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Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

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Filling your lungs to their very limit, you take a moment to behold the picturesque scene. You let in all the impressions; you let those final words brand themselves upon you mind with familiar incandescence.

You frown, pondering the last sentence. You even catch yourself speaking it aloud.

The memory will not last forever – of this you are almost certain. You will carry it for a while, but it shall fade in time – as all things do. You draw yet another deep breath before casting a final glance. You are ready to take your leave.

Then you close the book. // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

28-Feb-2014 17:02:27

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Great to see the range of new entries, folks!

Am I correct in assuming, Cyun, that your entry from last week was based on some kind of true story? Either way, it is skilfully written. The line about Cyrllic spiders is an especially neat touch, though why someone in Mexico is writing in Russian I'm not sure (and leads me to suspect it was indeed based on a true story, and therefore that I'm missing something reading it). The personification of winter in the form of the ice pick, and the contrasting of hot and cold in the last paragraph is very well executed, and the story as a whole is a very slick, almost professional piece. It also feels longer than its 100 words, which is perhaps the quintessential goal of flash fiction, so well done.

Your entry is very well written, Sam, from a technical stand point ("we made to grant ourselves immortality" resonates especially well), but suffers largely from telling rather than showing. That death is a good thing is an old trope of literature (and the very core of the philosophy of Tolkien's legendarium, for example) but nothing in your piece serves to demonstrate why it's a good thing. It may be that that is too expansive a theme to try and work with with only 100 words. It's a flashy piece, and a flashy argument, but unfortunately rather hollow on both accounts.

In contrast with the previous two, your piece is very simple, Chuk, but yet perhaps the most evocative of the three. It takes us back to a place we've all been, though from personal experience that much emotion at the end of a book was conjured by, not that final sentence, but rather All was well .

Writing about the Parthenon is always a solid way to get in my good books, Worf, though I must admit to being slightly confused by your piece; there was, to my knowledge, no point in history where a man could have grown up with the Parthenon as an active centre of worship and in old age find it a faded and fallen thing.

28-Feb-2014 22:45:56

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I do very much enjoy the idea that the marble has only physically faded, however, and that the spirit of the thing still exists, something to be seen but not to be felt by men of the right disposition.

And back around to you, Cyun. The whole world of the story feels sick ("yolky" as an adjective for the sun is almost disturbing). The imagery of the eels and clams is obvious, if effective, and the second paragraph gets your point across with a blunt physicality rare in depictions of the end of childhood. For all the talk there is about the death of innocence at childhood's end, this piece portrays ******* as a physical disease of horrible aspect, which some would see as an overwrought and hyperdramatic metaphor, but which strikes me with a strange potency. As Level said, it is certainly a piece to be pondered - not just for what it says, but for how that interacts with personal beliefs and feelings about that time, too.

If you, as I assume you must have, Dyrn, wrote that without having read Chuk's, then I think this prompt has revealed just how much we writers are in nature readers first and foremost. I think, for its simplicity, Chuk's works slightly better than does yours (though for someone who does not take the feelings you explain as implicit when describing finishing a good book, yours may well work better), but nevertheless it's an effective and impactful piece.

28-Feb-2014 22:46:09

Dyrnwyn
Nov Member 2007

Dyrnwyn

Posts: 1,396 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Poller5 said :
If you, as I assume you must have, Dyrn, wrote that without having read Chuk's, then I think this prompt has revealed just how much we writers are in nature readers first and foremost.
Just went back and read Chuk's -- it's curious how we sometimes think so alike, even when presented with such an ambiguous prompt. // Wordsmith ~ The Novelists' Guild // Viking //

28-Feb-2014 22:59:57

Chosen Worf

Chosen Worf

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Poller5 said :
I must admit to being slightly confused by your piece; there was, to my knowledge, no point in history where a man could have grown up with the Parthenon as an active centre of worship and in old age find it a faded and fallen thing.

I was thinking somewhere along the lines of the sack of Athens by the Romans having occurred somewhere in the old man's past, and the Parthenon being an unfortunate casualty. Of course, I have no evidence that any such defacement actually happened. But hey, artistic license.

EDIT: On doing a little research, there were in fact a couple of times when Athens was attacked that could have resulted in the Parthenon being damaged, specifically the Germanic Heruli incursion of 267 AD.

28-Feb-2014 23:27:30 - Last edited on 28-Feb-2014 23:31:57 by Chosen Worf

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Original message details are unavailable.
Just went back and read Chuk's -- it's curious how we sometimes think so alike, even when presented with such an ambiguous prompt.

I figured you must have written yours without seeing his. It was certainly amusing to see both of you go in the same direction.

Original message details are unavailable.
Don't close the prompt yet! I'm writing furiously I'm brainstorming furiously!

You've got another 24 hours at least, depending on how on the ball I am tomorrow.

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I was thinking somewhere along the lines of the sack of Athens by the Romans having occurred somewhere in the old man's past, and the Parthenon being an unfortunate casualty. Of course, I have no evidence that any such defacement actually happened. But hey, artistic license.

The one time the Parthenon was seriously damaged by military action was the war between Venice and the Ottomans (in, I think, the 18th century). You're right, inasmuch as Sulla's sack of Athens or the the Gallic invasion could have damaged the Parthenon somewhat; I guess what struck me was the impression of immense damage done to it, which wasn't likely to have happened on those occasions.

28-Feb-2014 23:43:11

Cyun

Cyun

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Thank you very much Level and Poller :)

My first piece was based around the assassination of Leon Trotsky. I've been doing a hideous amount of essays on Russian history recently, and that scene sprung to my mind as soon as I read the prompt for some mystical reason. I was hesitant to submit it at first as I firmly believe that literature that is made up of obscure references is wrong, as it limits who can read and be effected by your work. But I liked the insect-writing noises metaphor so much I chose to in the end.

My second reflects largely my own thoughts when I was a bum-fluff-lipped lad - before I saw those monstrous chest protrusions as actually quite agreeable.

01-Mar-2014 00:01:30

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