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The Rediscovery of Pure Magic.
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haha thanks for your input Azigarath. I have read a lot of your stories, and also seen most of your 'harsh' reviews, so believe me, I knew what I was getting into when I invited you to read it.
Please keep in mind that this posted version is simply a first draft, and that when I wrote this, I simply rushed through, typing as words came to my mind, and ended up posting them. Whenever I go through and read what I wrote, I usually end up changing like ten things per post, and it is something entirely different.
I will respond to each of your points, as in some cases I had a reason for saying something, which you might not have understood, and in other cases I entirely agree with you, and intend to change it to improve the story. Here goes.
Page 1, post 10
I totally agree. The exclamation marks occured on the whim of my lingering finger, and remained that way. I also agree concerning the words in captials, which I should not have placed.
Page 2, post 2
The reason I had stated that he had gashes all over his body, was because I had supposed that John would have put up a fight, forcing his assailant to strike him repeatedly with the weapon. Also, if you have three assailants, all with weapons and capable of pinning your arms and body to the floor, it is no hard task to slit your throat.
You say the murdered killed the father in pitch black, but that is not so. In the story it says that Gregory saw his father. "There was a silhouette of a man… but it was not his father. He could see his father at the bottom of the stairs, lying in a pool of blood."
This infers that there was a light source in the room, and as there was a 'silhouette,' it also shows that there was light at the bottom of the stairs, but not at the top. When the assailant came up the stairs from a lighted room to a dark bedroom, his sight would naturally not have adjusted.
Please keep in mind that this posted version is simply a first draft, and that when I wrote this, I simply rushed through, typing as words came to my mind, and ended up posting them. Whenever I go through and read what I wrote, I usually end up changing like ten things per post, and it is something entirely different.
I will respond to each of your points, as in some cases I had a reason for saying something, which you might not have understood, and in other cases I entirely agree with you, and intend to change it to improve the story. Here goes.
Page 1, post 10
I totally agree. The exclamation marks occured on the whim of my lingering finger, and remained that way. I also agree concerning the words in captials, which I should not have placed.
Page 2, post 2
The reason I had stated that he had gashes all over his body, was because I had supposed that John would have put up a fight, forcing his assailant to strike him repeatedly with the weapon. Also, if you have three assailants, all with weapons and capable of pinning your arms and body to the floor, it is no hard task to slit your throat.
You say the murdered killed the father in pitch black, but that is not so. In the story it says that Gregory saw his father. "There was a silhouette of a man… but it was not his father. He could see his father at the bottom of the stairs, lying in a pool of blood."
This infers that there was a light source in the room, and as there was a 'silhouette,' it also shows that there was light at the bottom of the stairs, but not at the top. When the assailant came up the stairs from a lighted room to a dark bedroom, his sight would naturally not have adjusted.
08-Dec-2011 06:38:34 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2011 06:39:05 by Gandalf-0
Page 2, Post 5
Span, spun, typo...
Animals DO walk into fire when they are possessed! And as this dream seems to be a prefigurment of his future powers, the beaver is a sign of that. I will make this more clear, however.
Page 2, post 6
The dialogue mistake was a typo lol. Thanks for pointing it out.
When Greogry talks to himself, I thought of it as a mental conversation with himself, but perhaps I should make that more clear.
I quote: "So he then practises magic month after month, apparently not needing to eat, sleep or drink, but you did mention his hunting, so he probably uses his magic to get by in life. I guess summoning water to drink is useful."
The reason I did not mention eating or sleeping, was because I thought it would be tedious to mention things like that. I mean, how else would he survive?
Page 2, Post 10
The reason for me saying, "Better still, he took off his outer rags (for rags they were) and dived in," was because I was placing emphsasis that he had been so focussed that he did not care what he was wearing, and I was also emphsasizing what a dirty and wild life he was living.
He doesn't need to blow trees down THAT often. If you have ever used a log stove, (I have lived on a ranch before) you will find that it only takes five or six medium-sized logs to keep a fire going all night. Also, he would not nesseccarily be using a fire EVERY night, so that explains why there is still a forest left. If each tree blown down lasted him, say, a fortnight, then it doesn't take that many trees to keep him well supplied with wood.
Span, spun, typo...
Animals DO walk into fire when they are possessed! And as this dream seems to be a prefigurment of his future powers, the beaver is a sign of that. I will make this more clear, however.
Page 2, post 6
The dialogue mistake was a typo lol. Thanks for pointing it out.
When Greogry talks to himself, I thought of it as a mental conversation with himself, but perhaps I should make that more clear.
I quote: "So he then practises magic month after month, apparently not needing to eat, sleep or drink, but you did mention his hunting, so he probably uses his magic to get by in life. I guess summoning water to drink is useful."
The reason I did not mention eating or sleeping, was because I thought it would be tedious to mention things like that. I mean, how else would he survive?
Page 2, Post 10
The reason for me saying, "Better still, he took off his outer rags (for rags they were) and dived in," was because I was placing emphsasis that he had been so focussed that he did not care what he was wearing, and I was also emphsasizing what a dirty and wild life he was living.
He doesn't need to blow trees down THAT often. If you have ever used a log stove, (I have lived on a ranch before) you will find that it only takes five or six medium-sized logs to keep a fire going all night. Also, he would not nesseccarily be using a fire EVERY night, so that explains why there is still a forest left. If each tree blown down lasted him, say, a fortnight, then it doesn't take that many trees to keep him well supplied with wood.
08-Dec-2011 06:39:19 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2011 02:37:23 by Gandalf-0
By the time he gets his fire powers, he is fireproof, but his clothes aren't. I'd imagine he would have to be more careful drying those...
I quote: "So he had hypnotized the beaver to walk into the fire. "(he had regained the trust of the animals after the trance which scared them)" Oh, well, ok then, that's nice to put, but I'm wondering how he regained the animals' trust. Telepathic communication?"
Time. Over time it is possible to gain the trust of almost anything, and considering not every creature in the forst watched his tranced demolition, eventually he would have regained their trust.
When he looked down on himself, seeing rags, I am simply saying that he remembered. Obviously, if you have your arm in a cast, after a few weeks of it being there, you will get used to it and forget about it. Upon thinking about playing, say, basketball, it make take you a moment to remember the cast, as you are so used to it that you had not considered your incapability.
This is the same with Gregory. After wearing his rags for such a long time, it took him a moment to remember their existence!
I quote: ""At this, all of the villagers snickered and several laughed out loud." Yes, I'm sure human beings behave like that. This is one of those moments that build up more clichés, as situations like this have been recreated so many times that it has lost its effectiveness, but oh well."
If you saw a shabby young boy wearing rags walk into your town, and he demanded money, wouldn't you laugh? I am aware it is a highly abused cliché, but there is no other real way to do it.
I quote: "I don't hear anything when I enchant gems."
What does that mean?
"Stars are larger than planets, thus if a star fell on Gielinor, there wouldn't be a Gielinor left. Speaking of which, recently NASA found a black hole ten millions times larger than our sun."
I quote: "So he had hypnotized the beaver to walk into the fire. "(he had regained the trust of the animals after the trance which scared them)" Oh, well, ok then, that's nice to put, but I'm wondering how he regained the animals' trust. Telepathic communication?"
Time. Over time it is possible to gain the trust of almost anything, and considering not every creature in the forst watched his tranced demolition, eventually he would have regained their trust.
When he looked down on himself, seeing rags, I am simply saying that he remembered. Obviously, if you have your arm in a cast, after a few weeks of it being there, you will get used to it and forget about it. Upon thinking about playing, say, basketball, it make take you a moment to remember the cast, as you are so used to it that you had not considered your incapability.
This is the same with Gregory. After wearing his rags for such a long time, it took him a moment to remember their existence!
I quote: ""At this, all of the villagers snickered and several laughed out loud." Yes, I'm sure human beings behave like that. This is one of those moments that build up more clichés, as situations like this have been recreated so many times that it has lost its effectiveness, but oh well."
If you saw a shabby young boy wearing rags walk into your town, and he demanded money, wouldn't you laugh? I am aware it is a highly abused cliché, but there is no other real way to do it.
I quote: "I don't hear anything when I enchant gems."
What does that mean?
"Stars are larger than planets, thus if a star fell on Gielinor, there wouldn't be a Gielinor left. Speaking of which, recently NASA found a black hole ten millions times larger than our sun."
08-Dec-2011 06:39:35
In runescape, there is an activity called "Shooting Stars." In this minigame, players can mine open fallen stars and get rewards. I am perfectly aware that stars are many, many times larger then our planet. (our own Sun could fit at least a million earths in it, and there are some black holes that are up to a hundred million times as large as our sun.)
Page 3, post 7
"very unique," thank you for pointing that out.
Indeed, Gregory seems to be having a very ideal and easy lifestyle, but you would too if you were being directly monitored and aided by a mahjarrat...
I am quite aware that the idea of such a titanic citadel being constructed under a year is absolutely illogical, but it IS fantasy, and Gregory's powers aid that process
Page 9, post 5
than, then, another typo
I am aware that "You fool" is not a mature OR a commonly used phrase in today's world, but considering that it is a game, and Runescape seems to be based in a semi-medival world, I thought it would pass.
Thanks for all of your points Azi! I am aware that you are quite skilled at writing, and I appreciate your input. The main reason I wrote this was for fun, and to just let my mind wander free, and see what happened as a result. This story is intended for the reading of young minds, (which is the main reason why I did not make it TOO serious and mature) and I enjoyed trying to put myself into the mindset of a young boy with a lack of parenting from age 11 onward.
Page 3, post 7
"very unique," thank you for pointing that out.
Indeed, Gregory seems to be having a very ideal and easy lifestyle, but you would too if you were being directly monitored and aided by a mahjarrat...
I am quite aware that the idea of such a titanic citadel being constructed under a year is absolutely illogical, but it IS fantasy, and Gregory's powers aid that process
Page 9, post 5
than, then, another typo
I am aware that "You fool" is not a mature OR a commonly used phrase in today's world, but considering that it is a game, and Runescape seems to be based in a semi-medival world, I thought it would pass.
Thanks for all of your points Azi! I am aware that you are quite skilled at writing, and I appreciate your input. The main reason I wrote this was for fun, and to just let my mind wander free, and see what happened as a result. This story is intended for the reading of young minds, (which is the main reason why I did not make it TOO serious and mature) and I enjoyed trying to put myself into the mindset of a young boy with a lack of parenting from age 11 onward.
08-Dec-2011 06:39:48 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2011 02:42:39 by Gandalf-0
haha if I hadn't known you might post here in the first place, and I hadn't seen your previous reviews, I might have taken your review a lot harder...
As it is, I appreciate having a critic to help me improve my technique.
On a side note, maybe I should post more story...
As it is, I appreciate having a critic to help me improve my technique.
On a side note, maybe I should post more story...
10-Dec-2011 03:30:19 - Last edited on 10-Dec-2011 03:31:54 by Gandalf-0
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