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Script Mak3r

Script Mak3r

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*threatens with In Tincidunt Vivamus Tonitrui(means The Blade of Thunder)* Lord Yatagarasu, the Black Sun.
Thank you for giving me your power.

The sunlight that rains down on the Earth
is a nuclear furnace that will create new atoms.

My ultimate nuclear fusion will burn up
every body, heart, phantom, and fairy!

07-Dec-2011 23:47:21

[#Y0S9DJELL]

[#Y0S9DJELL]

Posts: 277 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I will jump off the cliff if you do not post more chapters," I say this as I point to the edge of the my bed,"I will do it. don't test me. I will do it"

on the other hand I completely understand separating the release times of the chapters. It makes since, if you posted them all at once then the thread would have a higher chance of death. Do what you do( aka be awesome). Choose what you want. I really want to find out what happens next.

08-Dec-2011 01:12:00

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, seeing as you asked nicely, I decided to hop by. Of course, if you've read my own reviews, you'll be aware that I do tease and exaggerate to get my points across, so whenever it feels like I'm attacking you personally it's because I'm trying to get a lot of attention in that part.
Well, I'll start reading now...

Everything was ok until post 10 (I think it's funny how the lore, typed by an official JAGEX employee, was absolutely boring to read).
Actually, in the prologue and chapter one you repeat words about peace several times. Once is good enough for me.

Page 1, post 10
“QUIET!!!!!!!!” John roared. Let us get this straight. You accuse ME of robbery, right?”
should be,
“Quiet!” John roared, "Let us get this straight. You accuse me of robbery, right?”
Extra exclamation and question marks are informal as is capitalising letters for effect when you don't need to.

John roars a lot, to a point that it's needless, but then again it looks like he's supposed to be acting like this. And a feud happens via missing things, which doesn't feel realistic in modern times, but during the Middle Ages a feud like this could have sparked. I don't know what was stolen specifically though.

Page 2, post 2:
"His throat was cut, and he had gashes all over his body."
Generally, there is no need to cut a body if the throat is cut in the first place, seeing as the murderers seemed to have killed John without waking anyone up and John decided to lie down flat and let himself die.

In stabbings involving general harm, often the gashes are on the hands and arms, as hands and arms are the last lines of defence for the victim. Also, if someone tried to cut your throat with a knife, it's difficult, unless the victim let it happen. Even if you were overpowered, you'd just lower your chin and roll your shoulders, that sort of thing.

08-Dec-2011 05:21:13 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2011 05:29:46 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Even though the murderer could kill the father in pitch-black, he can't see a kid dive behind clothes THAT JUST HAPPEN to be there? I'd also like to point out that killers hold knives normally, with the blade pointing forward. If it's held like how you see in the movies, it is easily disarmed and the wielder has no means to defend himself against punches and kicks.
So, how does an eleven-year-old boy seriously hurt three mature men?

Page 2, post 3
"As he did this, he jumped between his legs, dropped the brands, and ran for his life."
He jumped between his legs? What does that mean?

“In the name of Saradomin come back!”
lol

So the result of this murder is that the entire world will regret it, and it is also the dawn of a new age. This is really ballooning one happening in the story. There have been genocides that hadn't really done anything.
I'm guessing that this will make your hero hate Saradomin so much that he'll become a powerful magician and wreak havoc on everyone.

So right off the bat you portray a storyline that I see very often. Killing-off your hero's family early on is not effective because I don't have enough thought and time to care in the first place, but maybe some time later in the story things will change.
As for the hero himself, he is relatively superhuman, singlehandedly able to hurt three grown men and live off the wild on his own without any training.

Page 2, post 5

"His head span." Span should be spun, as spun is about spinning, span is about spanning.

"He pointed his gaze at a nearby beaver that had been watching this incredulously, and it
walked right into the fire, where it burnt into charcoal."
Animals don't walk into fire.

08-Dec-2011 05:21:49

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Page 2, post 6
"“What kind of dream was that!” he exclaimed. I have never experienced such a… then he saw it."
should be
“What kind of dream was that!” he exclaimed, "I have never experienced such a…" then he saw it.
You repeat this issue. Dialogue is within the " ", you don't give exceptions to this, otherwise your narration is out of place and it technically means that your character isn't speaking, the narrator is, or whatever the words are supposed to be. I'm assuming you already knew this but just didn't worry about it.

And then your hero talks to himself for some reason. I can picture an eleven-year-old in the forest talking to himself, and then I wonder why he's doing that. He must be talking to me or the narrator, or he's thinking about it.

So he then practises magic month after month, apparently not needing to eat, sleep or drink, but you did mention his hunting, so he probably uses his magic to get by in life. I guess summoning water to drink is useful.

"He blew down a tree, (quite a normal action these days) and lit some bark."
Haha, I liked that sentence.

Page 2, post 10
Better still, he took off his outer rags (for rags they were) and dived in.

They're rags and nothing else, I don't need to read the same thing twice. =0 Oh well, at least now I'll remember it.

Hm, how often does he blow trees down? After dozens of months he would have removed an entire forest or more, seeing as how he'd need to get firewood on a daily basis to survive. He sits in a fire to dry-up? I'm guessing he's fireproof.

So he had hypnotized the beaver to walk into the fire.
"(he had regained the trust of the animals after the trance which scared them)" Oh, well, ok then, that's nice to put, but I'm wondering how he regained the animals' trust. Telepathic communication?

08-Dec-2011 05:22:12

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"He looked down at himself, and realized that he was wearing rags." How'd he not notice? At least he took a bath with his magic. Also, clothes can be bought for 3gp at the clothes shop, so I'm assuming that this story is not within RuneScape mechanics.

"At this, all of the villagers snickered and several laughed out loud." Yes, I'm sure human beings behave like that. This is one of those moments that build up more clichés, as situations like this have been recreated so many times that it has lost its effectiveness, but oh well.

"Gregory dramatically raised his hands, and the barbarians’ smiles vanished as they saw a massive storm come whirling towards the village, and the River Lum flooding rapidly."
Moses!

I don't hear anything when I enchant gems.
Stars are larger than planets, thus if a star fell on Gielinor, there wouldn't be a Gielinor left. Speaking of which, recently NASA found a black hole ten millions times larger than our sun.

Page 3, post 7
"Well, just because you seem to be a very unique human,"

'very unique' doesn't make sense. Unique means one of a kind, something can't be 'very one of a kind.' Stupid alien.

Hm, I think I should stop that. I'll just read from now own and comment and reflect when I feel is most necessary, seeing as I've already exceeded 1,000 words.
As of this point, you still repeat things that I've already read. In this case you keep telling me that Greg is training and practising doing this and that. Your hero's quest is quite convenient; everything he needs he obtains, and the information he wants, he gets.

So I finished up to page 4, onto the next page. Immediately I see a different style.
A hooded figure (a dead giveaway for a Mahjarrat) appears who happens to know everything that Greg went through. This is also a cliché, as I have already read similar events a few dozen times. He's obviously going to let Greg become bad and hate Saradomin.

08-Dec-2011 05:22:52 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2011 05:31:50 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The aspect of a good person doing bad against something he sees as bad that is good is a cliché. I already went through many stories with just that theme. There's also lots of movies like that. Thus the story is overall nothing really spectacular for me, but we all have to start somewhere, it's not like I can expect you to impress someone who's been writing stories since they were five.

And he builds a fortress (A citadel is a fortification within a city, so it has to be a fortress for the time being).
Relatively small castles took several years to finish, big ones sometimes took dozens of years. There were a few castles that took a few hundred years to finish.

Well, your citadel is also convenient, with things like undead inside, dragons blowing fire out windows, etc., and your story makes something that younger people would read. Personally I would not have read the story if you didn't ask so, as I'm too old for this kind of literature. It's perfect for yourself and your fans, but as a veteran author, I am faced with too much obstacles to like the story. I mention that a lot though, and because my own stories deal with adult content (in an innocently acceptable way of course) and enough violence to make splatter movies look dull, I have lost the ability to appreciate early authors' works, which is permanent.

I'll still finish reading the story though.


Page 9, post 5
"But no, he has gained so much power that now when I destroy him, I will be WEAKER then I was before." then should be than.

And then your hero goes on a killing spree.
"You fool" is an immature cliché. Moreover, fool isn't very powerful, in fact, no-one uses that word seriously in today's world.
And Greg is the only one able to stop the world from being destroyed. I guess the entire population is nothing to that magical idiot.

08-Dec-2011 05:23:21

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"“Hahahahahahaha. You can’* hit me. I am indestructible. And you will now die.” Lucien cast an ice spell at Gregory"
I laughed, too.

And a few other Mahjarrats come into the story for fan service.
And I just finished reading the story. Oh, I did.

I'm guessing you've read my reviews, so you know that I pointed out a lot of things that I disliked in your story but I'm not forcing you to make changes to best suit my needs. In my perspective, I would have made the story, say, reflect mature society. My earliest works (most of which were locked and hidden and resulted in me getting banned) all dealt with adult level themes, which wasn't bad for a twelve-year-old. Even in my earliest days, I had stories that depict Jesus Christ and fictional humanoid monsters in a world of sickly twisted bodily desires in men and women, so I'm sure you'll understand that, since my routes had a focus on the disgusting side of human beings, I get nervous when I have to review something that does my reflect my routes.

Of course I'm not saying your story is lame, boring and cheasy, I'm just pointing out the things I don't like and then giving you a reason why I don't like them. I didn't make too many suggestions because you know what you're doing and you obviously don't need my suggestions because they won't make your story better, they'd just make it more suitable to myself.

To be frank I did find the story too cartoony for me but there's nothing wrong with it. You are having fun typing, you are making a full-length story while making friends, and you're expanding your imagination, what's better than that?

I would recommend that, when you finish the story, reread it and find the mechanical errors and get rid of them (I put some examples in the early half of the review). If you want an image of how a story should be, read a published novel and examine how the words are structured.

08-Dec-2011 05:23:49 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2011 05:33:15 by Azigarath

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