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Yrolg

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“Three years had past since the first occurrence…”
Note that “past* should read “passed.*. Past is a portion of a timeline; passed is the past ( O_o

) tense of the verb “to pass”. Passed means that the subject has gone by, moved past, gone away, undergone transfer, or rendered judgment.
“… in which a frightening message was inscripted in blood…”
I dislike the word “inscripted”. To me, it always seems to mean of conscripted than inscribed. I suggest instead using “inscribed”.
“… of the then eight year old Tristan Tele’s bedroom wall.”
Hyphens are needed here: “eight-year-old”.

“disembodied eye sockets, that would vanish the instant a parent arrived to inspect.”
The word ‘that’ is often used incorrectly. It is to be used in order to specify which of a group is the subject or to identify the subject period. When used after a comma, however, it should be replaced by “which”. ‘That’ is more specific, and, if used, does not require a comma, being tangential in nature.

“hastening away like rabbits do upon sighting the fox.”
I suggest altering this to read as follows:
“hastening away as rabbits do upon sighting a fox.”
The word “like” is very colloquial and should be used with the utmost rarity. It degrades your piece. Additionally, “the” defines the object as singular, definite and permanent; “a” allows the reader to imagine any scenario rather than the scenario provided.
“the first leaf of it's kind, red and crisp, fluttered off the branch and drifted downwards”
As mentioned above, “its” does not require the ‘s identified with possession. Also, rethink this sentence. It is rather long and prolixious. Excess description gets us nowhere but bored.

“Accompanying her, scattered around the grand, old tree were her best and only friends.”
You should read the following, as it is one of the most commonly committed mistakes in writing, and is, as well, perhaps the most unforgivable. The following is a quote from “The Elements of Style”.

13-Apr-2009 17:34:41

Yrolg

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“3. Enclose parenthetic expression between commas.”
“This rule is difficult to apply; it is frequently hard to decide whether a single word, such as however, or a brief phrase, is or is not parenthetic. If the interruption to the flow of the sentence is but slight, the writer may safely omit the commas. But whether the interruption be slight or considerable, he must never omit one comma and leave the other. Such punctuation as
Marjorie’s husband, Colonel Nelson paid us a visit yesterday,
or
My brother you will be pleased to hear, is now in perfect health,
IS INDEFENSIBLE.”
As a characteristic of your writing, I have noticed excessive usage of commas. You prefer to include as many points into a sentence as possible before bringing forth the full-stop. I suggest against this. One side-effect of this manner of writing is that parenthetical expressions are very much present in your piece. You, however, commit the errors defined as indefensible.
Fix this.

“Jaden Cole lay at the base of the trunk, hands behind his head and eyes closed in a state of drowsiness.”
This is prolix. Remove “state of”; it is unnecessary and is depletory of the sentence’s flow and impact.
“(though not as small as Veronica)”
Your repetition of “though” is inhibitive of flow.
“Veronica sat beside him, plucking the leaf from her smooth, well combed brown hair.”
There should be a hyphen in “well combed”, so as to read “well-combed”. Additionally, brown is an adjective describing hair. You therefore have a list of three or more items. You should add “, and” before “brown”. This is harsh on the flow, so I suggest removing one of the descriptive adjectives for now. Include it later.

13-Apr-2009 17:34:58

Yrolg

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“Veronica was small, as petite as she was three years ago, hardly growing at all. “
This is very redundant. I suggest removing the last clause, “, hardly growing at all”.
“The other five members of the group lounged around the base of the tree as Jaden and Veronica were doing,”
I dislike “as Jaden and Veronica were doing”. It is the passive voice, it is redundant, and it is prolixious. These are three bad qualities, so I suggest fixing it.
“long dead and detatched from the yew tree above her. “
As this is common sense, part of this is prolixious. If the stick was dead, it was obviously detached from the tree above Natalie. Furthermore, of course it came from the yew tree above her. It is irrelevant to note this; unless it had come from elsewhere or had a deeper meaning (which it doesn’t), you needn’t describe this twig with such detail.
You have considerable trouble with describing unnecessary details. Whilst description is a great quality in writing, readers really don’t care if the cloud way out in the distance was cirrus, with a slight pink hue. Unless it’s relevant, they don’t care. This is a quality that could really be worked on: it could help drastically with your run-on issue.
“Natalie was in a long sleeved, lime green, woolen jumper, an orange, knee length skirt warming her legs.”
First: you need a conjunction when listing three or more items: “long-sleeved, lime green and woolen jumper.”. I doubt this is what you intended, so remove the comma before woolen.
Second: when listing items with commas in the items, separate each item with a semicolon:
“Natalie was in a long-sleeved, lime green woolen jumper; an orange, knee-length skirt, which warmed her legs; with blue-rimmed spectacles that she lifted up whenever she was drawing.”
If you will not connect these sentences, remove the semicolon and instead place first the word “and” and second a period.

13-Apr-2009 17:35:16

Yrolg

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“to formulate superior artworks”
Formulate is an awkward word. It should not be used to describe creating artwork: formulate is a derivate of “to form”. This is awkward insinuation to the reader.

“Robert draped himself in an overly large grey jacket, opened revealing his white button up top below,”
The first error is that you do not appropriately address the flow of the sentence after your first comma. The second is that you, again, forgot hyphens. The following is how I would improve the sentence:
“Robert draped himself in an overly large gray jacket whose opening revealed the white button-up top he wore underneath.”
“But only while the sun was up they lived in halycon peace…”
My first thought is that this doesn’t sound quite right: the sentence could end as a fragment, a period after up. Being the tradition of writers to end sentences as soon as possible, I, and most readers, put the emphasis on this. Yet the sentence does not end here; you instead move onwards, explaining, as is your habit, a bit too much into the sentence.
My second thought was that you misspelled halcyon as “halycon".
“But only while the sun…”, “Because as the dusk”, “For something would lurk”
These are three consecutive sentences within your piece. They all begin with a conjunction. Having watched the movie “Finding Forrester” a few weeks ago, I will paraphrase for you one of the rules correctly stated therein:
You must not ever begin a sentence with a conjunction, regardless of any other rule;
Unless beginning the sentence with a conjunction will provide much-needed emphasis to the piece, in which case the rule may be broken sparingly.
You break this rule countless times in your piece. It is what destroyed some major aspects of structure for you. My attached analysis of your story and style should explain this further.

13-Apr-2009 17:35:30

Yrolg

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“Come nightfall the something would arrive”
This is something that you’re rather terrible with: this is another expression where you forget a comma. When expressions begin the sentence, you obviously remove the comma before the expression, but you do not remove the comma following it:
“Indeed, it would seem that April is a busy month.”
“When it came time for practise, he would be ready.”
“Come nightfall, the something would arrive…”
I also have an issue with the attempt at vagueness here. Using “the something” is, to my mind, wrong. Either define it or don’t include it. Definition can be as simple as “the monster would reappear” or “the cause of this agony” or, my personal favourite, “it”.

“Living a life no one should ever have to”
You have a habit of ending scenes with these one-line paragraphs. The first, in the prologue, did*’t work, and neither did this one. This is another case of
“The End.
Tricked ya’!”

“He continued.
"I'm terrified. I want this to end, don't you?" “
Remove the space in between the narrative and the dialogue. As you are introducing the quote, it is appropriate to have the two together.

13-Apr-2009 17:35:50

Yrolg

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“The town of Edgeville is comprised of only twenty-five houses along with a general store and the bank. The bank and general store and at the east and north end of the town respectively, with five houses surrounding the both of them with the Tele brothers' house south of the bank. The other homes, situated in the west, make up four rows of five.
Georgia's house is the third in the front row from south to north. Robert's is directly behind hers. Natalie lives two doors down from him. Veronica and Jaden both live in the last row next door to each other, Jaden in the first home and Veronica in the second. “
If Mary and Johnny are approaching the left house at the farthest row from opposite sides, and Mary’s pace is one step quicker than Johnny’*, but Johnny is eight feet closer, what is the cosine of the pace of the person reaching the house first?
This really does sound like a math problem. It is far too much flat-out description, with zero emotion and absolutely no action. You should interrupt your description of the layout to comment on the houses. This would also be a great time for a history lesson, if you wanted.

“lying on her bed was by her own judgement the optimum place to do so.”
Judgment is the correct spelling.
“neatly did away with her footwear, leapt upon her bed and gazed at the ceiling.”
I would use “leaped” instead of “leapt”. To me, this latter should sound as “lept”, and it implies a different form of the verb. Though correct in usage, I prefer using less-ambiguous verb forms.

13-Apr-2009 17:36:16

Yrolg

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“Natalie pointed to the roseate sky.”
Now, as a connoisseur of advanced lexicons, I must beseech that you rescind usage of these verbosities when not appropriate.
There is a time and place for everything. If you wish to use advanced lexicon, I really applaud you for this, but please make sure that you are using it in the right way. This is a fairly simple sentence, and is really awkward when, out of the blue, you provide a non-simple word. Create a situation in which advanced vocabulary will benefit you instead of subtracting from your piece’s value.
I also find it ironic that roseate can also mean optimistic. =)

“. She didn't to be told what it was about. “
You are missing a predicate in this sentence.

“as if she was a powered-down robot.”
Please remember to keep setting in mind when describing. This is set in RuneScape, which is a game whose time-period is roughly the middle-ages. There were no robots in this time-period. Using a robot as a method of description simply takes away from the world you are creating. You want the reader to be able to escape the real world and enter your world, but when you bring things from the real world into play, it takes away from the bubble-experience.

“(c)"Th-the Wilderness!?"”
Please don’t use the (c) or <censor> in this story. I realize that you want your message to get across, but firstly, it is against the rules (though I doubt any moderator is petty enough to remotely care =P), and secondly it, similar to the above quote, hurts the overall experience.

13-Apr-2009 17:36:35

Yrolg

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“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, however a careless adventurer had hacked one of them for firewood long ago. She could also see the trapdoor through the decrepit structure, that lead down into Edgeville'* dungeon. “
Allow for me to identify errors in this paragraph.
*Used to be”
Don’t use this phrase, as it is oftentimes incorrectly used. *Used to” is a phrase which is used to indicate a former practice. Being isn’t a practice, I’m afraid.

“at a time long ago”
This is prolixious and rather vague. Why is this phrase necessary at all? *used to” already shows that this was in the past.
“however”
This word is very often misused. As a caution, I will state that you should never begin a sentence with “however” unless it is being used as “in whatever way” or “to whatever extent”. When used as it is most commonly seen as “nevertheless”, you should never begin a sentence with it. Additionally, replacing this word with its definition in the above quoted paragraph doesn’t make sense;
“There used to be two trees at a time long ago, another at the south, nevertheless a careless adventurer…”
Lastly, the comma before “that” isn’t necessary. “That lead down into Edgeville** dungeon” doesn’t comply with any phrase requisite of a comma.
“courage to even set one foot into the grievous dungeon. “
Please trust me when I say that you should never split an infinitive unless absolutely necessary. Many authors and editors keep the practice of not ever allowing a person to ever split (=P!) an infinitive. I say that it is alright as long as you’re willing to prove to me that it won’t work any other way.
In case you don’t know, an infinite is the basic verb form. To walk, to pray, to split, to set are all infinitives. Splitting it refers to placing anything between the “to” and the verb. A famous case is Star Trek’s “To boldly go”.

13-Apr-2009 17:36:56

Yrolg

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“"Hiiiiiii Veronica!" chirped the girl in variegated clothing”
“Hiiiiiii” is just obnoxious to me. “Hi” is perfectly fine, if all the girl is doing is chirping. Chirps are short squeeks, not long, drawn out calls. Were the girl to be drawing out the call, it should still be represented only by “Hiii Veronica!” the girl drawled.”

““"Omigosh! What's wrong with Veronica!?"”
Firstly, there are too many quotation marks before “Omigosh”. Secondly, “Omigosh* isn’t a word, and should not ever be used.
“Is that why we're you needed us Robert!?" “
There is an error: “we’re” isn’t needed.

“She replied courtly and with no visible expression at all.”
I believe that you mean “curtly”.

“The still bleeding girl just smiled and agreed.**
I don’t understand why there is a quotation mark after “agreed”.
“"Lalala~" sang the girl sitting above Robert.”
I do not understand why you included a tilde.
“Georgia got up, reacting to the situation any displays of panic, as Robert had.”
This sentence is… very vague and grammatically incorrect. I do not understand the inclosure of *any displays of panic”.
“and within was it contained.”
Within was contained… what? What did the church contain?

“and certiantly the only kind to be able to unlock the entrance to Edgeville dungeon.”
I believe that you mean “certainly”.

13-Apr-2009 17:37:13

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Without word nor hesitance, she bolted through the gate, leaving Robert and Edward no choice but to follow their light source. “
Nor is a very often misused and misunderstood word. It has several grammatically correct uses which should be evaded. While the negative form of the word “or”, it should not be thrown into just any negative phrase. Some prefer that it is used only with the word “neither” as in
Neither Susan nor Robbie wanted to read the story,
but I prefer that it is used only when it fits correctly into the flow. I allow for it to be used with the word “not* as well.
Without, however, does not allow for usage of “nor*.

*Georgia ceased her violent attack on the door to address him.”
Is it a door or is it a gate?
“candle only igniting the area so much”
To ignite is to set on fire. I believe that a better word choice would be “illuminating”.

“And gasped fearfully.”
I don’t mind having a few sentences start with a conjunction, as I stated above, but I do mind, however, is this sentence: it doesn’t make sense whatsoever on its own. Who gasped? I can assume that it was Georgia, but this requires time away from the story thinking: wasted time that a reader won’* want to spend. Why is it the beginning of a new paragraph? The first sentence in a paragraph should be the topic sentence. Firstly, this isn’t a sentence, and secondly, this doesn’t have a topic. =|

“an contest of archery, Robert would stand no chance. “
I believe you know the rules concerning the usage of “an” over “a”. Directly before a vowel only.

“with two pathways one north, one south. “
Here is a prime example of where complex punctuation should be used, but isn’t. A colon should be included before “one north”, and the comma should be removed after this, and, in its place, the word “and” included.

13-Apr-2009 17:37:37

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