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Code Witch

Posts: 16 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Another late assignment: 1.23.13

Jealousy and Hatred

"Now, stand up!"

A woman in front of Treznor slowly made her way towards him. Her eyes are as dark as the night and her lips, full and red, both complimenting her fair complexion. She has wavy, strawberry blonde hair with an iron circlet over it. She would've been beautiful, he thought, if only she isn't clad in such heavy armor with her long sword raised towards him.

"Fight, coward!"

It was sudden. He felt a blow so hard at his side so that he had to furl sideways, more than he is curled up before, to somewhat ease the pain. He could not stand nor run anymore for he was cornered.

"Why are you so mean?" He cried while his face is still buried underneath his arms.

The woman, however, continued to kick him. Soon enough, when he started to feel numb from so much bruise, he heard her yelling in anger.

"Worthless!" She bellowed. "Father was failed when he chose you. Scum like you should die!"

CLANG!

Trembling and kneeling on one knee, Treznor was able to block with the flat of his sword the full strength of the woman's dreadful assault. Both of them stopped for that moment, both nullifying the force pressed against each other. But she came to her senses, she knows that he will defend himself this time so she shouted infuriatedly at him, and twisted her sword so that she could swing it heavily again towards him, this time, on his other side. He was able to parry her attack. He took a stand and stopped the next, then the next, and the next. Then she jumped away from him, regaining her stance. Treznor did the same.

Both of them charged. The woman leapt and was about to hack Treznor's head. However, he was able to make his way to her center and bashed her with his empty hand, sending her flying away. Yet she was able to quickly balance herself on her two feet as she landed and ran towards him, her sword pointing at him. It was just a matter of seconds and he would have been pierced if he wasn't able to turn

Do not disturb

18-Jun-2013 13:08:22

Code Witch

Posts: 16 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

around when she came, let her thrust her weapon into the air while he pushed it with his sword off her hands in her surprise.

They both stopped and gasped for breath. After wiping the blood from the swelling that bursted during the fight, Treznor thrusted his sword to the ground. Then he slid his right foot a bit forward, and raised his clenched fists. The woman who is right across him, snickered.

"I take it back." She said as she assumed her stance.

Then both rushed forward to each other and an exchange of fists ensued. Then the woman ducked and tried to trip Treznor. It didn't work. He was able to jump off her leg and while on air, threw a kick to her side. But she was able to catch it and using the force he threw at her, she used it to throw him away instead. Treznor tumbled but was able to get on his feet for is he wasn't, he won't be able to evade the hack that was about to land on his neck with the heavy blow of the side of the woman's palm.

"We... Huff..." Treznor started, panting. "Should stop..."

But the woman took the chance to make a roundhouse kick, hitting his face effectively. It was able to burst the blue bruises he incurred earlier which are now black and bloody. Treznor howled in pain, as he wiped off the dripping blood off his eyebrows.

"Why are you so intent on killing me?" Treznor cried in desperation of stopping their fight. "What wrong did I do to you? And who are you anyway?"

The woman clenched her fists tightly and let out a deep sigh.

"You have no fault against me." She told him. "I just can't accept the fact that father would choose a weakling over me."

"Your father?"

"Lisanna, what's going on here?"

Both Treznor and the woman looked where the hard voice came from. It came from the Guard Captain who looked around to see a bloody Treznor, and a mildly-injured woman.

"What on earth happened here?"

"Father, I can ex--"

"You!" Bellowed the captain as he marched towards Treznor. "What did you do to my daughter?"

He seized Treznor

Do not disturb

18-Jun-2013 13:09:12

Code Witch

Posts: 16 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

by his collar and lifted him up, using the strength of his right hand. He was about to punch poor, trembling Treznor on his face when Lisanna ran towards him and pulled his arm.

"Father, I was jealous of Treznor because you trained him... And now, I know the reason why."

The Guard Captain's angry eyes then focused on her.

"I did all this. I'm sorry..."

After a minute of silence, the Guard Captain dropped Treznor down who immediately gasped for air and managed to ran away. Then he walked away, followed by Lisanna who wrapped herself around his arm and leaned on him.

Can't believe I wasn't able to make it up to 4 posts eventhough this story has more than 4000 characters.

Do not disturb

18-Jun-2013 13:11:41

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Sorry in advance about all the 'non text/assignment posts I've done where I've been saying still waiting.'

It's fine Xen, I'd rather you hurt me than compliment me because it means that you care. So thanks, and I'll get this assignment done sometime this week.

18-Jun-2013 20:58:47

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Blue, if you want me to grade the assignment, you have to hit the minimum post requirement—I'll give you a couple comments on that piece, but not a full critique. And you should avoid trying to catch up on the other assignments and do this week's instead. I'll post the critique for your other piece in a few.

Zmaster, I look forward to reading it. Good on you for continuing.

18-Jun-2013 21:21:23 - Last edited on 18-Jun-2013 21:21:49 by Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Okay Blue, here you go.

As a whole, your work is not bad. However, I don't find it particularly engaging or interesting either, and much of the bio is wasted on the repetition of facts that have already been stated, such as Treznor's fear and specific reactions to those things that he is fearful of . You have a start on the kind of specificity that I am looking for, but fall far short. And while you attempt in some ways to tell a story with the character regarding his heritage as the Captain of the Guard's son, it's not nearly as fleshed out as it could be, and indeed there's only one moment when you draw attention to it.

The main thing about your assignment that irks me is you seem to be right on the cusp of providing a wealth of detail, but then hang back and give only generalizations. You keep mentioning his apprenticeship to one of the palace cooks, but not why he enjoyed it, or what he did apart from train. You mention his not wanting to be a guard and fear of combat, but not the origins of these wants and emotions. His life is painted in broad strokes, and as such he could be one of many, many different individuals, with little except for the company he keeps to mark him out. Where are the little idiosyncracies, where the deeper quirks, the deeper motivations? Get into his head, root out the experiences that have affected him. Sketch, but with small, intricate details instead of big lines. It can be rough and disjointed, but in order to make up for that you have to have more .

On another note, much of Treznor's character is made up of accepted clichés: his life as an orphan of mysterious background, his love of books and cooking rather than the fighting which he is forced into, etc. This has been done… well, a lot. If you watch or have read Game of Thrones, think of Sam Tarly.

18-Jun-2013 21:31:23 - Last edited on 18-Jun-2013 21:32:39 by Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

You tend to use far more commas than you need to. One example is here:

- "His nails are most of the time, filled with dirt and his boots, muddied."

You might consider saying it as "His nails are often filled with dirt, and his boots with mud', among other options. There are other locations where you could re-phrase to make the sentence less awkward as well, including here:

- "…and has not seen action for like, ever since."

I'm not sure if this is meant to be amusing or not, but my uncertainty means that it needs work. I hope for your sake that it was meant as satire, otherwise you need to carefully consider how your tone is constructed in your writing. Not that you shouldn't be considering it anyway.

To summarize: more detail, more individuality, more interconnection between different elements of the character, more precision… just MORE. Don't just say that his speech is in a normal tone, describe what quirks he has when he talks, things he emphasizes. Does he speak too quietly or too loudly, or barely speak at all? Does he use certain phrases overmuch? Does he have a lisp? And also, WHY does he do the things he does? What are his origins, what is his background? You barely tell anything of his childhood and formative years, and the result is a flat character who exists solely in the present with little depth and interest, and who would be dull to follow were he the subject of a proper story.

18-Jun-2013 21:31:37

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The Blue Moon Pub
The barman sighed, looking down at the empty space where the new shipment of beer was supposed to have been delivered. He hadn’t expected them to arrive yet, anyway.
He’d learned over the years that The Phoenix Gang delivered a week late as a rule. Still, he couldn’t help but checking sometimes.
They were the bar’s only suppliers ever since- the barman shuddered- Johnny’s murder. He did*’t really understand the specifics just that in one day the bar went from having ten suppliers from all around Gielinor, to having the dwarves refusing to answer his requests.

Later that day he found a letter from the Phoenix Gang on his bed. It explained that Johnny was a spy working against the king and was murdered as a safety precaution.

The barman knew well enough not to delve deeper and he left it as so. Lost in his thoughts, the barman did*’t notice Dr. Marlow lounging against the bar wall until he knocked into him.
Instead of becoming angry Dr. Marlow sputtered,
‘Havin’ me brew ay, that me is. I go find de new paypa’ in the square.’
The barman watched him go, as he wobbled off, fell, then muttered to himself about pie as he pulled himself back up.
For the second time that day, the barman sighed.
Dr. Marlow was evidently drunk.
He was not looking forward to the hangover Dr. Marlow undoubtedly would have the next day, though he knew it would involve a bucket of water, and some red berry berries.
He figured he would pick some later. He made a left at the end of the wall and looked up. He saw the mercenary’s light on. He did*’t know what he was up to, and frankly, did n’t care.

19-Jun-2013 02:42:49 - Last edited on 19-Jun-2013 02:51:15 by song book

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ --

The mercenary opened his door and stepped outside, waiting for the click to know if the door’s lock mechanism still worked.
You could never be too cautious.
He put a hand over the concealed sheath near his belt, and enjoyed tracing the shape of the dagger.

He took the steps two at a time, eager to get to meet with his acquaintance yet not trying to make himself look conspicuous. He passed the portraits of the barman’s family hung on the wall, and, as he had accustomed to doing, chuckled at the picture of the barman’s wife. She sure had some massive eyebrows, he thought, passing a man trekking up the stairs.
He ducked under the part where the ceiling was low, and emerged into a wide room. He looked around and saw the barman behind the counter, chatting to a young lady. He snorted. You wish.
He peered at a table and saw a motley assortment of members of the Phoenix clan talking to each other in boisterous voices.
There were many a beer spilled on the carved mahogany wood.

At a different table a bald man with arching eyebrows and prominent cheekbones sat, cradling in his hands a steaming mug. He knew of only one who enjoyed, let alone could afford, smoking cider.
He made his way over, ducking under Dr. Harlow who was swinging his arms wildly, and sat down at a low table. The other man opened his mouth to speak but the mercenary held up his hand and looked around, noticing how people shot glances in his direction. He wasn’t too worried however, since the bar was known to attract all kind of attention.

The cook was smoothing out the carpet, trying not to look too ashamed of himself, while dusting out the threaded flax.
You should be embarrassed, the mercenary thought.
He’d been put there because he had forgotten about a dish of cabbage and
accidentally cooked it.

When he brought it to be fed to the mercenary the mercenary took one look and caused an uproar.

19-Jun-2013 02:43:10 - Last edited on 19-Jun-2013 02:47:58 by song book

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

He closed his mind’s eye and accepted the object covered in cloth without comment. He nodded, and they both stood up and walked in each’s respective direction; the mercenary to his room, and the other out of the bar.
------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ --

The man lay in his bed unable to fall asleep.
True, the bar was noisy what with the all-nighters downstairs and the mercenary in the next room.

And more, he couldn’t forget the glint of steel that he saw as he passed the mercenary. He could have sworn it was a dagger, and they were banned from the bar. He did*’t have proof however, and wasn’t enough of an idiot to confront him.

He turned on his side, and reached out to catch sleep, but it had other ideas. It flew away into his nightstand and hid there until he forced it out and it drifted through the air into the corner, where it was trapped. Triumphant, the man caught it and stuffed it into the jar, letting blackness wash over him.

------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ ------------ --
The mercenary uncovered the cloth, examined the scroll in his hand, and read:
Dear my dear friend,
I know what you’re planning.
Johnny The Beard

In his dreams, the man saw the mercenary come into his room.
Johnny ignored him.

Just another weird thing at the Blue Moon Inn.

19-Jun-2013 02:43:43 - Last edited on 19-Jun-2013 02:45:06 by song book

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