Like a child in a (haunted) candy store
~ Blegh. Brackets are bad. Detract from flow of story.
his eagerness, like a siren call
~ I spy with my little eye a comma that doesn't belong.
what was behind that tree, because, he swore on his
~ The first comma isn't needed. Conjunction acts as a joining in this sentence and two comma breaks aren't needed.
He did*’t care what it was; anything to figure out what happened to Jennifer Stone, even if it meant death
~ I don't believe a semi colon works here because the second part keeps coming off as a minor sentence. As it can't stand alone as a sentence by itself.
He needed to go further, deeper, into the forest, inspect every shadow, push over every rock, climb every tree.
~ Comma overload! Reword this sentence? Try dashes and other punctuation techniques.
he was a bad man, and, here, a bad man
~ *Hisses at commas* First and third aren't needed D=<
Just a quick note on commas, as I found you've seriously overused them in chapter seven. Conjunction after a comma should only really be used when a break is needed in the sentence because it's too long. A lot of the time a conjunction can be used instead of a comma and vice versa. When listing in a description, please don't use a comma before the and for the last description. That infuriates me as it really just goes against all grammar we were taught in the early days. Okay, I ignore commas now.
^^ So yeah, a lot of sentences need to be fixed in my opinion.
going on?” he asked
~*Hiss*
not him… You
~ After an ellipsis you don't capitalise the first word.
“Who did it?” the angry man
~ *Hisses, again*
“Who did it!?” he repeated
~ *Rages*
~~~~~~~~
I liked chapter eight. More please.
But it's building nicely. I think I have a small idea of where you're going, so I'm interested to see where you're going to end up. Continue, my friend!
And, as always, any questions about the proofreading, just ask.
~ Blegh. Brackets are bad. Detract from flow of story.
his eagerness, like a siren call
~ I spy with my little eye a comma that doesn't belong.
what was behind that tree, because, he swore on his
~ The first comma isn't needed. Conjunction acts as a joining in this sentence and two comma breaks aren't needed.
He did*’t care what it was; anything to figure out what happened to Jennifer Stone, even if it meant death
~ I don't believe a semi colon works here because the second part keeps coming off as a minor sentence. As it can't stand alone as a sentence by itself.
He needed to go further, deeper, into the forest, inspect every shadow, push over every rock, climb every tree.
~ Comma overload! Reword this sentence? Try dashes and other punctuation techniques.
he was a bad man, and, here, a bad man
~ *Hisses at commas* First and third aren't needed D=<
Just a quick note on commas, as I found you've seriously overused them in chapter seven. Conjunction after a comma should only really be used when a break is needed in the sentence because it's too long. A lot of the time a conjunction can be used instead of a comma and vice versa. When listing in a description, please don't use a comma before the and for the last description. That infuriates me as it really just goes against all grammar we were taught in the early days. Okay, I ignore commas now.
^^ So yeah, a lot of sentences need to be fixed in my opinion.
going on?” he asked
~*Hiss*
not him… You
~ After an ellipsis you don't capitalise the first word.
“Who did it?” the angry man
~ *Hisses, again*
“Who did it!?” he repeated
~ *Rages*
~~~~~~~~
I liked chapter eight. More please.
But it's building nicely. I think I have a small idea of where you're going, so I'm interested to see where you're going to end up. Continue, my friend!
And, as always, any questions about the proofreading, just ask.
12-Sep-2010 08:02:54
.