RuneScape Forum Archive | Fall From Grace

Azigarath

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“and the handle has a small, one-inch spike at the end”
A pommel is better, and the handle of a sword is the leather-covered wood surrounding the tang; the spike would be at the bottom of the tang.

“his right shoulder outside his cassock, he wears a steel pauldron.”
Pauldrons were attached to plate armour, but could also be laced onto the shoulder.

“Underneath his cassock, he wears a steel hauberk on his upper torso.”
A hauberk is a full mail coat, which indeed is worn on the torso, with sleeves ending just beyond the elbows and down to the thighs. If he wore a mail shirt that only covered his torso, it’d be a haubergeon. Although many video games feature steel chainmail, historically there is no such thing as steel chainmail; this can only be accomplished in today’s world. Back then, mail was made from iron wire, and when the mail shirt was finished, it’s heated red-hot and then quenched in water to carburize the iron.

“Uriel was left to take care of himself, which almost ended with taking his young life. Near death, he was saved by a young woman. This young woman was Elena Ortrun who now officially looked after the young boy. At a young age, Uriel joined the Lumbridge Resistance along with Elena where they are now.*
I already know this, I read it earlier. If I forget something, it’s my fault, not yours.

“The tips of the bow are made of dragonite”
So, how are these tips connected to the stave?

Human beings having colourful hair and eye colour is biologically impossible. How they have bangs and spikes I’m not so sure, I guess they have dyed and waxed their hair with the rebellion going on.

“emerald green”
Precious stones used to describe colour is overused. I have read it in so many places that I consider it cliché. Emeralds can also be teal and even blue.

The attire of the characters is odd. Short capes and full garments would look silly worn in today’s world. I feel you spent too much time on their clothing, but you are allowed to do so nonetheless.

11-Jun-2013 06:02:17

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Shinon has contradictory traits; if he’s chivalrous, he can’t be hardhearted, for example.

I see a little repetition. Uriel has superpowers, as does that child in your first story (unless I’m thinking of someone else), and most of your bios have grown up without family and often have missing members. I can understand why, due to the context of the story, but the idea of a hero growing up without family is an overused one.

The godly prince is the second bio of old age, yet has the qualities of a young man. Perhaps the antagonists reflect your protagonists in some way. So, how and why is he a god, or is this revealed later?

“The blade stands at the height of 50.7 inches tall, a size that would normally require a human to use two hands but Balor only uses one.”
A fifty-inch blade is indeed huge. The largest swords had blades about that long, and were called greatswords. The hilts were about twenty inches long, sometimes even longer. Regardless if Balor can hold it with one hand, there is no reason why he cannot hold it with both. Its described shape should be leaf-shaped rather than feather-like; if you use the term feather for any sword, you would be referring to the federschwert, which is a late medieval training sword.

Typos are a bit frequent, the story requires proofreading. Well, not that it’s necessary, though.

“Standing at about 6'3 feet tall, Balor weighs about one-hundred and seventy pounds.”
I am that height, and I weigh about 220 pounds. He is too light despite being tall and built. You then use the term sapphire blue, which is risky, because sapphires can also be green, and as already mentioned, gems used to describe anything is overused.

“He wears a Lilac purple open frock coat is worn on top and it is very loose.”
Um, I don’t think I understand this one. D:

Why does the prince have bells on his pouldrons? Despite being divine, he has human traits and is a caricature.

11-Jun-2013 06:02:33

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“She wields both a silver shortsword and a steel longsword”
This is imbalanced; European knights and samurai sometimes fought with dagger and shortsword, one in each hand. I am curious as to how this chamber of poison is kept in the handle of the dagger. How on earth could she get a carbon atom triple-bonded into a nitrogen atom?

Female characters tend to be extremely short, and are often the archers, the assassins, the mages, etc.. I almost assume this to be gender inequality. I noticed your good guys wear colourful clothing, whereas darker characters wear darker clothing.

“She wears a black leather brigandine”
Brigandine armour is many small plates riveted onto a canvas.

Gallows can hold a two-handed sword with one hand, but this doesn’t mean he cannot use both hands anyways. Do you know how a sword is constructed?

“Standing at about 6'8 feet tall, he weighs two-hundred-and-eleven pounds. He is extremely muscular”
He should be around 250 pounds, at least. Mariusz Pudzianiowsky is six feet tall and used to weight over 250 pounds.

Surcoats were never worn over plate armour, and a plated pouldron would be a spaulder. He seems to wear anachronistic Gothic/Greenwich armour.

“His waist is encased by steel faulds which reach down to just above his knees.”
“faulds” should be replaced with “bases” or “tonlet” if the armour goes down that far.

“Underneath his armour is just a simple collared shirt and some slacks.”
Beneath plate armour, a pourpoint is worn, not a shirt. Pourpoints have the laces and points necessary to tie and lace the plate armour onto. The leather strap should be an arming girdle.

Silver weapons are overused, and many swords have curving quillons.

Calvin has retractable blades in his gloves? How does that work? And how can he be a lazy assassin? So, a seven-year-old killing an adult to avenge his father’s murder?

Soter is too light despite being s tall and muscular.

11-Jun-2013 06:02:49

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“They were both so evenly matched that deciding who would come out the winner would be completely impossible.”
Duels lasted usually no more than several seconds. If two perfect swordsmen fought, it is possible both would kill each other, but the duel would not last long at all.

“mysterious and secretive group known as the Desert Assassins”
Not very mysterious or secretive if their name is known.

“The room was lit up in multiple colors, like a rainbow was casting it's life into the room.”
Very nice description, simple and effective.

“Balor grew a smile on his face, letting out a light laughter. “Hahahaha...” he chuckled.”
The same thing is mentioned twice.

Balor is quite repetitive with his peccadillos, even though he looks exactly like a human. He has childish behaviour throughout, even growling at his knights.

Raphael lives in a shack, despite owning silver jewelry and a gold-hilted sword, and even has status to be a king.

“To his left was just a small single sized bed with silk sheets neatly wrapped around it like a Christmas present.”
Another good, short, effective description. Silk was extremely expensive.

“Their heads were encased in a steel burgonet, their entire body was encased in the same steel plate armour.”
By this time, I know that armour is steel, and it was already mentioned they wore armour. Plate armour is always steel (or bronze).

“immature” really should have been added to Balor’s bio.

“Raphael's entire body was shaking like an earthquake.”
Yes, I can picture him sitting there, his entire body vibrating with such force. Every time your story focuses on Balor, everyone behaves, well, kinda cartoony. There should even be knights who are unafraid to speak their mind to the prince, or even disrespect him. Knights, and even barons and dukes, have historically killed their own kings if angered enough.

11-Jun-2013 06:03:11

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Edward the Black Prince was killed when a red-hot iron was thrust through his rear-end to pierce his bowels, done by his own barons who first crushed his ribcage and spinal column to a bloody pulp with many great weights.

On the bright side, after reading through the bios, a majority of everything after that is alright. Storytelling, description and general scenery draws the happenings well.

“Raphael opened the door by twisting the golden doorknob, pulling the door open.”
I already know how a door is opened, you don’t need to insult your reader’s intelligence. :/

“He felt the quick pounding that felt like a jackhammer.”
I feel that “jackhammer” is too anachronistic considering the context of the story. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it kinda feels out of place. In my own stories, I sometimes reference modern themes, either jokingly or indirectly.

“The gray sky cried sorrow, silently pouring tears down onto the face of the earth. These droplets crashed onto the silver hair of Raphael, pouring down his face. The rain was a heavy downpour,”
If it’s silent, it can’t be a heavy downpour.

“Much like the other man, the old man was wearing a black single cassock.”
Why so? Since the bios, cassock is the preferred dress of many men. I really wonder why you chose Christian clothing, worn by priests and cardinals especially, for the story. Unless, of course, you’re referring to the seventeenth century jacket, sometimes worn by musketeers of the time, which I also assume, but there needs to be more clarification. Anachronism and fiction do not mix well, at least in my opinion.

“he noticed that the woman seemed to be carrying a sword held in a leather sheath which was strapped to her left hip.”
The can be reworked into “he noticed that the woman had a sheathed sword.” You have a tendency to lengthen sentences with too much description that your reader can probably assume for oneself.

11-Jun-2013 06:03:29

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Raphael gulped saliva down his esophagus*
This is the second time I’ve read that, the first for the knights who spoke with the god-prince.

“Divus is sent hurling backwards at thirty-miles-per-hour. As he flew, his crown slips off of his head. His back hammers against the white marble wall with incredible force, his head whiplashes against the stone. The impact rocked the wall, sending a shock-wave through it. Raphael seemed concerned as to what that exactly was. To him, it sounded like an explosion.”
For some reason, when I picture a prince gabbing his father by the collar and then throwing him into a wall, and with such force that it sounds like an explosion, this doesn’t look realistic. This is something often seen in manga/anime, or a parody.

Dialogue is ineffective and not believable throughout, especially when the evil prince kneels and smiles at his father’s misfortune. Silly, clichéd, cartoony, unrealistic and simply bland, it’s not something that can be taken seriously. When Balor says he killed two people, and the king screams in agony, when I picture that in my head, I chuckle. Conveniently, there are no knights or other nobles seemingly in the entire kingdom except Raphael who randomly happens to eavesdrop.

Balor hires an assassin to kill Rahael, even though Balor can throw people fifty feet into the air with one hand.

Raphael overhears this, his eyes widen, and his jaw hits the floor.

““Heh heh heh,” he laughed. ”Do you honestly believe you stand a chance against me?””
Of course not Darth Vader.

“Raphael backflips, jumping away from the prince. Balor pursues Raphael, charging towards him. Raphael lands on his feet and readies himself for Balor's assault.”
How far can Raphael backflip? He jumps, and Balor runs across the room, and then Raphael lands? While he’s at it, why did*’t he cartwheel upside-down across the ceiling? He seems pretty capable of doing that at least.

11-Jun-2013 06:03:59

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Balor came in with a swift swing of his sword. Raphael quickly hopped to his left, dodging Balor's attack.”
I have a feeling you’re not so sure about real swordfighting. As a practitioner of replica medieval armour and weapons, rest assured that hopping to the side is no way to dodge anything. But seeing as Raphael can backflip, like, fifty feet, I suppose it’s easy for him, I guess.

*The back of his hand smacks Raphael's lower lip, stunning him.”
How can a backhand to the mouth stun anyone? Well, then again Balor can throw people into walls whenever he wants to. Fortunately, Raphael backflips, dodging a kick. He then decides to drop his sword for some reason. This is why knights also carried a dagger, and sometimes a second sword, mace or warhammer. Daggers and other secondary weapons are absent in your story despite a rebellion going on.

“This last second action spares his life and the blade still partly impales him about a half an inch deep into the right side of his abdomen.”
Stabbing someone one and a half centimetres is not impalement, it’s a flesh wound, and flesh wounds are non-lethal and not very painful either. I had a knuckle split in half once when my younger brother accidentally struck it with one of my swords, and it did*’t hurt that much, but hurt like hell the next day. Blood does not pour out of flesh wounds very much, blood only pours out when a vein or artery is cut (generally speaking of course, obviously if you zerkhau someone, chances are there will be lots of bleeding).

While Balor comments, he seems to stand idle. When Raphael is given the chance to retrieve his sword, Balor decides to kick. Why can’t Raphael just cut the idiot’s leg off? Instead, Raphael stands idle, and upon feeling the kick, flies like a bullet into a window or something. A kick like that would rupture every organ in Raphael’s body, burst his appendix, shatter his pelvis and spinal cord, and probably kill him instantly, and Balor’s would break his leg.

11-Jun-2013 06:04:14

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I hope you get my point here. Your combat scenes are quite ridiculous, I have no other words to express my opinion in this case. The worst part is that there is no way to comment about it without sounding like an arrogant ass, so in this case, I really don’t know what to do, I just don’t know how to talk about it while sounding positive in any way.

And I do apologize in advance for my diatribe, forgive me for that, but I feel it is necessary so that you’ll remember it. To feel taken aback, embarrassed, or even offended, is not a bad thing, especially for artists, because it suggests you can do better, that you were capable of besting yourself. Certainly, none of us are born with an ability to write a masterpiece immediately.

Anyways, back to the critique.

“The door into this very room suddenly opened up, several Loyal Knights of the Royal Family pour into the room.”
It’s about time the knights noticed something was going on. Maybe they will rebel against Balor, unless Balor, who has kicked Raphael through a window, blames him for killing the king.

“Balor sheathed his blade back in it's sheath strapped to his back.”

Yes, that’s what sheathed means. Sheaths were on the hips, or, if one wore a baldric, sheathed across the chest.

it’s = it is
its = its

“The rattling of armour was also heard.”
Plate armour doesn’t rattle, it clicks when the wearer moves.

“”He was assassinated by Raphael Béla,””
I saw that coming. Shakespeare did that, too, in Macbeth, but the nobles find out later in the play.

Raphael closed his eyes and his face lowered to meet the floorless ground. “Maybe I shouldn't be surprised,” he spoke to himself. “I am just a human afterall...””
You should not be surprised that your simplest occurrences are actually your best and most effective. Believe it or not, the sooner I can grasp an event, the easier it is for me to think about it, and that effectiveness creates a stronger emotional “tug” for the reader.

11-Jun-2013 06:04:33

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“and a sword hidden inside a leather sheath”
A sword cannot be hidden in a sheath, because everyone knows a sword is in a sheath in the first place. The hilt would be visible beyond the mouth of the sheath.

““Yeah,” he said. “And how foolish of us to show you that.”

Elena quickly turned her head over to the boy. “Uriel, please show respect,* she impelled, turning her head back over to Raphael. “Forgive his disregard, he hasn't really had a good history with the Imperial Kingdom.””
I don’t see anything here that is disrespectful, let alone cause someone to become annoyed.

“Entering the room was Malik, his left hand clenched onto the doorknob.”
Again, we all know how a door is opened, it does not need to be mentioned that Malik’s hand is grasping the doorknob.

Malik reminds me of milk.

“Fighting without a true purpose results in meaningless bloodshed.””
Although Elena is right, European knights often fought gratuitously, which was one reason why the Middle Ages was so chaotic. I feel that one weakness your story has is the lightness of its situation. For starters, I don’t see anything that would suggest chaos if Balor becomes king. But more importantly, I find history much more disturbing than the story, and as one who is historically literate, it is difficult for me to feel engaged when there is simply not an adequate amount of tension. As bad as it is to be accused of regicide, and then be on the run with the help from a few other people, similar themes have been used many times, especially in films.

I recall being told that trying to be very original was as much crime as to be very unoriginal. It was also revealed to me by others that archetypes and stereotypical characters exist for a reason, so that the audience has something to relate too, something they can comprehend.

11-Jun-2013 06:04:53

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Her hands dangled loosely to her sides as she watched with interest.”
Generally, when he watch something with interest, we cross our arms, put a hand beneath the chin, or similar gestures.

Raphael fights his master, sprinting, and his wrist is grabbed, stopping his sprint. Grabbing someone’s wrist is indeed a start, but Raphael can still lower the blade into Malik. Raphael has two hands after all. He can also head-butt, punch, knee, kick, push, trip, and many other things. Raphael does his trademark, by back flipping when stepping away would do just the same.

“Malik's blade successfully guards against Raphael's attack, the two blades grind against each other.”
Ridiculous; there is no reason why two blades should do that; either sword can turn around the other and still strike the person, or either swordsman could kick, knee, punch, push or trip.

Oh, Raphael does attempt a trip, but to trip, all he has to do is place one foot behind Malik’s then simply push him across the face.

“Malik, seeing Raphael's sweep coming, hops his body up into the air to dodge Raphael's attack. Raphael barrel rolls his body to his left. When rolling, his legs touch the ground and that becomes a point where his body rose back onto it's feet.”
Or he could have simply stepped up to Raphael, face-to-face, to head-butt him, push him, knee him in the groin, etc..

Malik then lunges at Raphael’s throat, but the next sentence says he thrusts at his body.

“Raphael once again resorts to ducking under Malik's sword.”
Malik could simply lower his swing amidst the cut. It*s not like a swing locks the elevation of a sword.

“Malik's eyes followed Raphael and he predicted Raphael's actions with ease. He leans backwards to dodge Raphael's attack.”
Raphael could, within the failure of his attack, simply point the tip forth and lunge.

Malik can soar through the sky?

11-Jun-2013 06:05:17

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