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—The Highborn—

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Azigarath

Azigarath

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Nice to see you at hand with a story-story. It's very good to base ideas (stories, that is) upon childhood imagination, as it is the basis of future work. I have also done that a lot, as dragons and werewolves were the first monsters I discovered so naturally I am fond of them and use creatures similar to them.

I really like how you use historic pieces of armour, such as clap visors, and a riveted aventail. Riveted means that each link of maille has a rivet, would you look at that, and riveted maille is the highest grade of chainmail, and excellent quality maille was almost as good as a full plate harness. Teutonic Knights wore riveted maille of high quality as late as the fifteenth century, whereas many other European knights wore plate.

Maille takes a long time to make; a breastplate can be made in a few days, but a maille shirt could take up to a year. Chainmail is quite an extraordinary type of armour; from Portugal to Japan, Scotland to North Africa, maille seems to have been universal armour. The Celts and Assyrains seem to have been the first users of chainmail, but the oldest chainmail was found in the Balkans.

I think it's odd how you word out, "Purple draconic tattoos decorated the armor" which makes sense, I get what you're trying to point out, but perhaps a better way of saying this would be, "Purple draconic etchings decorated the armour". Since I'm picky, another thing to note is that you should also describe the boarding, lines and fluting if this is a piece of highly decorated royal armour. Purple is a very royal colour, too, as is yellow and orange.

But my above suggestion is optional and unnecessary; after all, this is a fictional story, so you can do anything your way. Blueing and etching armour was popular during the late Middle Ages, though for some reason they are incredibly rare.

30-Apr-2012 01:19:22

Azigarath

Azigarath

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Uh, anyways, the story opens well, revealing many possibilities after reading your little intro to it. A whole world full of unknown things to the reader leaves so many thoughts that you simply form a true adventure awaiting to be read about.

You do get a bit wordy though. This prince is astute and annoying, which is an unusual combo, but it does make him dynamic.


Armour doesn't really rattle though, it clanks, or so that's how it sounds like when I wear my armour (Yeah, I do have replica plate and maille armour. I'm that much of a fanatic), but both words are good enough for me.

Speaking of jeweled weapons, some Middle Eastern cultures, mostly Turks and Egyptians, would sometimes hammer diamond or ruby dust into white-hot blades, and, apparently, this made the blade stronger. It was said that such a forged blade could strike a boulder and retain its edge, or cut through maille in one stroke. Perhaps it is true.

...And then a demonic gargoyle kills the king, or vampire, or whatever fits into that category. I speculate that the prince is that were-monster/demon, but we'll see.

So, that's all my feedback for now. It's nice to see you working on a story that you assemble very well, especially since it does have specifics about some parts of armour. I look forward to how the story unfolds, as well as the action that will take place. Kinda reminds me of Sapkowski's works, but that's just me.

Good typing.

And this makes me the first person to post, too, thus I'm special.

30-Apr-2012 01:19:37 - Last edited on 30-Apr-2012 01:21:39 by Azigarath

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks! Yeah, I like your suggestions. I'll edit accordingly. I realized that the best fantasy books always have a world of their own creation (such as J.R.R. Tolkien's Land of Middle-Earth), so I have created my own world, with much of my brother's help. He loves how I'm doing the plot, and he encourages me.

Again, thanks for reading. :)

30-Apr-2012 01:41:39

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You're welcome, I always liked stories that had an opening towards the unknown. Anyone can base a story off a place they already know about, but to create a story entirely from nothing, "creating something from nothing", is a higher level of developing a story. It also leaves room for imagination without boundaries. After all, creativity and imagination should not be limited at all, and to do so in your own independent way will maximise the potential.

Well, that's all for now, and thanks for considering my suggestions as I felt it was a nice time to offer them at that time. Merging historic fact into fiction is one way of making a story feel real, too.

03-May-2012 20:33:54

Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your map is ridiculous. Now, WAIT. I didn't mean that in a rude sense. I mean it is ridiculous in an awesome sense because you used ASCII to create a comprehensible diagram. (I've always enjoyed a good map, myself).

I also enjoy the concept behind this story. My brother, my friends, and I used to play games like that all the time.

Anyway, I haven't started reading this story yet (I should probably get on that). I just wanted to say that I find your writing style impressive. I hope you don't mind, but I sponsored your thread, "The Menagerie," on my thread.

And yes, you ARE one of the most impressive writers for your age.

07-May-2012 01:57:37

Areno3

Areno3

Posts: 12,906 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the map compliment. :P I'm a pretty big roleplayer, so I know how to use ASCII to form maps and such things.

Oh yeah, it's totally fine if you sponsor it. It just means more people have a chance of seeing it, and maybe I'll get some more readers.

"And yes, you ARE one of the most impressive writers for your age."

Thanks! :) I appreciate the compliment. But tell me what you think of the prologue and first chapter once you read it. I think the story is much better than any of my short stories.

07-May-2012 03:10:10

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