"If you don't Uvedin said, as he looked down at a large, jagged knife that he held in his hand. Then I shall cut off each of yer fingers, then yer hands, and then proceed to yer ears." - - You need to close the quotes before Uvedin said and then pick them back up again after hand. There should be a comma after hand, preceding the quotes, instead of a period.
There are a couple other quotation errors, as well. I am sure you simply overlooked them in your proofreading.
Description [37/40]: You had nice description, for the most part. I could picture the battle in the Prologue particularly well.
I also like the description at the start of Chapter Two.
"The sea was almost as black as the sky itself, and the moon remained hidden behind dark, unforgiving clouds." - - Yes! Very well done here. I love the description of 'unforgiving clouds' hiding the moon. It makes the scene very real to me.
I love the description of the dripping blood and water. Eek!
I think the first description of Blackhand could be improved, however.
"He had a rugged face covered in scars and had long messy black hair and wore a large dark brown pirate hat." - - This just sounds awkward; it's running on a little too much. With a little rearranging it seems, to me, to become more readable. For example:
"Long messy black hair, covered by a dark brown pirate hat, framed his rugged scar-covered face." - - I think this reads better.
There are a few other places where rearranging the sentences like I did with the one above would help greatly.
Characters [35/40]: You've developed the characters well. Joran is obviously somewhat hasty and hot-tempered and Uvedin is ruthless and cruel. We know that they are both pirates. However, they seem somewhat overly educated for their characters. Make sure you keep them like a real person.
You fixed this in Uvedin to some extent since my first reading, but maybe not enough. If they are highly educated, they probably would not be pirates.
29-Dec-2007 09:20:23
- Last edited on
29-Dec-2007 09:32:44
by
Chuk
