RuneScape Forum Archive | Flash Fiction

Sep

2023

Enheduanna

Posts: 16,566 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Chuk said :
Sammael – I can't say I really picked up on what's going on.

It appears my work of late--both in this and in the Christmas Story Competition, where Snow picked up on it, too--suffer from a lack of clarity.

My intention was to have the reader understand there were two main characters - the woman being *****, and the man perpetrating it.

The third man (the one mentioned in the second sentence) was meant solely as imagery and social commentary, mainly on the bystander effect. Her scream is silent because the man walking past doesn't 'hear' it, as he doesn't come to her aid (which, sadly, is not as unusual as it should be, thanks to human psychology and thus the aforementioned bystander effect, though I certainly show a darker view of things than what it usually manifests itself as).

She takes the knife from the back pocket of the man who is actually perpetrating the ****, not the bystander, who is long gone by the time she manages to get a hold of it.

The fact I must explain this to make it clear tells me I definitely need to work on actually showing what's happening, as opposed to showing how it's happening with fancy words and imagery and hoping the audience will join the dots when they're only in possession of half of them.

Thanks for the feedback, Chuk; hopefully I can take what both you and Poller have said on-board and fix it for my next piece.

16-Feb-2014 10:19:18 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2014 10:20:00 by Enheduanna

Sep

2023

Enheduanna

Posts: 16,566 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Heat rose in waves to the discordant symphony of the cicadas' chirps.

Alongside it rose the birds, every last one of them, the vast, sweeping noise of their passage drowned out only by the cracks of the whip-bird, the snare-like chatter of the kookaburra, and the high-pitched screams of the galah.

Below, in the forest, the ground shuddered, countless feet, paws and claws shredding the ground as they scrambled for freedom, pygmy possums alongside feral cats alongside cassowaries as the food chain upturned itself in a yearly ritual.

In the distance, the fire burned like a second sunrise.

16-Feb-2014 11:08:23

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thank you for all the feedback I have received.

@Chuk, I'm really glad you've read that in my piece. Before writing it, I had three main visuals in my mind: insect metamorphosis, human birth, and foregrounding both, a mental patient in an asylum. I seem to have achieved all three, albeit from different readers. I think that in itself, above the questionable quality of my writing in a hundred words and ten minutes, makes me proud of my work. If I had spent more time and words on it I would have cleared the various contradictions between the metaphors and come to some kind of eclipse of ambiguity between them.

Nevertheless, it is very rewarding to write something between mouthfuls of your lunch and then have two people critique it at such length.

16-Feb-2014 14:46:55

Mar

2023

Bluefirecan

Posts: 3,493 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Poller5 said :
...the repetition of "had" in the second sentence makes for a slightly awkward reading...

I agree, though I couldn't quite seem to fit the sentence, and it seemed far too important to completely omit.

Poller5 said :
...falls almost on the side of too vague. Your narrator is... ill, I think, though what with and the exact condition of her incarceration doesn't seem identifiable.

Actually, I based this storyline on that of a roleplay I was a part of. It's vague, of course, and one wouldn't get it unless they were a part of it as well, but the vagueness was actually part of the appeal. I just liked how well the prompt fit in with it.

Chuk said :
Serval – So, I don't know if you've watched Firefly, but by Durin's beard, I swear you're describing River Tam's torture by the Alliance. I get the image that the character is being experimented on, much the way N#zis experimented on prisoners or the Japanese experimented on the Chinese in WW II. The character seems so lost in the torture that she barely realizes she's alive, except when she screams when the needles come. She's been trapped so long it seems endless, and she's almost reached a level of detachment. Like Poller, I like the ending imagery of the scream pouring out and escaping.

Firefly is probably the best show I've ever seen. Though, no, I'm not describing River's torture. As I said, it's based on a roleplay, though I can see similarities there where I couldn't before. However, you hit the nail on the head in terms of her being experimented on. In the original, the characters had been taken and locked in cages for a few years. It ended before the storyline finished, though, and that saddened me a bit.

-

I look forward to getting up another story for this week's prompt, though I've almost forgotten what it feels like to have anything but snow.

I just play FFXIV at this point. DC: Crystal

16-Feb-2014 15:00:10

Jan

2023

Mateus

Posts: 747 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I love the thoughts you and Chuk had about my story, Poller, thank you! Really does help a lot. My story was actually about a farmer that lived in the Zarosian Empire during the Second Age. Zaros is the god of control and that was his scream when he was defeated by Zamorak, which's the key to the protagonist's freedom feeling. Now, for the next prompt, which seems to demand more appropriate language (it's summer here, too!)

-------

Heat rose in waves to the discordant symphony of the cicadas' chirps. As I stood by the pool waiting for my turn to jump in, my team mates were speaking in voices so low I could hear the water, slowly moving as if it was waiting to be attacked. They were whispering to each other, but I was not trying to hear them, no. I knew exactly what to do. My whole life was dedicated to this, and much time did I waste in expectancy of this moment - it just had to happen.

And then I heard the bang.

16-Feb-2014 18:33:49

Dec

2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I don't actually prefer your re-write, Chuk. A lot of the things you've changed just feel over-wrought, like you're trying to hard to make them work better when they already said what you wanted them to. The one part you did improve was the simile sentence, as well as the one right after it. "If she'd only stop, then he could let her go." appears in both, and I don't much like it; the if-then construction seems to simple, and "if she'd only" doesn't flow half as well as what my brain wants to read - "if only she'd." (The latter having the advantage of "if only" as a phrase, and is iambic to boot.)

Original message details are unavailable.
Happily, I know exactly what the prompt is talking about - though there aren't many cicadas around where I am, I have windows open and a fan on directly behind me--level with the back of my neck--and it's still hot.

Original message details are unavailable.
Oh God, cicadas - the bane of my existence. I swear when those little devils start singing I just want to scream!

Wellington is literally alive with the things. Had a beautiful, sunny day today and they were just going bananas. Also found one in the bathroom last night, and one in my own room a week or two ago; the things are absolutely massive.

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P.S any references to certain, long-awaited books by renowned fantasy authors are entirely coincidental. I swear it by the Seven!

I've been throwing references like that into my work since I started writing. Seemed too precise to be a coincidence

.

Nice job going through and critiquing everyone as well, Chuk. I'd certainly encourage everyone to comment on the pieces that stand out to them, if not necessarily every single one (which does require a fair bit of effort).

16-Feb-2014 18:35:13

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Poller5 said :
I don't actually prefer your re-write, Chuk. A lot of the things you've changed just feel over-wrought, like you're trying to hard to make them work better when they already said what you wanted them to. The one part you did improve was the simile sentence, as well as the one right after it. "If she'd only stop, then he could let her go." appears in both, and I don't much like it; the if-then construction seems to simple, and "if she'd only" doesn't flow half as well as what my brain wants to read - "if only she'd." (The latter having the advantage of "if only" as a phrase, and is iambic to boot.)

Hah. I spent entirely too much time flipping 'only' and 'she'd' back and forth before I settled on the phrasing I used, which for some reason I still prefer slightly. I changed more than I planned in an effort to keep it at 100 words; there's this funny domino effect that when one thing changes, other things have to change to accommodate it. (Whoda thunk?) But you still think the telling issue is there in the new version? That's the biggest thing I was trying to change.

I can definitely see how you might call it overwrought, though.

16-Feb-2014 20:00:07 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2014 20:03:23 by Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Enheduanna said :

She takes the knife from the back pocket of the man who is actually perpetrating the ****, not the bystander, who is long gone by the time she manages to get a hold of it.

The fact I must explain this to make it clear tells me I definitely need to work on actually showing what's happening, as opposed to showing how it's happening with fancy words and imagery and hoping the audience will join the dots when they're only in possession of half of them.

Thanks for the feedback, Chuk; hopefully I can take what both you and Poller have said on-board and fix it for my next piece.

So if that's what's happening, I think you're actually very close to describing it very well. There are two main points I'd suggest to try to clarify a bit if you were to rewrite this: one, find a way to separate the two men - as I recall, you refer to both as 'the man'. Maybe refer to the r#pist as 'the attacker' or 'the monster' or something in that vein, though more subtle if you wish. 'The man' the r#pist just needs to be distinct from 'the man' the bystander.

Second, I had no idea she found a knife in her attacker's pocket. I'd say you need some mention of knife, or blade, or a grip/handle. That could be tough to do within the 100 word limit, but the first fix shouldn't add any words, I wouldn't think, and the second wouldn't have to add more than three or four; you could edit out a few other non essential ones to make room. The fact that she grabbed a knife from his pocket was really the missing link for me.

16-Feb-2014 20:10:32 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2014 20:14:18 by Chuk

Dec

2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Original message details are unavailable.
I agree, though I couldn't quite seem to fit the sentence, and it seemed far too important to completely omit.
To my eyes, it reads fine with the second had simply omitted.

Incidentally, Sammael, I didn't have any of the problems that Chuk did picking out what had happened in your story. The combination of knowing her hand had been in his pocket and the slashes suitably established what was happening; it is vague, though, in as much as it's not readily apparent; but once you figure it out, you know you have to be right.

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But you still think the telling issue is there in the new version? That's the biggest thing I was trying to change.

No, I think you mostly resolved that; it was just the part where we jump into his thoughts that still doesn't quite work for me.

16-Feb-2014 20:45:28

Money Bobert

Posts: 91 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Frank tapped his remote and the screen exploded in light. A leaf appeared, with a large, red-eyed insect dangling from its edge. Frank sank into a slouch as he listened.

“…Cicadas live out most of their lives as reproductively undeveloped nymphs.”

Frank grimaced and took a mouthful of chips.

Heat rose in waves to the discordant symphony of the cicadas’ chirps. The camera panned out over the squirming, black mass. The narrator boomed:

“After seven years, they emerge from their hardened exoskeletons to fulfill their ancestral purpose!”

Frank’s eyes bulged. He reached for the remote and clawed the television off.

17-Feb-2014 13:08:00

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