I finished reading. As others have said, it is suspenseful and intriguing. I did have a few attention span problems, and that is probably due to the repeated use of declarative sentences. It'd be great with more varied sentence structure. Develop the plot more, and you certainly have a story worth reading.
Some of the errors I caught:
"The crew from the pirate ship, Pyro, was desperately trying to >fight back< the royal navy." You just used "fight back" in the previous paragraph. post 1, intro
"They had been chased for almost two weeks by the Vanquisher and were almost away before they were caught in a hellish hurricane." Somewhat awkward; perhaps "...and had almost escaped before their efforts were swept away by a hellish hurricane." post 1, intro
"His face was young but battle scarred and rugged and he had slightly wild black hair which hung out from a large brown hat, and on his side was a long, thin rapier made out of very fine steel." This sentence is too long; too many and's. post 1, chapter 1
"'Had his friend not come like he said he would? Had something happened to him?' He thought to himself..." Why does he think of himself in third person ("...his friend...'')? post 1, chapter 1
"Questions rushed into >Jorans< head..." Copy/paste punctuation glitch. post 2, chapter 1
"As he made the >colossal< effort to get up, he found himself chained to a wall." Would he be able to make a "colossal" effort when he's in so much pain from his bruises and such? post 4, chapter 1
"at the >mans< side." Copy/paste punctuation glitch. post 4, chapter 1
"Their faces were covered by black face masks, making only their eyes visible." I'd say you should just put "black masks." "...faces covered by black face masks..." seems redundant. post 5, chapter 1
"His chiseled face seemed to be like that of a Gods..." The apostrophe didn't paste in "God's"; also, this is the third time you've used a "God" simile. post 6, chapter 1
30-Dec-2007 04:32:54
