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Tarsierr

Tarsierr

Posts: 236 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
pving2888.
Your poem could use more descriptive and creative adjectives; more detail, if you will. That's my opinion.
The way you worded it seemed rather mundane. Also, at one point, you went from writing the poem from a first-person point-of-view by saying, "you," to writing in third-person by saying, "she."
The idea behind it isn't exactly your picture-perfect story, but I know that is not what you intended. Your words should reflect the emotions in the very depths of your heart; the feelings that are overwheming in every way. They should be just as intense as that raw, unconditional sorrow that the character (who I assume is you) is feeling throughout the poem.

25-Mar-2011 15:33:42

Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I agree with Buddha when it comes to his critique of the poem by pving.

However, Buddha, I felt that your own poem suffered from being very long winded without being either elegiac or emotional in any sense. I would suggest compressing it down a little.

15-Apr-2011 17:51:51

Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
'Moon'
a poem by Crocefisso,
written 9 Feb 2011

The moon is dead -
absent.
In the city
streetlights glow.
In the windows,
lights flicker.
I sit on the rooftop -
waiting.
Even the stars have
fallen
Behind the orange glow
of the sky.

*** For more poems in a range of styles, largely pre-modern Japanese ones, as well as a selection of short stories, vist The Crocefisso Collection, QFC 49-50-20-60916842 ***

15-Apr-2011 17:54:33

kittykittyTM

kittykittyTM

Posts: 544 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Original Poem
Your Too Good For Me
By - Ezekiel B. Goldstein
Your perfect
I want your love
I cut myself as i think of u
The blood runs down my arm
I begin to lose ****ohesness
I think I am dieing
I will be w/u in heavin
My mom opens the door
She says "wat r u doing in the tub"
She sees my blood and calls ambulance
Ambulance is hear
They take me to hopsital
I see angle over my bed
It is my great granma
Y did u do this 2 them Zeke she says
I need her to love me this will make her
No it wont she cant love u if ur dead
But i dont want to live w/o her anymore
I wake up from being in comma
Son y did u cut your wrist my mom says
I wanted 2 die cant u see!!!
Dont yell at your mother says my dad
He looks at me like hes mad
We go home and i go to sleep
I here my door open but its dark
Son u r in big trouble says my dad
He hits me with his belt and i bite my lip
blood trikle down my face onto my stomack
He leaves and i cry myself 2 sleep
I wake up and no that i need 2 change things
I grab gun from to my dads closet
I hide it in my pokit and he takes me 2 school
I see football players with their girlfriends
I think about my crush and cutting my wrist
I take gun out of my pokit
U die 2day for making me like this!!!
I shoot them and ppl are screaming and running away
I look in there eyes as they die and see there pain like me
The pirnciple comes out and asks me
Wat r u doing u always get good grades!!!
Your not a bad kid just put down the gun
I say its 2 late for that now u made me this way
I am evil and now u r going 2 die i shoot him
my crush comes and sees me i look at her and cry
she says I have always loved u but i was afraid 2 tell u
I think about droping the gun but i think it is 2 l8
I look at her in the eyes and shoot her
I raise the gun 2 my chin and shoot myself
Parents find my suside note
"Mom
Dad Beats Me
I Love U
I Am Killing PPL
Dad
Frick U
I Hate U
I Will Miss U Mom
But Heavin Needs Another Angle"
THE END

23-Apr-2011 09:42:53 - Last edited on 23-Apr-2011 09:46:10 by kittykittyTM

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23-Apr-2011 10:07:17

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07-May-2011 08:06:57

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