of years of storytelling every and all ideas had to have been done at least once.

''A fifty-inch blade is indeed huge. The largest swords had blades about that long, and were called greatswords.''

You're referring to me talking down to you like you're stupid. What are you doing here? You think I don't know this? I do.

"Typos are a bit frequent, the story requires proofreading. Well, not that it’s necessary, though."

Oh, yes... I'm fully aware. xD I have just been lacking the time to do so!

''gems used to describe anything is overused.''

Yes, but sapphire is also a type of color. So, I'm describing it by the color, not the gem. That goes for emerald green as well.

''''He wears a Lilac purple open frock coat is worn on top and it is very loose.''
Um, I don’t think I understand this one. D:''

o_o What is there to not understand? The frock coat? The color? The fact that it's loose? Tell me plz, I don't know!

''Why does the prince have bells on his pouldrons? Despite being divine, he has human traits and is a caricature.''

You refer to them alot as being divine. Allow me to explain in the next chapter.
The end

is only

the beginning...

14-Jun-2013 13:45:33 - Last edited on 14-Jun-2013 20:10:43 by Serene End

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Fall From Grace