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Old Gnomish
Jul Member 2023

Old Gnomish

Posts: 2,569 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
All would hear its soulful sound
Contingent players, all surround
The soloist perched in the middle,
Angled hand, whilst all enthral
As she retracts, then pushes forth
Strikes each string, hits the chord.
And now ensemble, for players
Join, and form a solid layer
Of impenetrable sound, dubbed
A melody, it is now shrugged
Of melancholy, for it treats
The listener to notes of bittersweet
Hark! relish the sound, for in its mellow
One appreciates the graceful cello.
Snow
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Guildmaster - The Novelists' Guild

27-Jun-2012 18:41:32

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Snowbuster,

I think you need an extra syllable in "Strikes each string, hits the chord.".

Why not "Strikes each string, then hits the chord". It's not simultaneous then, but the flow is better. :D

The second verse seemed very abstract and free verse to me. I thought at first the change was due to the irony of the content -- you were penning of the beauty of harmony and sounds -- but then I realised that the rhymes just turned to slant. I wonder what it would be like to remove the slant, and truly make the end poetically ironic?

30-Jun-2012 22:22:40 - Last edited on 30-Jun-2012 22:24:41 by Yrolg

Old Gnomish
Jul Member 2023

Old Gnomish

Posts: 2,569 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ah, too right you are, Yrolg. Goodness knows how the syllables in that line evaded me.

The abstract characteristic of the second verse was supposedly intentional in that, as all the players had now joined in, the pace had quickened, thus the free verse is representational of the pace change.

Could you, perhaps, explain what you mean by the rhymes turning to "slant". There is half-assonance which I could not avoid but a further explanation could help. :)
Snow
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Guildmaster - The Novelists' Guild

05-Jul-2012 18:46:05

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This Found Poem mixes the story of Tank Man with the song 21 Guns by Green Day.

Do you know what's fighting for?
incident took place near Tiananmen
June 5, 1989
When it's worth dying for?
man placed himself alone
Does it take your breath away
tanks approached
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
held two shopping bags
Did someone break your heart inside?
tanks came to a stop
One, 21 tanks
tank attempted to drive around the man
man stepped into the path of the tank
Lay down your arms
show of nonviolent action
Give up the fight
tank stopped its engines
Throw up your arms
successfully brought the column to a halt
You and I
man climbed onto the lead tank
short conversation with a crew member
When you're at the end of the road
tanks restarted their engines
Nothing's ever built to last
man leapt in front of the vehicle
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
reestablished the man–tank standoff.
Did you try on your own
two figures in blue attire
When it's time to live and let die
pulled the man away
And you can't get another try
disappeared with him
One, 21 guns
Little known of the man's identity
Lay down your arms
executed 14 days later
give up the fight
executed by firing squad a few months after
One, 21 guns
man is still alive?
Throw up your arms into the sky
included in Time 100: The Most Important People of the Century.
You and I

---

Not my favorite found poem so far, but it was fun to make nevertheless.

06-Jul-2012 04:55:13 - Last edited on 06-Jul-2012 04:55:35 by Aeraie

[#05PW5ZQ1Z]

[#05PW5ZQ1Z]

Posts: 90 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well I was reading a few of books and I came up with this. I'm not sure if its any good.

Dancing to the song of an unseen singer,
A voice loosed by a soft breath.
The music frolics and spirals to and fro.
The listeners unknowingly being lured to their doom.

The silence that soon follows,
Maddens and ferments.
Dancers all in a hypnotic trance,
Follow a soft voice calling to them.

Dancers all in a hypnotic trance,
Are all called by a gentle voice.
The unfortunate souls that dare to listen,
Unknowingly being lured to their doom.

06-Jul-2012 17:47:19

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