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Clash of the Incarnations

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[#5AGSIZET9]

[#5AGSIZET9]

Posts: 3,564 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Artemis, pouting, nodded. “Fine, whatever.”

Daigan’s stomach wrenched. “I…do you know… Randall Malden?”

Artemis scowled. “That little rat? He’s so arrogant; I can hardly stand to go to Edgeville ‘cause of him.”

“Well, I went to Edgeville yesterday to make a sale of lumber. And…he was there to meet me.”

“Did he try to intimidate you? He does that to pretty much all visitors, I hear.”

Daigan nodded. It was getting hard to speak through his dry throat. “At first, it was no big deal. But then, when I was leaving, we got into a fight.”

“You fought Randall Malden?” Artemis replied, aghast. “His father is the most powerful man in Edgeville! Good call on leaving."

"There’s more. I… we were fighting, and I…I hated him so much…”

“Well, spit it out!” cried Artemis. “Me and Zharoun are here for you, so don’t spare us…”

“I killed him!” Daigan shouted, and a ringing silence followed his outburst.

“You… killed him?” Artemis breathed.

“I pulled a dagger and I killed him.”

Artemis turned to Zharoun, and the Sage was looking down at the ground. He seemed to be lost inside his own head. Artemis then looked back to Daigan.

“How could you do something like that!?”

Daigan did not answer. Artemis stood up, furious. “I can’t believe you. You’re a monster after all.”

Her biting tone shook Daigan back to the scene. “I’m sorry… Artemis.”

“It’s too late for that! You should be sorry to the poor boy you killed, not to me.”

The rage boiled within Daigan before he could stop it. “You don’t understand what happened at all! You could never have felt that kind of hatred and anger before!”

“I’m finding it pretty easy at the moment! And you’re a fool to think that!”

“Think what?”

“That you’re the only one going through it! Anger isn’t an excuse; you can move past it!”

“Spoken like someone who has no experience with it,” Daigan replied, bitterly.

23-Feb-2010 21:26:37 - Last edited on 23-Feb-2010 21:28:49 by [#5AGSIZET9]

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nice adds! :P
And about the 'party composition' thing: Look, you are proposing that Riekan use a cliche. The fact that other authors have used it isn't a good thing, it's a bad thing. It means that, if he does use that formula, he's not as original as he could be. I fight hard against unoriginality in my stories, I don't feel you should be encouraging people to submit to it.

24-Feb-2010 16:08:33

[#45SO12LQO]

[#45SO12LQO]

Posts: 1,182 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"History is told by the winners" would sound better if you used "victors". It's the more commonly used word an sounds better.

I also feel maybe you could write in a small paragraph and he feel the moment rushing back towards him and the sticky hot blood on his hands around when the sage says his speech about present day differing little from the past.

You could possibly do him glancing at his dagger again and again, in disbelief of what he had done. It must have seem a rush but now his mind has settled, he must feel shock. He should still not properly register what he had done. His mind should whirl over it.

A bit more shock too from Artemis. If somebody told me that they had killed somebody then I would doubt them, no matter the sincerity in which they said it.

By the way, have you read "betrayal at Falador"?

Nice work dude. WRITE MORE PLEASE! :)

24-Feb-2010 16:26:56

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Actually, the 'winners' bit is better, because that's how the phrase is normally used.
Given that she started yelling at him, I think she was shocked enough. Not everybody screams/goes into a coma at the news that somebody they don't know very well killed somebody they didn't know very well AND didn't like.

Him glancing at his dagger seems kind of unnecessary. Sure, some people might want to write that he's just come to terms with it, but a) he's already told somebody, and b) He seems to have already come to terms with it. Sure, he could look at his dagger, but there really isn't much point and it would be a bit inconsistent. And a cliche, too. :/

24-Feb-2010 17:06:06 - Last edited on 24-Feb-2010 17:08:04 by YuBiusk Ink

[#45SO12LQO]

[#45SO12LQO]

Posts: 1,182 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Actually Victors is the common term used the the phrase and it is so because "winners" is very inappropriate. Nobody truly wins from war. They may be victorious but being "winners" seems a bit simple a childish within the powerful written context in which it is placed. The term won may be permitted in reference to war as long as you do not proclaim youself "winners". I'm sure those who died really agree that they are "winners" when they never get to see their families again...

Did I say scream or go into a coma? Where the hell did you get that from? If that if your definition of shock then you need to read a dictionary. I merely said to act more shocked which if you look it up in a thesaurus means alarmed or startled, no comatised or shouty. Next, I don't know anybody who has killed anybody (I hope). So if somebody told you that they had killed somebody then you wouldn't say "Are you joking?" which is the auto reaction of 99% of people. If somebody, wait - no! ANYBODY, expecially a teenager who has led what seems like a rather sheltered life and that couldn't fight off a bunch of goblins, told you that they had murdered somebody then you seek confirmation. It's basic human phycology!

Lastly the blood thing really does happen. It's called shell shock. The reason that people write it is because it is true. Maybe a bit cliche. I don't really mind this paragraph being ignored and am just voicing my own opinion.

26-Feb-2010 21:03:36

YuBiusk Ink

YuBiusk Ink

Posts: 2,888 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I was being sarcastic, Toby. What did you expect her to do, though? Break down crying? Run away? All she knows is that a kid she dislikes was murdered by a friend of hers. Her reaction seems perfectly realistic.
About the victor's thing: It goes both ways, actually. Don't try to win this with philosophy, there are winners in a war. See, they're the people--hang on, this is hard to grasp--that WIN.
:P

01-Mar-2010 15:56:24

[#5AGSIZET9]

[#5AGSIZET9]

Posts: 3,564 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I like the lively debate. This is aimed at no one; I'm just trying to (somehow) articulate what I was thinking when I wrote this section of the story:

What I was basing most of my events on is the fact that different people can act differently to the same event. I was going for Artemis accepting it based on the sincerity of Daigan's confession and the fact that she was already predisposed to accepting it after Zharoun's story (the night had already been full of surprises, so anything was possible, so to speak). Also, I fully intend to have Daigan suffer from flashes like you suggested, Toby, but I really need to space it out. While in reality someone would be unable to escape it, I'm afraid that readers may get tired of the same imagery over and over again. That's basically what I was going for. Looking back, the denial would probably have been a good idea, but at the time I thought her clarification request would be satisfactory.

I'm glad to see you guys debating, but let's keep it cordial. The only person my readers insult and threaten around here is me ;)

To answer your question, Toby, no I have not read Betrayal and Falador.

Thanks, and I hope to have more adds up soon. :)

01-Mar-2010 21:05:02

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