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Poller5
said
:
...but I find the ending a little weak and odd. The last line robs the sense of finality without particularly carrying any sense of continuation; she screams again because she's killed him, I suppose, but the afterwards is a different story, and a reference to it seems out of place.
I showed the story to a friend--though she's more a poet than a writer--before I submitted it, and I will admit that we juked around the ending about three or four times before settling on what I submitted (which ended up finishing at exactly a hundred words). I liked what I had up (obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have included the line), but it's certainly interesting to see different perspectives of the same thing, and in this I bow to your superior experience in the realms of writing - I can certainly see where you're coming from.
The main thing I was worried about with it was the reader not understanding why the scream began anew - I find it ironically amusing how it now appears that should have been the least of my concerns
Thanks for the feedback--seriously, it's awesome to have other people comment in-depth upon your work--and I shall endeavour to get out a second submission when I have time - perhaps later today.
Happily, I know exactly what the prompt is talking about - though there aren't many cicadas around where I am, I have windows open and a fan on directly behind me--level with the back of my neck--and it's still hot.
P.S any references to certain, long-awaited books by renowned fantasy authors are entirely coincidental. I swear it by the Seven!
...but I find the ending a little weak and odd. The last line robs the sense of finality without particularly carrying any sense of continuation; she screams again because she's killed him, I suppose, but the afterwards is a different story, and a reference to it seems out of place.
I showed the story to a friend--though she's more a poet than a writer--before I submitted it, and I will admit that we juked around the ending about three or four times before settling on what I submitted (which ended up finishing at exactly a hundred words). I liked what I had up (obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have included the line), but it's certainly interesting to see different perspectives of the same thing, and in this I bow to your superior experience in the realms of writing - I can certainly see where you're coming from.
The main thing I was worried about with it was the reader not understanding why the scream began anew - I find it ironically amusing how it now appears that should have been the least of my concerns
Thanks for the feedback--seriously, it's awesome to have other people comment in-depth upon your work--and I shall endeavour to get out a second submission when I have time - perhaps later today.
Happily, I know exactly what the prompt is talking about - though there aren't many cicadas around where I am, I have windows open and a fan on directly behind me--level with the back of my neck--and it's still hot.
P.S any references to certain, long-awaited books by renowned fantasy authors are entirely coincidental. I swear it by the Seven!
16-Feb-2014 07:38:48 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2014 07:40:13 by Enheduanna
Well, I won't promise to do this every week, but I've managed it this time. Here's a different perspective on your pieces, folks!
Cyun – Oddly, the first thing that came to mind was a fetus, self aware at the moment of its birth. The description of the chrysalis and the darkness fueled it perhaps. The screaming is the mother. Of course, some of the wording doesn't fit ("in it, nobody sees." "Normal people scream."
, so I was at a bit of a loss. I didn't get the image of an insane asylum or mental hospital until I read Poller's analysis. Whether the opportunity for such different interpretations is what you were going for, it's quite interesting. Once I read it as the thoughts of the mad, I quite liked the poignant final sentence. There's something heart-breaking in it.
Snow – I was never quite sure what was going on in your piece, which made it difficult to take anything from it. I definitely picked up the imagery of the train, with the screaming as the whistle, but I think I took the description "through the air where your head should be" a bit too literally. I was trying to combine a train with decapitation, and I struggled. I like the idea of 'where your head should be' describing the lack of rational thought, but perhaps go for a more abstract word like 'space' or 'void' instead of 'air'? That might help make it less literal.
Poller – I found the juxtaposition of your two pieces particularly remarkable. Of course, sports and violence walk each other down the aisle, but to see the similarities made explicit with so few changes brings it out all the more. Non sports fans have called sports barbaric, and in these stories, I see it. It almost makes me wonder why we love sports so much. And yet there's a beauty in it, too, the struggle of survival replicated now that it's no longer a daily fear. The structure is fantastic in the way it works for both pieces, building towards the image of the crowd at the end.
Cyun – Oddly, the first thing that came to mind was a fetus, self aware at the moment of its birth. The description of the chrysalis and the darkness fueled it perhaps. The screaming is the mother. Of course, some of the wording doesn't fit ("in it, nobody sees." "Normal people scream."
, so I was at a bit of a loss. I didn't get the image of an insane asylum or mental hospital until I read Poller's analysis. Whether the opportunity for such different interpretations is what you were going for, it's quite interesting. Once I read it as the thoughts of the mad, I quite liked the poignant final sentence. There's something heart-breaking in it.
Snow – I was never quite sure what was going on in your piece, which made it difficult to take anything from it. I definitely picked up the imagery of the train, with the screaming as the whistle, but I think I took the description "through the air where your head should be" a bit too literally. I was trying to combine a train with decapitation, and I struggled. I like the idea of 'where your head should be' describing the lack of rational thought, but perhaps go for a more abstract word like 'space' or 'void' instead of 'air'? That might help make it less literal.
Poller – I found the juxtaposition of your two pieces particularly remarkable. Of course, sports and violence walk each other down the aisle, but to see the similarities made explicit with so few changes brings it out all the more. Non sports fans have called sports barbaric, and in these stories, I see it. It almost makes me wonder why we love sports so much. And yet there's a beauty in it, too, the struggle of survival replicated now that it's no longer a daily fear. The structure is fantastic in the way it works for both pieces, building towards the image of the crowd at the end.
16-Feb-2014 09:50:49 - Last edited on 16-Feb-2014 09:52:36 by Chuk
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