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Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Relationship with Friends:
Most people mock him
– Key Enemies:
That would be his father
– Relationship with Enemies:
Wishes nothing more than to do what his father did to him back to him
– Educational History:
He grew up learning about the responsibilities of being a shamen, since once his father died he would be elected shamen He secretly read to himself stories about adventurers in the desert and how to survive
– Work History:
His job is to make sure everything around and inside his father’s tent is perfectly neat
– Skills:
Very clever and good at sticking clues together Has an uncanny knack of feeling when something is about to go wrong.
– Phobias / Fears:
He fears that his father doesn’t love him and more than that, he fears the kalphites he read about in his books.
– Bad Habits / Vices:
He speaks back to his father when he orders him around, and gets smacked heavily each time
– Quirks:
When he gets nervous he starts rubbing his glasses with a sheet of wool
Walks around lightly barely touching the ground/very sneaky- Scars
Has a scar on his forearm where the kalphite bit him
– Best Qualities:
Clever Hardened on the outside but still feels on the inside Cares for victims
Adventurous
– Worst Qualities:
Tends to not give others respect when he feels they are being stupid

20-Jan-2013 01:08:53

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Key Childhood Experiences:
When he was a child his mom left him and his dad with just the responsibility of carrying on being the shamen family, and a baby that was Ender. Since his mom’s dad had been shamen at the time, and he hadn’t had any sons, he was going to have to give the role of shamen to someone. He certainly would have chosen of the warriors that protected the camp Instead he chose the son-in-law, his only remnant of his daughter after she left.
– Key Teenage Experiences:
He once found a pair of boot tracks heading into the storage tent. He went inside and found a bedabin sneaking around in the bandit’s loot. He found an empty bottle of whiskey and beat the bedabin who had a sword with a flourish stab and sent the guy howling back north. His father didn’t believe the story he told.
– Key Adult Experiences:
When he was stuck in his dad’s tent he was bitten furiously by a kalphite and managed to subdue the creature whilst stabbing at it furiously and thought he would finally earn some credit from his father but his father denied the fact that kalphites existed to the tribe and he earned nothing except a harsh scolding
– Relationship Background:
A plus of the enslavement was that maidens came and went with drinks and food and because he was the son of the shamen he enjoyed such benefits The women were quite attractive but they only liked him for his status as a shamen’s son
– Favorites:
A tall blonde whom visited him much but he discovered she was using him to get to his father and he dismissed her
When on a rare occasion his father smiles at him he brightens
His wish is to be accepted by his father as someone who has potential

20-Jan-2013 01:09:16

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Alright Yam, your turn. And yes, Xen is preferred, if you wouldn't mind.

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Clothing Styles

- This is well done, but I'm nonetheless curious about his armor, seeing as he's a guard member. Details on his weapons (you list his preferred ones, but not what he generally wields) would also be nice.

Jewelry

- This section is well done too. You not only provide details on what he wears, but why he does / does not. Getting into the character's head very useful in the course of character-building, and I'm glad you've seen the value in it.

Tattoos

- Amusing, and insightful. Giving the whole bio a more humorous / colloquial tone also helps to establish the character and the type of story in which he will be used.

Relationship with Family

- I'm a bit too cynical to believe that an entire family can be so tight-knit that it is entirely wonderful to be a part of it, but I'll let that slide. Nonetheless, some more specific details on his family history would be useful, following in the vein of the two bits regarding his uncle and Florina. It's a good start, but 200-300 words on the subject is ideal. Family background plays a very large role in almost everyone's life, and from the bit you have it sounds like his own family has made quite an impression on his character.

Relationship with Friends

- This section is better than the one on Relationship with Family, but I would still include some details as to how Yalthus met and befriended these individuals. Imagine that you're telling a miniature story in each section, just a vignette or three from their lives.

Relationship with Enemies

- Go into detail here. Why are they rivals? What do they do to him, if anything, especially if he's oblivious? Same to Falomir.

20-Jan-2013 01:09:48

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Work History

- This bit of history is intriguing and fits well in this section, but are there any other small, nearly meaningless jobs that he's had which have contributed to his current self? If you've worked yourself, think of all the work you've done in the past. Go into detail. Not overmuch, just a sentence or two on the more significant bits—but more.

Phobias / Fears

- Same comment as to Azi: he has to have more than one. They don't have to be as obvious as 'fear of [beast], [situation].' Think of what would devastate him if it happened. Being pulled out of the guard for his religion, or mistreated for the same? Failing with women? They don't have to be completely crippling fears by any means.

Bad Habits / Vices

- He really doesn't have anything else? Are there any drinks, alcoholic or caffeinated, that he imbibes to excess? Does he hoard money, or spend it unwisely?

Best Qualities

- The 'horrible state of some people' that you describe here seems like it should feature in some other areas of your bio, considering the impact it seems to have had on his overall character. Think of including that in a revision, or keep it in mind for other bios.

Key Childhood Experiences

- Good start, but I would include more experiences. Use about the same amount of detail for each: the event, its placement in his life, and its significance.

Key Teenage / Adult Experiences

- I would expand on these excerpts more, and (as with Childhood Experiences) add others.

Favorites

- Add more.

Goals

- This is well thought out, but are there some more private goals that he also has, or aims beyond merely becoming knight-errant?

20-Jan-2013 01:10:12

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Final Thoughts

- You've done a great job on this assignment, and pretty much all of my suggestions are related to expanding on what work you've already done. You have the right idea, and you're not afraid to go into detail where it's necessary. You have a refreshingly humorous voice, which is unusual in my experience with most writers on the forums, and it makes your writing very easy and enjoyable to read. Your character reads as a bit of a caricature as a result, but I think that's more due to a difference in style than to any flaws in your writing.

You have a tendency to paint Yalthus' emotions and motivations in rather broad strokes, and I would encourage you to develop them a bit more, adding more complexity in order to make him more realistic—that is, if you want him in a realistic story. I tend to over-emphasize the realism of my characters, so take all this with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, a couple darker elements to his life would help to make him more relatable (since at the moment he is almost worryingly cheerful) and some more bits of his history will help you to predict how he reacts to new situations.

That, in the end, is what this exercise is about: allowing you to build up a character to the point where he or she exists in your head as a living, breathing person. That way you don't have to plan what a character would do in any given situation. You hold them in your head and let them loose, and they take it from there. When you get to a certain point, it's like you're discovering your own story rather than actively creating it. It's quite fun, if I do say so myself.

I don't, however, recommend writing bios for main characters. If their journey is the main point of the story, summarizing it too succinctly can limit the possibility for tangent encounters and other interesting variations. But that's mostly my preference. If you find that it helps you, go right ahead.

Great job. I look forward to having you back next week.

20-Jan-2013 01:10:22 - Last edited on 20-Jan-2013 01:23:55 by Xereva

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Goals:
To prove to his father he can do something other than hide from danger
– Morality / Ethics:
– He believes that people should be able to make their own choices and not be told what to do if they have a lot to offer

– Style of Speech:

He speaks like an average Joe putting in things deviously because of his clever mindset.

20-Jan-2013 01:10:31

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Hope that was ok

20-Jan-2013 01:10:42

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Okay Zmaster, your turn.

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Residence

- The assignment was to create a guard from Varrock. Read the details more carefully next time. Also, the word for one who communes with spirits is 'shaman,' not 'shamen.' I recommend using a word processor with a Spellcheck function.

Clothing Styles

- Wearing sheepskin in a desert is a bad idea, even if it's water-absorbent. The idea of desert clothing is to be light, sun-reflective, and breathable—and sheepskin is none of these. Wearing it would actually cause the wearer to become hotter faster, leading to dehydration. I would also recommend adding some punctuation to prevent run-on sentences, mostly periods.

Skin Color

- He is kept in the tent every day? For how long? Years? If this character is descended from those of the desert, it's quite hard to turn that naturally darker skin color into anything approaching pale. Watch your run-on sentences here.

Hair Length

- While the actual hair length is fine, your description of it is a bit overwrought.

Jewelry

- A diamond bracelet is rather a lot for someone in the middle of the desert. How did his mother come by it? Why did she give it away? Does he wear it often, or only on special occasions?

General Appearance

- General Appearance is one of the most important sections of a bio, and you need to spend more time on it. How does he carry himself? How do others see him? Is he clean? Are his clothes clean? Is he shy, outgoing, or somewhere in between?

Relationship with Family

- You need to expand this much more. MUCH more. You have three sentences (although there are no periods) to explain what sounds like an immensely fraught and complex relationship with his father. Talk about the kind of experiences he had with his father. What are the father's expectations of him? Does he want to meet them, or defy them? How do they differ? How are they similar? The list goes on and on.

20-Jan-2013 02:26:41

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Key Friends

- Entirely alone? Unless he's entirely isolated, I highly doubt this. Not to mention there would be a large amount of prestige attached to being so close to a shaman, and people would probably talk to him in order to get insights into the spirits. Shamans are traditionally pillars of the community, revered and respected.

Relationship with Friends

- WHY? Needs much more detail and explanation.

Relationship with Enemies

- More detail. What did his father do? Why does he want revenge? What exactly does he PLAN to do?

Educational History

- Typically one would be taught how to survive as a matter of course in the middle of an inhospitable desert. Needs more detail.

Work History

- Needs more detail. What small jobs did he have other than this? What did he do around the camp? Does he have any other responsibilities?

Skills

- This is a bit of a technicality, but how does he have that knack when in your own words he's barely been out of the tent? Is this supernatural ability, or something innate and unrelated to experience? What OTHER skills does he have? (Survival, writing, drawing, etc.)

Bad Habits

- Is this really a bad habit? What other habits does he have? Does he fidget, bite his nails, obsess over tiny details (OCD), etc.

Quirks

- This is an alright start, but is there anything more significant?

Best Qualities

- Needs more detail. When you say victims, do you mean for victims of outside harm or victims of his own cruelty? What exactly do you mean by clever? How intelligent is he, and *** did he get that way? Very cliché description here—I would recommend a complete re-write.

Worst Qualities

- Needs more detail. Include more and add more to what you have.

Key Childhood Experiences

- Confusing wording; I would re-write this entirely. Add several more experiences, Ender's reactions to those experiences, and punctuation.

20-Jan-2013 02:28:11

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Key Teenage Experiences

- Much more detail, and add more experiences, same as the last section. Why didn't his father believe the story? Couldn't he prove it? Was this his first experience fighting? What impact did it have on him?

Key Adult Experiences

- Apart from the lack of detail and variety in this section... deny the existence of Kalphites? The deadliest creatures in the desert, likely spread all across the land, and famous to the edges of the earth? Re-write.

Relationship Background

- In the Key Friends section you list no friends, and say that everyone dislikes him. And yet there are women here who like him because he is the shaman's son****-write. Use punctuation. And try to develop his relationship with at least one of the people who comes into the tent.

Favorites

- He has to have something else that's his favorite. Performing a ritual, a book, a place outside his tent... not just a woman and his father's approval.

Goals

- Again, there has to be more motivation to this character beyond his father's approval. Include more.

Style of Speech

- Unclear****-word, and don't use average Joe next time. What exactly do you mean by 'clever mindset?' Or, for that matter, 'deviously?'

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Right now, you're at an extremely basic level. I would recommend starting fresh with the same character and putting in a LOT more detail. Explore the character's origins, history, motivations, and appearance until you can see Ender walking around in your head. Liven him up. Give him more people to interact with.

Also, you need to work on your sentence structure and punctuation. You consistently omit periods, and almost all of your sentences are run-ons. There are clichés scattered everywhere. Good ideas are underneath it all, but you need to write in much more detail in order to expose them.

Good attempt. Give it another shot, and it will turn out much better. I guarantee it.

20-Jan-2013 02:32:12 - Last edited on 20-Jan-2013 02:36:34 by Xereva

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