Plot [35/40]: You have a nice little plot going. It's original; you don't see pirate stories too often. But also, remember that even if it is a different topic, your story could take a turn for the cliché, if you're not careful. Ideas, morals, and paths carry through many genres of stories. This has the potential to go either way. Make sure it goes unpredictably.
You use suspense quite well at the end of the last add. That final piece is probably the best single post of your entire story as it contains great description and great suspense, as well as other things. The reader can tell that something extraordinary is about to happen. They can guess as to what that is, but they don't know.
This is a good introduction to a good story. You have set the scene using flashbacks in time. This is a neat element that creates an interesting read. You almost have two stories evolving at the same time. I cant wait to see exactly how they coincide.
Keep up the good work.
Miscellaneous [18/20]: There are a few places where the meaning of your words becomes hard to follow. I commented on them awhile back when I first read this story. Here's another example:
"And so ended the legacy of the last true pirate, Blackhand, who had burned cities, destroyed entire fleets, and had managed to escape death hundreds of times." - - There's not truly anything wrong with this, I don't think, yet it doesn't read quite right. Try reordering this or breaking it up into more than one sentence to fix it.
Other than that complaint, I have nothing else. So far you are quite original. Well Done.
Total [179/220] :: 81.4% :: This was a great read. I have outlined some things to work on to improve; try them out. Experiment with new ways of describing things and new sentence structures in the same place. Occasionally try writing the same sentence three or four different ways and see which one sounds the best before making it final. Hopefully, I have given you some help.
29-Dec-2007 09:23:46
- Last edited on
29-Dec-2007 09:39:08
by
Chuk
