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They Call Me Valkyrie

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Looksavebee

Looksavebee

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Grammar be my love in story writing. I always was a weird child...

It's good to hear that it's easy to write. When that happens the writing is normally the best, so I'm very happy to hear this =D But don't worry, I'll tell you what I don't like. Being brutally honest is my style =3

25-Aug-2010 01:18:54

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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You're a very strange person... :P

And, I am VERY happy to hear that. I remember with Guild of Jades, I got a lot of positive feed back, but not a lot of constructive criticism. The story became kinda silly (if I remember right :P ). I REALLY don't want that to happen to this.

Anyway, I'm gonna get typing Chapter 4. It's probably gonna be the shortest chapter yet. ooo Can't wait to see what you guys think.

25-Aug-2010 02:15:17

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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CHAPTER 4

“I would just like to first thank all of you for coming out here this cold morning. I know Jennifer had touched many of you… within the last hour; I had a few dozen people come up to me with stories of how Jennifer had changed their lives… It pains me to have to share this news…”

Valkyrie took the dagger and jammed it into his hand. Blood dripped, creating crimson puddles on the floor. He took the same dagger and carelessly ripped it out of his hand, leaving a large gap in the side of his palm. Blood and flesh littered the floor. Valkyrie did*’t care. With what was left of his hand, he grasped the dagger and jammed it into his other hand. He pulled it out slowly, fascinated by the wound. He dropped the knife, started by the warm feeling of his flesh, skin and bones regenerating. He held his hands before his face and watched as they pieced themselves back together.

“Earlier this morning, I had called Jennifer to come down from her room. It was time for breakfast, and we genuinely enjoyed eating together. We had the most interesting of conversations, and she was usually in the kitchen before I even was. You can imagine my surprise when I saw she wasn’t there and even more so when I went up to her room to find she was gone!”

In one hand he grasped a sickle, and with the other he peeled off his bloody tee shirt. He looked down at this chiseled torso, and started at his collar bone. He carved a circle in his chest slowly, so to make the pain deep and lingering. The sickle dug deep into Valkyrie’s flesh, blood trickling down his body. Soon, he was painted a fresh coat of red. The circle was complete within minutes, so Valkyrie removed the sickle and aimed it at his abdomen. He plunged the dagger into his stomach, and twisted it. Ripping it out, Valkyrie watched as his entrails trailed out with the sickle. The feeling of his body fixing itself almost made him sick.

25-Aug-2010 03:29:27 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:41:17 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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“Instantly, I sent out a search party looking for my beloved daughter. I had them search all over Crater City, and then the rest of the Mainland when they couldn’t find her. On their way back, they took a shortcut through the Burning Blair Forest as traffic into Crater City was thick and almost unmovable. It was there my daughter was found. Almost every bone in her body was broken, she looked as if she could’ve drowned in her own blood… oh, God, it’s so hard to say… and her neck was bent at a ninety degree angle. …Do I really need to say it?! Why must we assume the stupidity of—Jennifer Stone is dead!”

Valkyrie approached a construction he’d made as a torture device for his victims. He would’ve never thought he would be using it on himself. It was something liken to an iron maiden with arms. Blades protruded from this iron cage at almost every angle. It would be impossible for Valkyrie to go unscratched. He stepped into the contraption, and pushed into the spikes along the back. He reached out for the cover and slammed it shut. He grinned as he felt the spikes enter his body. For a moment, he felt like water, unbreakable.

“The rest of the Royal Family and I couldn’t feel any more strongly about this.”

Valkyrie kicked open the iron maiden.

“We will make finding whoever killed my Jennifer the number priority for EVERYONE in this city.”

A flood of blood poured out as Valkyrie jumped out of the iron maiden.

“I can assure you all that whoever did this will pay…”

Valkyrie watched as his body pieced itself together. Broken bones were mended and wounds were sealed.

“… I have never been as angry in my life as I am right now!”

He looked over his shoulder at the iron maiden, and grinned. He couldn’t feel a thing.

“There’s no where he can hide.”

x... End Of CHAPTER 4 ...x

25-Aug-2010 03:30:28 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:41:44 by Charmeddude0

Looksavebee

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Only one gripe with the grammar and that's the use of the oxford comma, which is namely using a comma which is conjunction. I've always found that's incorrect, but it's a feature of style and sometimes I even use it (as shown above). Just a warning to not over use it. Instead try to only use it when the sentence is getting a little long and the pause of a comma is needed.

Interesting chapter that's just a little follow on from the previous. But everyone knows that living forever is a taint on the soul. But will Val regret it?

This should get interesting =3

25-Aug-2010 08:54:05

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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CHAPTER 5:

The eager crowd of writers and bards instantly burst into conversation. The scratching of ink quills against parchment melded with the bumbling of whispers. Quietly, the crowd speculated what happened, ignoring the Royal One. He stood behind his oak podium, leaning his elbows against his edges. He rubbed his face vigorously, trying to calm himself.

For once he felt insignificant. For years he ruled over the sprawling metropolis that is Crater City with an open mind and an iron fist, his perfect family supporting him every step of the way. This time last year, his wife had died. She’d fallen victim to a rare blood disease. He was a wreck, but Jennifer was the one thing that kept him all together. And, now she was gone, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He watched as his eager listeners tried to come up with an idea as to who did it.

They knew just as much as he did. Nothing.

His state of sadness really brought out the age in his face, his tears highlighting his wrinkles and how his face drooped. Nothing would make this okay. Earlier he dressed himself in his finest clothes. He hoped his designer robe, tunic, and trousers would cast the notion that he was okay. His eyes soon defied this plan.

The crowd continued congregating among themselves. The Royal One pounded his hands against his podium, “Does anyone have any questions for me?!” he howled, but no one paid any attention. No one wished him well, or cared enough to ask how he felt. Being out there and watching the crowd conspire was pointless, so he turned around and violently kicked open the crystal doors to his castle, leaving the courtyard for the rest of the day.

He stormed through his castle, knocking over vases, kicking in doors, smashing paintings, tears streaming down his face. When it seemed there wasn’t any more destruction to be had, the Royal One let out a scream to seal all of his frustration into one foul sound.

25-Aug-2010 21:35:26 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:42:30 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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And then all was quiet. He fell to his knees and sobbed until the crystalline floor was soaked with tears.

Suddenly, an eruption of commotion came from somewhere within the castle. The agonized screams of his men echoed through the castle, calling him to their aid. Instantly, the Royal One’s sadness was replaced with rage and fury. He leapt to his feat and sprinted through the halls of the castle, searching for the source of the commotion. It brought him to the back lobby, which led to the back courtyard, which led to the Royal One’s sport courts.

A man with flowing blond hair, sharp, masculine features stood in the center of the courtyard. His beige overcoat was stained with the blood of the Royal Servants. He even held the dismembered arm of one of his Royal Servants in one hand, and a steel broadsword in the other. Corpses were strewn all over the floor, and the man did*’t even look half way fatigued.

“Who do you think you are?!” the Royal One growled as he approached the man. He conjured a ball of fire in both of his hands, and adopted a threatening facial expression. “Who do you think you are coming into my house, and killing my men?”

The mysterious man grinned and rested his broadsword on his right shoulder. “You must pay in blood,” he said mysteriously. The Royal One scoffed and tossed his fire balls at the stranger, who dodged them both effortlessly. He sprinted towards the Royal One, dropping the severed arm, holding the broadsword high above his head. He was ready to strike. But so was the Royal One.

He raised one high into the air and then brought it down before him, summoning a burst of wind on the stranger. The stranger stumbled back, but quickly recovered and leapt at the Royal One. He lunged at the Royal One and missed. The Royal One took this opportunity to zap the stranger with a bolt of lightning. The stranger was sent back in a surge of electricity, and hit a far wall. He bounced against the wall, and landed on his feet.

25-Aug-2010 21:36:07

Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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The Royal One shot a finger at the ground, and summoned a tremor at the stranger’s feet. The stranger jumped over it just in time, and rolled back to safety. The Royal Created another tremor, this time catching the stranger off guard. The stranger fell in, but caught the edge of it. He struggled to pull himself back to the top.

The Royal One did*’t feel like waiting. He picked up the stranger telekinetically, and threw him to the side. Like a cat, the stranger landed on his feet. He was sick of this. There’d be no way to approach the Royal One with his powers. So, the stranger threw his broadsword at the Royal One. The Royal One did*’t expect this, so he barely dodged the incoming blade.

It sliced the Royal One’s side. The stranger saw the opportunity to act. He fumbled to his feet and sprinted sloppily to the Royal one. The stranger tackled him, pinning him against a wall. With the stranger’s forearm against his neck, the Royal One was stuck.

“Mr. Royal One… should I call you Mr. One?” the stranger spat. The Royal One glared at him while he choked under the stranger’s pressure. “Jack the Bounty Hunter, at your service. I’m here to avenge your daughter’s death.”

x... end of CHAPTER 5 ...x

25-Aug-2010 21:36:48 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:43:22 by Charmeddude0

Looksavebee

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Quietly, the crowd speculated what happened, ignoring the Royal One.
~ Would probably sit nicer if you reworded it to "The crowd quietly speculated what happened, ignoring the Royal One."

He was a wreck, but Jennifer was the one thing that kept him all together.
~ He had been a wreck

And, now she was gone
~ Sneaky comma you got there.

she was gone, and he couldn’t
~ I feel like a dash would be better suited. Adds a bit of suspense.

hink you are?!” the Royal One
~ Capitalise pl0x

you Mr. One?” the stranger
~ Capitalise again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short, good chapter here. Introducing another character... now this is where I get a little worried. Are you sure you're not introducing too many too fast? I mean, I'm struggling to keep up with each one and remember their little details. If you think you can keep each of them defined clearly, continue with this though. Don't let my inabilities ruin your work =P

Keep it up, Charmeh!

26-Aug-2010 20:23:40

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