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song book

song book

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The mercenary uncovered the cloth, examined the scroll in his hand, and read:
‘Johnny isn’t dead. He’s at the bar. They faked the death so he could act as a spy. The Phoenix are working with the Black Arm Gang. He knows who you are. Get to him before he gets to you.’


In his dreams, the man in number three saw the mercenary come into his room.
Johnny ignored him.
Just another weird thing at the Blue Moon Inn.
--The End--
Johnny The Beard is the person in The Shield of Arrav or quest you have to kill in order to gain access to the Phoenix gang. That should explain a lot.
There it is, my revised version! Hope it was better organized. :)

20-Jun-2013 20:10:41 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2013 21:23:12 by song book

Xereva

Xereva

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I've been decent, although there have been some ups and downs of late in maintaining my job. My boss isn't sure if he can hold me at full-time, which I absolutely need to keep my apartment and feed myself (and save for grad school) and so I'm scrambling to find other work so that I can make ends meet. But I might be able to save myself by doing photography of all the items in the store (it's a clothing / outdoor furniture place, with lots of boots and shoes) and putting them on the website.

Other than that, things have been fantastic. I've got an apartment that I love (a small pair of rooms on the upper floor of an elderly lady's house) and that I've set up to my satisfaction, I've been writing, and I'll have evenings and weekends to properly start my first work of length.

Oh, and I graduated Magna C(u)m Laude from my school, with High Honors on my thesis ( "Anthropology in an Imagined World: Life in the City of Valari" ) which ended up at 147 pages.

21-Jun-2013 02:18:30 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 02:19:09 by Xereva

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay Zmaster (as it would feel strange to call you just Despair), I'm going to give you a quick rundown of things I noticed about your revision. It won't be a full critique, since I already did one, I hope it will help.

First off, your lines still aren't space correctly. Either your paragraphs are really long, or you're doing what you did before. Your sentences are also structured about the same, short and direct, which when intentional can be a building block to a specific style but in your case should be considered more carefully.

On the whole the tone of the piece is now too direct. It's much clearer than before exactly what is happening, which I appreciate, but there's now too little subtlety, too little left to the imagination. You need to strike a balance between telling the reader enough to spark their imagination and making your intentions clear enough so that there's no unnecessary ambiguity.

I think your original piece was better at subtlety, though there were obvious problems with knowing exactly what was going on, and though you spelled out what was going on, you eliminated whatever fragile balance made the place feel like it was existing independently of your writing.

You did succeed in streamlining the piece somewhat, cleaning up redundancies and uncertainties about the flow of time. I appreciate that, but my next suggestion is to take phrases like "In the present" and eliminate them, instead finding another, less obvious way to convey the change of time. Tense alone can do a lot if you experiment, so just play around with it until you find something that works and use it in another assignment if you want critique.

Good effort, though there's still room for improvement, as ever. I appreciate your willingness to come back and revise. Next time, you can try a total re-write, though this is the last revision / rewrite I'll be grading of yours for this week. You'll just have to wait until next Wednesday. =P

21-Jun-2013 03:55:51

Chuk

Chuk

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Even from a distance, you can tell Aubury’s Rune Shop is... well, it's different. I mean, to start with, it’s well off the beaten path. It sits a bit behind the bank, on a street so narrow it’s almost an alley. And right across the way? A chaos temple, and next to that -- for anyone who knows anything about Varrock -- is the entrance to the Phoenix Gang’s headquarters. You get the picture. The Rune Shop is right at the edge of a rough part of town, even if it’s not actually part of it itself. That’s to be expected, of course. Magic itself can be a bit shady. Not quite right, some would say. Most folks don’t like it staring them too full in the face, a reminder that there’s just some stuff beyond our understanding.

That said, even if its location was more unremarkable, you’d still notice the shop straight away. Its sign drips. Constantly, and the drops aren’t water. In fact, I couldn’t tell you what they are, and I’ve stood right next to them more times than I care to count. And that sign that’s doing the dripping? It’s a rune. Not a painting -- an actual honest to goodness rune. So maybe the drops are magic, or its essence. Or maybe not. Like I said, I don’t know. But they disappear well before they hit the ground, like melting snow. Only they’re gone completely, not just changed in form. I told you the place stands out.

And then, once you get inside, you realize the outside isn’t just normal, it’s bland. Hardly even counts as a glimpse of the character of the place. The first thing you notice -- well, it’s the first thing I notice, anyway, every time I go in the place -- is that the air hums. Vibrates like a taut cord. You don’t really hear it, though. It’s not that obvious. But you feel it with your ears all the same. And then it starts to push against your skin, and your hair tries to stand on end, but it can’t. It’s sort of like the feeling that someone you can*t see is looking at you. Not exactly that, but it makes your spine prickle exactly the same.

21-Jun-2013 09:03:26 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 10:07:25 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Then there’s the man himself, the owner. Aubury. He seems pretty normal at first. That is, he’s not insane, not anything like Traiborn or Grayzag down at the Wizards’ Tower. In fact, he just wants to sell his stock. Just like any good businessman would. But he bounces. Just like the hum, it doesn’t exactly stand out. He’s not a jackrabbit or anything. I wouldn’t even call him jittery. It’s more controlled -- more contained. But there’s an intensity about it. Best way I can describe it is that he’s got a bit of that taut string vibrating inside him. And he thrives on it. Just look him in the eyes when you’re there, and you’ll see. Those are intense, focused. They’re eyes that have spent years searching out the secrets of runes, and have gone a bit mad with the effort. Only slightly, mind you, and you’ve got to watch them to see it.

The rest of the place reflects that. Pretty normal, but with just a hint of madness. There’s nothing special about the furniture, for example. It’s pretty standard: oak, probably, of good quality, like most carpenters use, but not ornate or carved at all. Some of it’s broken though, and I wouldn’t guess that it’s ‘cause someone a bit too heavy tried to sit on the table.

No, I think it has more to do with Aubury’s research, which is scattered everywhere. Or evidence of it is, anyway. Papers litter the floor, and they’re spread across the shelves, too. They’re his notes, mostly, scrawled in an illegible hand. Or it could be a cipher. It’s his secret research after all. There are books, too, on all sorts of arcane stuff. I can’t even read the titles of half of them. Those are perhaps the most obviously abnormal items in the whole shop. Certainly, they’re the most clearly magical, aside from the runes themselves. And that’s impressive, given the odd assortment of potions and ointments sitting on the very back shelf. There’s even a plate with a bit of ectoplasm on it, but all that just doesn't stand out compared to the books.

21-Jun-2013 09:04:21 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 12:40:51 by Chuk

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I once tried to pick up one of those books, actually, when Aubury had his back turned. It burned me. It wasn’t on fire or anything, and it did*’t burn the shelf or the books next to it, but it did burn me. And let me say that it was one of the normal looking books. There are some that even I’m not stupid enough to try taking. They shuffle around on their own sometimes, like something’s trying to escape. Maybe they’re just trying to get more comfortable on their shelf, but I really don’t think so. They’re waiting for an unwary hand to grab them and set them free.

Do you know what really makes the place, though? It’s the size. The shop is round, and it’s smaller than a bedroom. No wonder the air hums. All that magic crammed into such a small place is bound to come alive. The books are mere inches from poisons strong enough to melt steel, and if that broken furniture is anything to go by, they’re in danger of getting tossed together any time Aubury decides to do a bit of research. And that doesn't even account for all the runes for sale. It’s like a giant cauldron, and all the ingredients haven’t quite mixed yet. But when they do, it’ll be a show.

Let me tell you, I go in there only ‘cause it’s the best way to get rune essence. It’s a marvel, sure, but not the one for me. I don’t mind magic. I use it every day, and I carry runes around in my pouch, but that shop could be part of another plane of existence entirely. It’s something special. So if you decide to stop in there while you’re in town and something happens, don’t say I did*’t warn you. The shop’s fine when it’s sleeping, but I don’t want to be there when it wakes up.

- Fin

Welp, that was more fun than expected. Hope it's just as fun to read, and I look forward to hearing (seeing?) what you think.

21-Jun-2013 09:05:11 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2013 12:10:06 by Chuk

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Damn. I would get this right before I have to head to work. I'll grade it later tonight, when I get back, although I may have to spend a bit of time on dinner, as I've been spectacularly uncreative these past few days. I like it, though, especially the ending. Congrats for actually getting in an assignment before I expected it of you... ;)

21-Jun-2013 13:20:06

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