I added A LOT and now chapter two is finished.
29-Jul-2012 00:33:51
Forums
—The Highborn—
Quick find code: 49-50-19-63707112
I fixed the typo.
Remember though, that was just a scouting party, so the "running into blades and dying hopelessly" pretty much fits their description.
The more experienced demons were those attacking Calabin, and I made sure not to describe them yet.
Remember though, that was just a scouting party, so the "running into blades and dying hopelessly" pretty much fits their description.
The more experienced demons were those attacking Calabin, and I made sure not to describe them yet.
29-Jul-2012 12:23:10
"Some of the syntax seems "off" and some things just sound wrong.
Eg. "Thrown ajar".
Thrown implies that the doors were thrown fully open.
Ajar means that something is only slightly open.
Some of your phrases don't make sense and your syntax isn't on point either."
--I agree with you here. I write quickly, and editing syntax issues is usually difficult. Thank you for this.
" ""Zendonia; a place of malevolency and anguish, it had recently surfaced itself upon the world. *"
This is not a valid way of using a semi-colon. A comma works here just fine. A colon is passable. Semi-colons are used similarly to commas. They both separate clauses however semi-colons are used more often when linking two related sentences together, or a complex list. "
--Yes, I should have used a colon there. Minor mistake on my part.
"Your writing style isn't refined enough either. You rely on long sentences too much, when in fact, you don't have to at all.
Eg. He collapsed, his bloodied and unprotected face smashing into the ground.
>He collapsed. The blooded, unprotected face smashed into the ground.
Joining the two sentences makes the action "drag on" which is again, contradictory when you write "smashing".
* The sentence about Zendonia does not need to be that long too.
Zendonia, a place of malevolency and anguish. Only recently..."
--This is just my writing style. It is not grammatically incorrect, just a bit different. I write using longer sentences with increased detail, instead of short choppy ones. I don't like the brief sentences that you use as examples. I'm sorry you do not like this characteristic of my writing.
"You had a brilliant opportunity to use sibilance in the prologue too. Using it, especially in the old chap's speech will emphasise the old and unwell state of health."
--Yes he was old, but he wasn't too unhealthy. I could add some sibilance there, though.
Eg. "Thrown ajar".
Thrown implies that the doors were thrown fully open.
Ajar means that something is only slightly open.
Some of your phrases don't make sense and your syntax isn't on point either."
--I agree with you here. I write quickly, and editing syntax issues is usually difficult. Thank you for this.
" ""Zendonia; a place of malevolency and anguish, it had recently surfaced itself upon the world. *"
This is not a valid way of using a semi-colon. A comma works here just fine. A colon is passable. Semi-colons are used similarly to commas. They both separate clauses however semi-colons are used more often when linking two related sentences together, or a complex list. "
--Yes, I should have used a colon there. Minor mistake on my part.
"Your writing style isn't refined enough either. You rely on long sentences too much, when in fact, you don't have to at all.
Eg. He collapsed, his bloodied and unprotected face smashing into the ground.
>He collapsed. The blooded, unprotected face smashed into the ground.
Joining the two sentences makes the action "drag on" which is again, contradictory when you write "smashing".
* The sentence about Zendonia does not need to be that long too.
Zendonia, a place of malevolency and anguish. Only recently..."
--This is just my writing style. It is not grammatically incorrect, just a bit different. I write using longer sentences with increased detail, instead of short choppy ones. I don't like the brief sentences that you use as examples. I'm sorry you do not like this characteristic of my writing.
"You had a brilliant opportunity to use sibilance in the prologue too. Using it, especially in the old chap's speech will emphasise the old and unwell state of health."
--Yes he was old, but he wasn't too unhealthy. I could add some sibilance there, though.
29-Jul-2012 17:59:00
--Also, separating lines in such a forum set-up would make the writing look sloppy. Cutting it into various paragraphs makes it much neater, and is easier on the eyes of a human being. Sorry that you want to be so exact. The format you suggest is how I have it formatted in a word document, not here.
--@ PS: I don't know what you quite mean by this. Would Xarth be pronounced just as it's written?
--@ PPS: Pacing means walking to and fro. I don't know where you infer that they have to be nervous.
-----------------------------------------
All in all, I thank you for the blunt review, but some of the criticims you gave weren't exactly on key. Some were helpful though, so thank you for that. But a good reviewer focuses on the bad and the good, and how you can work with the good to accomodate for the bad. But you didn't do that. You focused all on the bad.
Good luck in the forum.
--@ PS: I don't know what you quite mean by this. Would Xarth be pronounced just as it's written?
--@ PPS: Pacing means walking to and fro. I don't know where you infer that they have to be nervous.
-----------------------------------------
All in all, I thank you for the blunt review, but some of the criticims you gave weren't exactly on key. Some were helpful though, so thank you for that. But a good reviewer focuses on the bad and the good, and how you can work with the good to accomodate for the bad. But you didn't do that. You focused all on the bad.
Good luck in the forum.
29-Jul-2012 18:04:03 - Last edited on 29-Jul-2012 18:14:08 by Areno3
Quick find code: 49-50-19-63707112 Back to Top