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Xereva

Xereva

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Having given it a quick look, I really enjoy it. The Blue Moon has always been a favorite of mine, and I like that you've mixed a small storyline in with the description. More details tomorrow, since I'm currently at work editing and continuing a piece I wrote some time ago and have been meaning to re-post. You may see it on the forums later tonight.

19-Jun-2013 03:37:15

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alright Zmaster, here you go.

While I stand by my original opinion of having enjoyed your piece, there is still a lot that could use work. You've done a much better job on general detail, sprinkling in descriptions here and there so that they don't overwhelm, but not so sparsely that they don't paint a quick picture. I also like how you've made the characters as much a part of the environment as the actual fixtures of the Inn, swapping between them so that the reader gets not only the view of everyone in the bar, but everyone's views of each other. I might try experimenting with this myself sometime.

This aside, your character transitions were unclear, and I wasn't entirely sure how your piece was supposed to move in time. Is this all taking place in one evening? Are there flashbacks involved? Is Johnny dead or isn't he? (For the record, I remember him as being part of a quest, but it's been at least seven years since I actually played it, so I don't remember who he is exactly). You need to work, now, on /clarity/—making sure that your voice, tone, and descriptions convey exactly what you intend, or as close to it as possible. For instance:

- "Later that day he found a letter from the Phoenix Gang on his bed. It explained that Johnny was a spy working against the king and was murdered as a safety precaution."

This, I'm assuming is past-tense, something that the barman is remembering. So "Later that day he had found a letter" would be appropriate, and convey that it is a memory rather than the current happening. I understand what you're trying to say, but it's better to be as clear as possible. You repeat this mistake a couple times throughout, so take care about your tenses.

19-Jun-2013 16:51:16

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I don't know if this is personal preference or an actual error, but your paragraph lengths make the piece feel choppy to me, broken up so much that any sense of flow is lost as the reader lingers on each line. The lack of spacing between paragraphs is also distracting, since those spaces that do exist seem almost to be intended as miniature scene or idea breaks, marking a shift in focus or something else. Formatting options on the forums being limited, you can't center a '—' in the middle of a line to more elegantly mark section breaks, but my own solution is either to add four dashes (----) between sections or make the scene breaks so clear that no further emphasis is needed, though they still tend to take place between posts. But never leave out spaces between paragraphs on the forums. Always hit enter twice. Take a look at 'The Writer's Refuge' if you want an example.

Despite my enjoyment of it, the piece also hovers rather close to being a character study instead of an exploration of a location, and loses some of the detail that you could have added were you not busy describing the small plot that you developed. You do a good job for the most part with not heaping on too much detail in any one place, but you might consider going a bit further with the physical environment. It's a sketch, which is a start, now fill in the gaps and really paint it.

The most important thing, though, is that I definitely do get a feel for the Inn, even if it's faint. I can start to picture the late-night laughter and carousing that's keeping the man awake, the smell of overcooked cabbage, the secretive hand-off of the message in the middle of the bar. You've gotten off to an excellent start. I'd love to see a revision of this where you tighten it up and streamline it, and add just a little bit more detail to finish it off.

Solid work. You've got a lot of room to improve, but you can definitely do it.

19-Jun-2013 16:51:27

song book

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Blue Moon Pub
The barman sighed, looking down at the empty space where the new shipment of beer was supposed to have been delivered. He hadn’t expected them to arrive yet, anyway. He’d learned over the years that The Phoenix Gang delivered a week late as a rule. Still, he couldn’t help but checking sometimes. They were the bar’s only suppliers ever since Johnny’s murder. He wasn’t sure of what exactly had transpired the week before, just that in one day the bar went from having ten suppliers from all around Gielinor, to having the dwarves refusing to answer his requests. Later that day he had found a letter from the Phoenix Gang on his bed. It explained that Johnny was a spy working against the king and was murdered as a safety precaution. The barman knew well enough not to delve deeper and he left it as so.
In the present, sun had already set and he made his way along the wall, lifting the lantern he’d brought above his head to illuminate his way back. Lost in his thoughts, the barman did*’t notice Dr. Marlow lounging against the bar wall until he knocked into him. Instead of becoming angry Dr. Marlow sputtered,
‘Havin’ me brew ay, that me is. I go find de new paypa’ in the square.’
The barman watched him go, as he wobbled off, fell, then muttered to himself about pie as he pulled himself back up.
For the second time in the day, the barman sighed.
Dr. Marlow was evidently drunk.
He was not looking forward to the hangover Dr. Marlow undoubtedly would have the next day, though he knew it would involve a bucket of water, and some red berry berries. He figured he would pick some the next day. He made a left at the end of the wall and looked up. Through closed curtain shades, he could see a glint of light from the mercenary’s room. He did*’t know what he was up to, and frankly, did*’t care. He’d been through enough in the past week without the mercenary getting involved in his troubles.

20-Jun-2013 20:07:45 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2013 20:13:38 by song book

song book

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The mercenary took his lantern that was atop his oak dresser, opened his door, and stepped outside, waiting for the click to be sure the door’s lock mechanism still worked. He looked at his door and saw the number 2 on it. He wondered if he should’ve written his address and name on the century old register. There were many who were looking for him. Just in case, he put a hand over the concealed sheath near his belt and enjoyed tracing the shape of his dagger. He took the stone steps two at a time, eager to get to meet with his acquaintance yet not trying to make himself look conspicuous. He passed the portraits of the barman’s family hung on the wall, and, as he had accustomed to doing, chuckled at the picture of the barman’s wife. She sure had some massive eyebrows, he thought, and as a man trekking up the stairs passed him he instinctively put a hand on his sheath. Breathing in the musty air of the stairway, he ducked under the part where the ceiling caved, and emerged into a wide room. He looked around and saw the barman behind the counter, chatting to a young lady. He snorted. You wish.
He peered at the tables and saw a motley assortment of members of the Phoenix clan talking to each other in boisterous voices. He knew the Phoenix usually came here to hang out, and they were legendary in their drinking of alcohol.
As such, there were many a beer spilled on the carved mahogany wood.
At a different table a bald man with arching eyebrows and prominent cheekbones sat, cradling in his hands a steaming mug of beer. The mercenary knew of only one who enjoyed, let alone could afford, smoking cider. He made his way over, ducking under Dr. Harlow who was swinging his arms wildly, and sat down at a low table. The other man opened his mouth to speak but the mercenary held up his hand and looked around, noticing how people shot glances in his direction. He wasn’t too worried however, since the bar was known to attract all kind of attention.

20-Jun-2013 20:08:13 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2013 20:14:11 by song book

song book

song book

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The cook was smoothing out the carpet, trying not to look too ashamed of himself, while dusting out the threaded flax.
The cook had been put off duty ever since he had forgotten about a pot of cabbage on the range and let it cook. Still that aroma permeated the bar’s air.
The mercenary was about to talk but faltered when the barman came in, trying to look cheerful like his usual self, but, as was for the past week, he failed and carried a grimace.
The mercenary and the man across from him both shared a dark look.
‘Speaking of last week, what news from about Johnny?’ The mercenary asked.
The other man reached into a satchel at his side and pulled out a scroll bound with bowstring.
The mercenary accepted it, looking questioningly at the other man.
‘It’s not good news,’ the man said.
The mercenary couldn’t help but notice how the wall lantern’s light mixed with the man’s black eyes, and, for not the first time, he was happy they were on the same side. They sat for a moment to seem casual then the man placed his mug on the table and they both stood up in their own directions; the mercenary back to the stairs, the man the door. He reached the top and passed the door with the number three on it, before striding to his door and displaying his hand so that the enchanted door would let him in.


The inhabitant of room 3 lay in his bed unable to fall asleep.
True, the bar was noisy what with the all-nighters downstairs and the mercenary in the next room.
And more, he couldn’t forget the glint of steel that he saw as he passed the mercenary. He could have sworn it was a dagger, and they were banned from the bar. He did*’t have proof however, and wasn’t enough of an idiot to confront him. He turned on his side, and reached out to catch sleep, but it had other ideas. It flew away into his nightstand and hid there until he forced it out and it drifted through the air into the corner, where it was trapped.

20-Jun-2013 20:08:57

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