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Zmaster07

Zmaster07

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rolled back into her head, and she fell to the floor. Dark light flew out of her and stood beside her. Gradually it formed the silhouette of a tall man with a goatee and black eyes. Zamorak stood next to her, observing the kid with the pulsing blue light surrounding him. Zamorak hissed, and took a step back.
‘Saradomin has saved you this time. Next time I’ll come for someone closer to you. Perhaps, Panama?’
Zamorak faded into oblivion, and Josh’s consciousness gave up to the deep darkness.

28-Jan-2013 00:22:14

Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Isn't four posts, but it's the best I could do. I really need to improve my action scenes skills. Hopefully I can improve upon the work.


EDIT: First one to complete it! Woot!

28-Jan-2013 00:22:58 - Last edited on 28-Jan-2013 00:23:23 by Zmaster07

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Excellent! I read them both over, and I have a lot to say. It's fast approaching 1:00 AM presently, and I have classes and readings tomorrow, but I should find the time to critique at least one, and hopefully both, then.

Going by the edit times on the respective assignment postings, Zmaster gets first critique. Also: is there anything, other than Zmaster, that you'd like to be called?

28-Jan-2013 05:59:29

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay Zmaster, you're up. The non-dashed parts are quotes from your piece; the dashed ones are the suggestions/comments.

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"She drew up her sleeve…"

- Run-on sentence. Needs a comma.

"Josh inquired hopefully, grinning weakly."

- Too many adjectives (hopefully, weakly). It feels cluttered, and could use re-wording.

"The hint of a smile appeared at her lips."

- 'A hint of a smile appeared on her lips.'

"'I can't fight you Kate. You're a girl.'"

- This is a big cliché, and while it may fit into the work you're writing, I would advise rewriting it. This phrase has been said so many times in novels and movies and the like that it no longer holds any weight. By saying this, you're also invoking the old fallacy of women being inherently weaker, which brings up a whole slew of social justice issues I'd rather not have to address. Suffice to say that you should take out this line entirely and replace it with something else.

"…and water splashed out forming into..."

- Comma between 'out' and 'forming.'

"'Suit yourself.'"

- Unnecessary. More tension if she simply acts.

"Extending her finger, she caused the water…"

- Rather than 'extending', use 'she extended'. Also, 'she caused the water to surge forward directly toward him' is quite redundant, and you could trim down the description a good deal.

"He dived *ut of the way and…" (Whole Paragraph)

- The words clashed and lashed... well, clash in this sentence. Change one of them. When you say 'threw his hands up,' I picture him doing it defensively, rather than counterattacking. I'd also love to know where the sword came from, and why she's using it at all when she can direct water at will.

"'Fight me you coward.'"

- Comma between 'me' and 'you.'

"Holding her hands up…"

- 'She held her hands up, and...'

29-Jan-2013 04:17:57 - Last edited on 29-Jan-2013 04:18:32 by Xereva

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"He launched a volley of blasts…" (Whole Sentence)

- Rewrite this sentence. Too much is going on here, and it could be split into two sentences to maintain the quick pace. The 'narrowly missing' part is also quite clunky, and that in particular could use some editing.

"…formed into a giant serpent; mouth gaping that swallowed the water whole…"

- '...formed into a giant serpent. Its gaping mouth swallowed the water whole, and it darted toward her.'

"He laughed. He was actually having fun."

- I haven't been clear since the beginning of this piece whether the fight is serious or not. She gets burned, but because of the thumb war *omment I don't know if they're friends going a bit too far or if this is a fight between two mortal enemies. That he's having fun makes me think that they're just playing, along with her comment about 'you git!' and the comedic element of her covered and soot with frizzled hair.

"…they crashed into each other…"

- Makes it sound like 'they' is the two fighters, rather than the elements****-word. Also re-word the 'ray of light' description, as you can be more specific here.

"The force, landing awkwardly on their chests…"

- Re-write entirely. Though the pace is meant to be quick, you need to describe the effect more, and I'm hard pressed to believe that Josh is just going to shake off an intense blast like that. Also, Kate would probably be dazed rather than sleepy. The latter implies restfulness, whereas the former is meant more for a disoriented state.

"She turned towards him, her irises black."

- I'm assuming here that she has been possessed, and that's why *hey've been acting so strange toward each other. You need to reference this earlier on too, to better inform the reader of what's happening.

29-Jan-2013 04:18:49

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"She flung her arm out…" (Whole Sentence)

- Flung out? How about punched, struck, hit? Flung sounds so indirect and flailing, whereas this seems a much more direct action. How I'd write it: "She hit him in the gut. He doubled over in pain and she hit him again, this time in the groin. He hissed, and dropped to the ground, legs pressed together, eyes tight-shut, and tried to breathe."

"She stomped on the ground…"

- This isn't nearly as dramatic as it could me. It just sounds like she kicked a dirt clod onto him. Also, you spelled 'chunk' as 'chuck.'

"…he tried to breath…"

- Tried to breathe.

"I’m not going to get killed by a girl."

- Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's not dangerous. Man or woman, a weapon—a sword, a gun, or magic—can kill in the hands of both. At this point I think he'd be worried about getting killed, full stop.

"…his consciousness flew."

- Explain.

"Suddenly, a flash of white…" (Whole Sentence)

- Re-write for clarity. I get what's happening here, but it doesn't flow well.

"‘Impossible, no one knows air magic anymore.’"

- Put this on its own line. Dialogue, as a rule, should always go on its own line. Also, you have multiple moments like this in here. 'Earth magic? Impossible!' or 'Air magic? Never!' Creating tension by escalating the forces involved leads to cartoonish over-application of power in the end. A lot of anime and manga suffers badly from this. Work more with the internal lives of the characters to create tension, rather than the details of the fight.

"Around him was a blue glow…" (Whole Sentence)

- You're going to need to explain this more. Also, you use around twice in the same sentence, and it feels awkward.

"Her eyes dulled and rolled…"

- 'Her eyes went dull and...'

"…observing the kid…"

- Use a word other than 'kid.'

"'Perhaps, Panama?’"

- Who is that? You need to elaborate more to inform the reader. Also, you should probably phrase it as 'Panama, perhaps?'

29-Jan-2013 04:19:02

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Though I understand in general what's taking place in your piece, there are a number of details which need some serious clarification. For one, how did they get to the fight to begin with? What's their relationship? Why are they so special as to have both access to this kind of magic and favor from the Gods Themselves?

The biggest compliment I can give you is that your pacing was fairly consistent, mostly by virtue of your shorter sentences. This was interrupted occasionally by run-on sentences (you have a tendency to leave out commas), but on the whole it was a quick read, and that's exactly what you should aim for for your action scenes. However, that speed meant that a lot of things got left out, and most readers will probably be confused about exactly what is happening in the scene.

For one, things escalate far too fast. It seems playful, then goes from what could be a mock battle to a deadly serious fight in a few seconds. Then, all of a sudden, they're drawing on powers which aren't supposed to be available to anyone at all, and then they're POSSESSED BY THE GODS. This is a frankly ridiculous thing to happen, and though I admit it's mostly my personal preference that keeps me from enjoying it I still believe that your work would be much more effective if it focused more on the internal lives of the characters rather than the way that they fight.

In the future, remember that the number and variety of attacks is not what makes an action scene great. A scene could be written wherein they can use one water spell time and again, but if the reader is made to care about the characters it will be on the whole a much better read. What you've written isn't bad, but I'd recommend a full re-write with your characters held more firmly in mind and far fewer attacks. You'll make progress fast.

Also: put spaces between your lines! It makes your work much easier to read, and means much less work for me when I copy and paste it into Word to take notes.

29-Jan-2013 04:19:09 - Last edited on 29-Jan-2013 04:29:09 by Xereva

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