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Xana_anaX,
Hello. I'm a fair few weeks late in this feedback, so I'll make it a little more in-depth than I normally do. Hopefully this can somehow compensate for my tardiness.
"Poem #1"
I felt as if this poem was too abstract to really be effective. You provide a series of sayings and clichéd mantras. These can be incredibly effective in poetry if utilized correctly. This usually entails an intimate connection with the reader as well as a climactic ending to the poem. This is unusual because usually free verse poems do not focus on a plot but more of a scene.
The punctuation was a bit off, which is not necessarily a bad thing**** cummings knew how to misuse punctuation and grammar to an absolutely astounding effect. What the reader feels, however, after reading it is more that you misused it and less that it added to the poem. In a poem focusing on such a dark and dreary topic, I would suggest using proper grammar, however, and not trying to utilize the manipulation of its misuse.
I think that you should focus on clarifying your point. What can be gleaned as of now is merely that greed is bad. You should focus on really defining your wanted theme. You can do this by being more picky with your word choice and replacing some of your overused sayings with descriptions of examples of what happens when the world succumbs.
Furthermore, I thought the following lines should be reconsidered because, although perfectly fine in their own right, they have little to do with the lines leading up to them and contemplation of their meaning to the rest of the poem will be distracting to the reader:
"Like how the devil believes
What he does is right,
Some criminals arent criminals
In their own eyes. ".
Hello. I'm a fair few weeks late in this feedback, so I'll make it a little more in-depth than I normally do. Hopefully this can somehow compensate for my tardiness.
"Poem #1"
I felt as if this poem was too abstract to really be effective. You provide a series of sayings and clichéd mantras. These can be incredibly effective in poetry if utilized correctly. This usually entails an intimate connection with the reader as well as a climactic ending to the poem. This is unusual because usually free verse poems do not focus on a plot but more of a scene.
The punctuation was a bit off, which is not necessarily a bad thing**** cummings knew how to misuse punctuation and grammar to an absolutely astounding effect. What the reader feels, however, after reading it is more that you misused it and less that it added to the poem. In a poem focusing on such a dark and dreary topic, I would suggest using proper grammar, however, and not trying to utilize the manipulation of its misuse.
I think that you should focus on clarifying your point. What can be gleaned as of now is merely that greed is bad. You should focus on really defining your wanted theme. You can do this by being more picky with your word choice and replacing some of your overused sayings with descriptions of examples of what happens when the world succumbs.
Furthermore, I thought the following lines should be reconsidered because, although perfectly fine in their own right, they have little to do with the lines leading up to them and contemplation of their meaning to the rest of the poem will be distracting to the reader:
"Like how the devil believes
What he does is right,
Some criminals arent criminals
In their own eyes. ".
29-May-2010 20:59:51
"Exordium de Orbis Terrarum"
Hello. Overall, I think you did a very good job identifying your theme and thoughts in this poem. This is usually easier to do with versed poems. If I took a gander, this appears as a sonnet, which is form that really requires you to identify your theme.
What I would focus on improving, however, is your iambic pentameter, as I presume this is what you're working with. Without it, the poem has an incredibly forced feeling.
To give you an example of what I mean, think of it this way:
Your current version contains this,
"My heart was filled with thoughts I now have banned.
It, too, can look into your soul and see
The sins you have committed in His name, "
But if you invert it to read like this,
"My heart was filled with thoughts I now have banned.
Into your soul it too can look and sed
The sins you have committed in his name"
You retain command of the flow of the verse. It makes the poetry read much more smoothly whilst also providing a sounder foundation of rhythm with which to work.
Also, I think you copped out a few times. Each line should read as a full clause, so ending it with introductory nouns for the following line is really detrimental. "My eyes" does not belong in the second line.
And, lastly, I think that in the fourth from last line, the evil should be introduced by an extended hyphen (a dash), and not a comma. The dash will help to clarify that you mean that the narrator is the evil and that it is not another instance of a previewing noun.
Hello. Overall, I think you did a very good job identifying your theme and thoughts in this poem. This is usually easier to do with versed poems. If I took a gander, this appears as a sonnet, which is form that really requires you to identify your theme.
What I would focus on improving, however, is your iambic pentameter, as I presume this is what you're working with. Without it, the poem has an incredibly forced feeling.
To give you an example of what I mean, think of it this way:
Your current version contains this,
"My heart was filled with thoughts I now have banned.
It, too, can look into your soul and see
The sins you have committed in His name, "
But if you invert it to read like this,
"My heart was filled with thoughts I now have banned.
Into your soul it too can look and sed
The sins you have committed in his name"
You retain command of the flow of the verse. It makes the poetry read much more smoothly whilst also providing a sounder foundation of rhythm with which to work.
Also, I think you copped out a few times. Each line should read as a full clause, so ending it with introductory nouns for the following line is really detrimental. "My eyes" does not belong in the second line.
And, lastly, I think that in the fourth from last line, the evil should be introduced by an extended hyphen (a dash), and not a comma. The dash will help to clarify that you mean that the narrator is the evil and that it is not another instance of a previewing noun.
29-May-2010 21:48:23 - Last edited on 29-May-2010 21:48:44 by Yrolg
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