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Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Magnus' only thoughts were of his job, and he did not really know anyone but their name and appearance.

Feeling free, he supported the Free Company as best he could, but as the fates would have it, when he turned thirty-five, his Free Company was involved in a battle between Falador and mercenary company, its origins not known to Magnus. The battlefield was north of Falador, amidst the goblin village and its ravine. Assuming the battle to be easy, the Free Company's condottiere and Falador's knights issued a charge; knights, as well as some cavalry of the Free Company lead by the condottieri, galloped forth to sweep aside the mercenaries, infantry following behind. The opposing force consisted of landsknecht, mercenaries equipped with pikes, two-handed swords, katzbalgers, and some simple firearms.

The cavalry charged through the Goblin Village, trampling through everything that happened to be in the way, and then into the pikes set-up just beyond the village, guns firing from amidst the pikemen at the incoming horsemen, and the charge ended in disaster; the length of the pikes were much longer than the length of lances, so the horses' heads, necks and chests drove into the assembly of spearheads, thus the horses without armour were skewered. Trapped between the walls of mountains and forest, the cavalry were unhorsed and marched upon. The infantry of Falador and the Free Company, crossbowmen at the front lines, marched to meet the fray. The horses and the weight of armour had softened the ground, and the advancing heavily armed and armoured infantry found their feet sinking into the mud; some men climbed over sinking men, and some decided to attack the goblins.

The landsknechts advanced, and not wearing any armoured at all, only puffed and slashed clothing, were able to march through the mud without too much sinking, and overwhelmed the infantry who were stuck in the mud.

21-Jan-2013 06:53:25 - Last edited on 21-Jan-2013 06:53:51 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crossbows were used against the advancing force, but they were not enough; armoured men were piled and held under the mud until they drowned, or were met with point-blank shots by firearms, or if they wore less armour, were hacked to pieces. Some goblins joined the fight against the Free Company.

Magnus managed to escape as he did not wear metal armour for his legs, and being long-legged, was one of the first to escape the battle. It was an "every many for himself" scenario, and many more were killed or captured during the route than the actually fighting. Nonetheless, Magnus escaped, but faced with desertion charges if he returned to Falador, took his chances in the wild, ending up in the outlands that was the Wilderness. He stumbled upon Varrock's northern outskirts, and tired and hungry, entered the city. Predictably, with nothing to do, he went to the guardhouse and managed to get a job as a guard, terrorizing thugs and pesky halflings. Still, he wonders what his family is up to, and has thoughts if Varg is still alive.

– Skills: Magnus’ height and strength makes for his lack of professionalism; he is untalented, but brave. He has a powerful knack for survival, capable of escaping the jaws of failure often at the cost of his fortunes, so at least he's good at that thing.

– Phobias / Fears: Although almost fearless, Magnus suffers from thanatophobia, the fear of death itself, and caligynephobia, the fear of beautiful women. As such, he avoids attractive ladies, and runs away when he knows he cannot win a fight (such as what happened when he met the Trolls).

– Bad Habits / Vices: He is a frequent nail-biter, lacks social skills, and suffers from insomnia. He is overall an unpleasant character.

– Quirks: Has a habit of being morbid, aggressive and vulgar, but is generally passive and shy. His idiosyncrasy changes too often it would seem.

* Best Qualities: Strong and brave, like the knights of fairy-tales, but not quite a knight in shining armour.

21-Jan-2013 06:54:15

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
– Worst Qualities: Shy and uncivilised.

– Key Childhood Experiences: When he was very young, not even ten years of age, he beat-up a bully much older than he was, whom never bullied him, yet Magnus hated him so much as to attack him, kicking and not punching, forcing him off his feet, dragging him towards himself, and continued kicking the bully until the bully’s mother threw Magnus off. Magnus watched the mother carry the bully away, mother and son tearful. Magnus did not know what to think of.

– Key Teenage Experiences: His first job was a bouncer, and during a very cold winter evening, a loser wanted to step into the bar, the cold having turned his face and ears red. Having developed a sixth sense upon who to let in and who to keep out, Magnus pushed the loser away. Angry, the loser slid a knife out and delivered death threats. Wanting to punch the bum, but aware that the extreme cold would simply cause his knuckles pain upon impact, instead, Magnus pressed his palm against the loser’s ear and lifted it, hearing it crack; the loser screeched and ran away whimpering.

– Key Adult Experiences: After he had joined Khazard’s coalition, there was a brief hostility between Khazard and Yanille. After provocation on both sides, a skirmish occurred. After the fighting, which lasted less than half an hour, both sides retreated and there was no clear winner. One of Magnus’ friends had his groin torn open, the wound deep and ending up to the belly. As he ran away with the comrades, his large intestines dropped and hung over his knees, and he tripped on them, falling down and having disembowelled himself; he rolled onto his back and wondered what to do, feeling his stomach become lighter and his strength sapping away.

21-Jan-2013 06:54:37

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The soldiers of Yanille had a change of thought and began a pursuit, and Magnus’ friend, unable to do anything, asked to be killed rather than face the fate of becoming a prisoner of war and possible torture. As the other troopers ran away, Magnus drove his dagger into his friend’s forehead, and then stomped on the pommel to ensure he was dying. Unable to withdraw the dagger, Magnus retreated with the others. He wondered why and how he could kill a friend upon request without thinking. The future skirmishes mentioned above also were key experiences for him.

– Relationship Background: His only real relationship are with others like him, though this varies greatly. He is predictably a stolid, empty guy, though his emotion is subject to change. As mentioned in the many back stories, he goes with the flow.

– Favorites: He likes heavy armour and heavy weapons, and preferably situations in which he does not fail.

– Goals: Magnus wishes to support himself and his family via booty acquired during warfare, and wants to bring his family back together, though he wonders if it is a realistic, let alone worthwhile, attempt.

– Morality / Ethics: Neither good nor evil, he is capable of doing bad things soldiers often do, but outside of warfare he can do good things.

– Style of Speech: Generally vague, shy and passive, he does not talk with any notable style.

21-Jan-2013 06:54:47

Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, Zmaster, obviously I'm not able to give you a lot of feedback, but I like your character. I especially appreciate the bit about the bracelet because it made him come alive to me. I'd like to say more, but Xen is much more qualified to review your character. :)

21-Jan-2013 22:03:19

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Patience is a virtue.

I really liked your revised version. You took it in exactly the direction that you needed to: added a lot more detail where necessary, cleaned up uncertain phrases, and—most importantly—added a sense of professionalism with your capitalization and added punctuation. It reads much more smoothly now, and I commend you on turning it around so thoroughly! Keep this same level of polish in all of your work and all of your comments, and I guarantee that you'll improve quickly.

I particularly like how you filled in parts of his history throughout the sections, since it gives me a much clearer picture of the life he has lived. You establish his more nuanced relationship with his father, and though it could still use some more development it's much more complex than it was originally, and I see now that the father means well but has a strange way of expressing it (as opposed to just being mean for no discernible reason). You also start to develop his social placement within the tribe as a whole, which gives the reader a much clearer sense of his everyday interactions.

Though you have done an excellent job developing the 'Key Experiences' sections, I would still recommend that you add more experiences in to have some variety. It might take a while the first time you write them, but you'll get faster as you write more of them. And the more experiences he has, the more examples you'll have of his reactions in specific scenarios.

Overall, this is an absolutely fantastic improvement on your original work. There are of course still things that you can work on, but I won't go into detail about them here. Suffice to say if you continue to lengthen each section, add more details about his history and experience, and tighten up some of your sentences, this character would be right at home in a published novel.

22-Jan-2013 04:58:58

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Azi, consider this a reserve post for comments on your new bio. I've given it a once-over, but I'll go back and tease out some specifics presently.

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You've definitely added a lot here, and a good deal of it is really useful, especially when it comes to the armor detail. I love the overall arc of the story you added in, as I think it shows a lot of important pieces of Magnus' character. His personality has been developed a good deal through other added experiences, and I can get a better sense of how he'd react to new situations.

That said, detail would have been better applied elsewhere. The story, interesting as it is, could have been a supplement, and included much less regarding specific types of soldiers. You only need the bare-bones outline of the history in the bio itself. That doesn't mean you can't tell a story, it just means you have to know what's important about the story and include only that. It's a hard skill to learn, but worth learning.

Like Zmaster, I think you would do well to include a wider variety of experiences in the 'Key Experiences' sections, and more small details in sections such as 'Phobias / Fears' and 'Favorites.' They might be small, *** they do a lot to fill in the cracks. More about his 'origin story,' as it were, would help readers relate to him, and would likely help you to visualize his life, and the kinds of things that would be floating around in his head when he's not focusing on anything in particular.

I did really enjoy the longer story bit, though. With some trimming of the specifics (they slow the action-y parts down a bit) it's a lovely supplement for the rest of the bio, and reveals a lot about the character you're creating.

22-Jan-2013 04:59:54 - Last edited on 22-Jan-2013 05:38:18 by Xereva

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