forums.rs

Forums

—The Highborn—

Quick find code: 49-50-19-63707112

of 24
Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A few thoughts, Del:

I read the first and last chapters, just to see where you started and where you are now. At the beginning, you had a large vocabulary, but you overused it, and at times misused "obscure" words as well. This gave the writing a strange, stilted feeling; everything was over-described, or described in terms too grandiose. There was, as a result, very little flow to the piece.

On another note, the incredibly impolitic conversations between princes and kings in this chapter struck me as wrong, frankly. Mediaeval royalty were politicians, and while they might hold opinions like those who you gave them, they certainly wouldn't give voice to them.

By the last chapter, your writing flows much better; you've tempered your use of bigger words, and that's much to your advantage. You still have a tendency to get caught in passages of very simply sentences, though, and start too many of those sentences with the same (pro)noun-verb construction. Varied sentences are ever your friend.

You still have some believability issues, too: if the demon city has armed guards, why on earth aren't the actually guarding it? It's not like he snuck across a field that offered concealment; he was literally a sitting duck if they were even half way competent. Sneaking around the city was equally strange -- do they not have gates? Why is the queen outside, much less visible to anyone who may walk in? It just beggars believability a little bit too much that he was able to get in os easily.

19-Jun-2013 07:00:17

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well this is a fantasy world, so the medieval royalty act differently and are expected to perform different feats.

Concerning your first paragraph, many people have said that, and because the piece is un-edited, I can go back in fix that at a later date. But thanks for that! I've really tried to go with the phrase "you shouldn't use a one dollar word if a fifty cent one will do just fine."

With the varied sentence thing, lol... I'm a bit rusty. I haven't written in a while, and what I added last night fit that description perfectly. I often write things that are unrealistic, someone will notice, and I'll go back and edit. That's what I did here, just so I can tell when people catch it or not, and I can see what I can get away with.

Thank you SO much though! I know you took a little time to read and do that short little review, but I appreciate it a lot! If you ever happen to get a chance to read the middle chapters, tell me what you think of the plot so far since you've really covered the function-based writing! ^_^

19-Jun-2013 12:58:06

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I edited that last chapter. There is no more wall, and Odama simply watched the demons from the boulder he was originally hiding behind. Makes it a lot more realistic, but I had to give up a post of writing. Fortunately, quality trumps quantity. :)

19-Jun-2013 13:27:40

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Areno3 said :
Well this is a fantasy world, so the medieval royalty act differently and are expected to perform different feats.

That's fine -- but it's a fact you need to establish before the reader sees them acting "out of character," as it were.

Original message details are unavailable.
I've really tried to go with the phrase "you shouldn't use a one dollar word if a fifty cent one will do just fine."

The thing is, there's nothing wrong with big words -- I'd be a hypocrite if I said as much. There's just a time and a place for them, and that place is not a relatively fast-paced scene like a conversation. A contemplative, meditative scene, though? Go wild. It's all about context, and being able to change tones like that is an invaluable skill for an author.

Original message details are unavailable.
Thank you SO much though! I know you took a little time to read and do that short little review, but I appreciate it a lot! If you ever happen to get a chance to read the middle chapters, tell me what you think of the plot so far since you've really covered the function-based writing! ^_^

No worries -- it's why I hang around. If you do want me to read the whole thing, all you to do to force me to do so is go apply at TAL ;) .

20-Jun-2013 02:06:25

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I just read everything from page 2.

“I’m sure the small fellow would be glad to have some time from that elephant of a bodyguard he has.””
They know what an elephant is?

“Cropped brown hair adorned his scalp, scissor-like bangs hanging over his forehead.”
Historically, knights fought with mushroom-style-like hairstyle. Any excess hair over the eyes would be a disadvantage in a fight. Well, then again, during the First Crusade, many knights had hair and beards going down to their waist by the time they reached Byzantium and the Holy Lands.

**That’s because broadswords are not meant to be carried by infantry, lad”
Well, Scottish Highlanders fought with broadswords on foot, even in Canada. It was a fencing sword. “Broadswords” as wide-bladed swords with a traditional cross guard seems to have arisen from modern media. The only thing that comes to that would be an executioner’s sword, which was a huge, two-handed sword with an extremely broad blade, ending in a round tip, but as its title suggests, it was used for beheading, but there’d be nothing stopping it being used in a real fight by anyone.

“is hands still firmly placed upon the butt end of his broadsword”
The butt would be the pommel, which was also used for smashing peoples’ faces.

“Odama’s hand fell to the golden hilt of his scimitar”
Gold is too soft for practical use. Perhaps “gilded” would be a better word?

Odama should have brought a telescope. Or, as revealed in Indiana Jones, a wooden pipe-thingy with a slot to place a crystal.

“With the manufacturing of catapults and rams”
Siege engines were constructed nearby an enemy castle, that is, as closest to the enemy fortification as possible. It’d be difficult to move siege engines across a forest, especially with hundred foot trees in the way and such. Even with powerful demons up to eight feet tall, it wouldn’t be easy. How are they building the siege engines, anyways?

20-Jun-2013 04:05:21

Quick find code: 49-50-19-63707112 Back to Top