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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
''Uvedin, it has been too long. After you betrayed me and tried to steal the map, I thought you had been captured and executed. I'm impressed that you escaped the Imperial Prison and managed to find me. Care to explain how you did it?'' Joran said, slightly playfully, to mask the fear he really had.

''It is a long story and of little importance. What matters now, however, is that ye hand me the map. And if ye don't have it in your possession, ye shall be telling us where it is. If you don't..." Uvedin said, as he looked down at a large, jagged knife that he held in his hand. "Then I shall cut off each of yer fingers, then yer hands, and then proceed to yer ears. If ye still fail to tell me where it be, I shall cut off your nose, and then I shall tear out your eyes. Are we clear?''

Joran nodded, dismayed by how desperate this man was for the map. He did not understand how a sunken shipwreck could be all that important.

08-Dec-2007 20:54:50 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2008 02:01:48 by Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thinking silently to himself, Joran debated on how to escape this situation. He didn't have the map, he had hidden it on an island adjacent to the one he and Uvedin had found it on. He could tell him that, but Joran made the assumption that that would lead to his untimely death. He could, however, lie. Telling Uvedin that it was somewhere else could possibly let him get to land safely and escape; but, if he were caught lying, there would be dire consequences.

''I do not have the map. It is on the island of Imorlen, roughly three miles north east of the Crandorian Keys,'' Joran said in a tone with the slightest hint of despair. It was quite a large lie, as he had never even once been to Imorlen. However, it was the closest place he could think of to a free port.

''Imorlen you say? For yer sake I hope ye're wrong, because most of the island is overrun by them tribesmen,'' Uvedin replied in a low tone. He closed his eyes and sighed audibly. ''Very well. Set course for Imorlen. If he tries anything, cut off one of his toes and make him eat it.''

Joran hoped that he would be able to escape once he got to the island. These men he could take. However, pirates AND cannibalistic natives could make matters somewhat worse.

~End of Chapter One~

08-Dec-2007 22:14:50 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2008 02:09:05 by Slay Orc 681

GurnGoggles
Mar Member 2019

GurnGoggles

Posts: 46 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
i got bio

name: jake speedy

profession:temple knight

race:elf

what could he bring 2 story? save the joran while he is on island and about to get eaten by cannibals?

YaY me did first BIO! :D

09-Dec-2007 00:07:48 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2007 00:08:10 by GurnGoggles

Denied Drunk

Denied Drunk

Posts: 2,404 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, in this story, I found some errors I thought were errors, but that's obviously how Guard's country spells words (my country spells the words differently) About the manoeuvre one, I've never heard of that spelling, so sorry :|

In this story, there is alot of emotions showed, which makes the story more appealing than ones with no emotions showed. This is probably why lots of people like your story.

You have describes each person differently, by using different words for each character and also by using different emotions for them. This is very good, and I hope you finish the rest of the story.

You've used a lot of talking in this, which makes it good also, as it isn't only about describing flowers and such. So far, I really enjoy this, mainly because of the balance of emotions, talking and descriptions.

This story is very original, and different to most other stories and it's not everyday you see a pirate story is it? Usually all you see is noob stories :P so this is a good change.

I think you have done really well with this story, and you have put alot of effort into it. I have given you:

•100% for spelling and grammar
•88% in emotions
•96% in descriptions
•88% in use of voice
•96% in plot
•100% in originality <--- Well done!

So as an average overall percentage, you have got 94.6%.

Well done, Guard.

Can't wait until that second chapter! Your length of sentences and paragraphs and chapters is outstanding, as you have used lots of different lengths.

Yours,

Micky

09-Dec-2007 00:28:35 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2007 02:43:23 by Denied Drunk

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks Micky. :)

One thing though, on that first error with Pyro being swallowed, it can go either way. I just chose to do it that way. And thanks for the non-combined words. Those are usually the only mistakes I make. :P (Even though technically it's not a grammar mistake)

Edit: Also, maneuver is right. I don't know where you got manoevre or whatever it is you said. O_o

09-Dec-2007 02:26:36 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2007 02:43:25 by Slay Orc 681

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