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Yrolg

Yrolg

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“dived to the ground and were up again in a flash”
Instead of “dived”, I would use “dove”. This is a situation similar to “quit” versus “quitted”; it simply sounds better to use “dove”.
“They'd escaped, alive.”
Replace this with either
“They’d escaped…alive”
or
“They’d escaped. Alive.”

“if it was really him he saw.”
I believe that you mean “she saw”.
“leaving them be as they did them.”
Pronouns only go so far, my friend. This is utterly confusing. Replace one (OR MORE) of these pronouns, please!
“leaving the beasts alone just as the beasts did the group.”
“"Definately,"”
I believe that you mean “definitely”.
“Georgia came away from the shelves with nought but a few rusted tools and rotten food products. “
I believe that you mean naught.

“Robert did so and the door opened without fascination. “
I fail to see the relevance of “without fascination”. If the door opened and nothing special happened, the reader can figure this out when you abstain from stating that anything happened. You don’t need to explicitly write out that nothing happened unless this is utterly relevant.

“What-what in Saradromin's name...?”
I believe that you mean “Saradomin’s name”.
“once Edward and Tristan's house”
This means that the house was once the actual person Edward, and belonged to Tristan… Tristan owned Edward, who turned into a house. O_o
When showing possession, you need to include the ‘s after each article:
“once Edward’s and Tristan’s house.*

*"It looks so pitiful..." thought Jaden,”
Be consistent, please. You earlier showed thoughts by a single apostrophe on each side of the thought. Do so here, as well.

13-Apr-2009 17:38:19

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Jaden roared with irritation and shoved Georgia off of him, ignoring the girl's interrogation and set about pulling her hair as hard as he could. The two rolled around the blemished ground, soaking themselves in the gore around them as they fought, Jaden in infuriation and Georgia because she felt like it. “
This is random, unprecedented, and without instigation. To me it felt a bit unreal. I would suggest scaling back the exaggeration.
“While the kids and their family's had been severely underfunded,”
There need be no apostrophe in “family’s”.

“Robert had planned on waking her,”
I would instead say
“Robert had planned to wake her”.

13-Apr-2009 17:38:34

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The following is your rubric for “Agony”.
Literary Tools: 107/150
--Description: 25/40
--Voice: 20/25
--Symbolism: 10/25
--Depth: 15/20
--Analysis: 10/20
--Word Choice: 17/20
--Juxtaposition: 5/10

Structure: 90/120
--Format: 30/40
--Grammar: 25/30
--Usage: 15/20
--Sentence Configuration: 10/15
--Basics: 10/15
Plot: 74/100
--Development: 30/40
--Intricacy: 27/30
--Consistency: 10/15
--Originality: 7/15
Other: 44/90
--Impact: 15/20
--Flow: 15/20
--Conclusion: 0/15
--Theme: 10/15
--Empathetic Ties: 7/10
--Title Relevance: 7/10
Layout: 65/80
--Introduction: 25/30
--Overall Appearance: 16/20
--Title Page: 12/15
--Chapter Configuration: 12/15

Total: 380/520, 73%.
You and I differed only by five points in this rubric. Please note, however, that you scored yourself a zero for “Conclusion”. I scored you a twelve in this category. If I award you a nine, which, when averaged out, you would have scored yourself, we differ by fourteen points, which is still relatively close.
I am pleased that you are aware of your abilities and your faults.

13-Apr-2009 17:38:48

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The following is my rubric for “Agony”.
Literary Tools: 111/150, 74%.
--Description: 32/40
--Voice: 14/25
--Symbolism: 10/25
--Depth: 17/20
--Analysis: 16/20
--Word Choice: 14/20
--Juxtaposition: 8/10

Structure: 62/120, 51.6%
--Format: 31/40
--Grammar: 10/30
--Usage: 8/20
--Sentence Configuration: 5/15
--Basics: 8/15
Plot: 80/100, 80%
--Development: 35/40
--Intricacy: 23/30
--Consistency:13 /15
--Originality: 9/15
Other: 58/90, 64.4%
--Impact: 12/20
--Flow: 10/20
--Conclusion: 12/15
--Theme: 11/15
--Empathetic Ties: 6/10
--Title Relevance: 7/10
Layout: 64/80, 80%
--Introduction: 24/30
--Overall Appearance: 16/20
--Title Page: 14/15
--Chapter Configuration: 10/15

Total: 375/520, 72.1%

13-Apr-2009 17:40:19

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your lowest score by far was “Structure”. This is, for the most part, because of your sentences. Had I been ignorant of some aspects of your introduction, I would have scored you significantly lower in your “Format” sub-section, and this would have drastically altered your score. The reason that you scored so low in this section is because you try to incorporate far too much information into a single sentence. This leaves you with too little information for the following sentence, hence why you simply begin it with a conjunction, having no new information for a primary clause.
A pattern I noticed is that you incorporate three ideas into one sentence and then one into the next. If you could somehow average this out, maintaining two or fewer ideas per sentence, it would make it much easier for you to convey your ideas. Another tool which would help you in shortening your run-on sentences is complex punctuation: extended hyphens, semicolons, and colons. These really help with sentence configuration, and, if used, would force you to begin the process of restructuring your pieces. I could not find but four semicolons in your entire piece. I have more than this in my introduction to “Lunar Eclipse” alone.
Another fact that I noticed was that your paragraph isn’t necessary all there. It seems that you arbitrarily choose when to begin a new paragraph. The following is a quote from “The Elements of Style”, and I think it will help you to understand just what a paragraph is.
“Make the paragraph the unit of composition: one paragraph to each topic.
“If the subject on which you are writing is of slight extent, or if you intend to treat it very briefly, there may be no need of subdividing it into topics. Thus a brief description… a narrative merely outlining an action, the setting forth of a single idea, any one of these is best written in a single paragraph.”

13-Apr-2009 17:40:39

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
If you began to write having only one main idea to each paragraph, I think that this too should aid in your restructuring of sentences.
Additionally, I noticed a significant lack of depth in your piece. There were no discernible symbols, no allusions, and there was very limited irony. Additionally, your word choice on a select few occasions really forced the reader to stop and rethink what you were trying to tell him. This caused a drop in your impact, hence the lower score.
I also noticed that you tend to describe a bit too much. This is partly responsible for your sentence problems. Whilst description is a wonderful tool, it should be used intelligently. If your characters are walking down a hallway, it makes absolutely no sense to go into excessive detail over a particular doorway that they walk past unless the doorway will later be relevant – perhaps a tool for a quick escape. I noticed that when you describe, you oftentimes forget the relevance of certain items and the utter irrelevance of others.
Your plot, however, I enjoyed. It was a bit unoriginal in concept, but in actuality it was well written. The different twists and ideas that I came up with after reading it were phenomenal. As of now, however, this is not so much a horror story as a mystery. I would suggest that you try and work on the horror aspect of it a bit more.

13-Apr-2009 17:41:55

VonDerThWood
Jan Member 2020

VonDerThWood

Posts: 2,195 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So, Yrolg, I post a rubric that *I* fill out?
I'd like to get a review, but I'm confused. Then again, it's nearly 2:20 AM, I have school tomorrow, and I've taken like 5 pain pills for a headache.
I'll re-read this thread tomorrow to see if I'll get it then.

20-Apr-2009 08:19:56

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, damn me twice, but you certainly go in depth, eh Yrolg?
First off, well set up and clever use of the hidden stuff. Gets everyone to read, reducing the number of people applying buy about 3/4. Very well done.
I may apply, some time in the future. Could you clear one thing up for me, though? I have a short story thread, which would be the one that I'd get reviewed, but I only want a few of them reviewed. Some are only kept up for nostalgia's sake and aren't up to my standard. Is it possible for me to say "These are the short stories I want reviewed..."?
Thanks and good luck with the reviews.
P.S: Why won't you call me Die or DS for that matter? Even if I asked with a 'P<C>wease'?

20-Apr-2009 10:50:12 - Last edited on 21-Apr-2009 08:58:02 by 97swiftarm

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