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Old Gnomish
Jul Member 2023

Old Gnomish

Posts: 2,569 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The use of a preposition at the end was sort of difficult to avoid, Yrolg. It is difficult to rhyme anything with "longing". :P Anyway, thanks for the comments. I could expand it if I wished, although it was more a way of putting a few thoughts in my head into poetic form at the time. Besides, I am likely to write another poem with a similar idea at some point anyway; it is unlikely my feelings will go away any time soon.

I like them both, Worf. I think using "I" twice consecutively in stanza three of "The Seedling" makes it a bit of mouthful and stops the flow for a second: perhaps swapping "I" with "me" in the third line might help.

I liked the Marching Hymn; I can see its similarity to "The Two Towers". :)
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23-Jun-2012 21:00:55

Yrolg

Yrolg

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Cyun, though a poor defense, the only reason I opted for those lines being grouped was that they carry the most obvious metaphors. The rest of it, I think, is a bit of allusion or focused more on the non-leaf aspect.

It was, to an extent, a less than conscious choice.


---


Emperor Worf,

I wasn't sure how advanced or technical you wanted my feedback to be, so I just went with whatever came to mind at first. I hope this is what you wanted (and don't be alarmed if it is pedantic).

In the third line, "streaking her face" is a bit distracting with its separation by parenthetic comma. It is almost a subdivision that removed the reader from the final line. I also thought that the last verse in the first stanza wasn't as impactful as I would have liked. Perhaps to change the words so that they aren't as cliché?

She began to lose sense of that awful place

The message in this is a bit clearer, although the verbiage isn't as powerful as it could be. I'll leave the prolix to you.

The third line, again, in the second stanza is a break from the metro. I do like the last line, though perhaps a more illustrative word than sorrows? When I think of sorrows I think of deep but healing wounds of the past, not newly incurred torments.

I have trouble assigning emphasis in the second line of the third stanza. It also seems so rather simplistic for a poem of tragedy. The emphasis problem extends to the end of lines three and four, because Nature has an emphasis on the primary syllable whereas be sure is two independent syllables of unknown emphasis.

In terms of logic, the second line in the fourth stanza defeats the present idea of the poem: the girl is mourning because of her burden, and yet in the second line she has already borne it. Perhaps using forlorn and preserving the tense?

Yet Death's final call is no reason to mourn—
Others will help to move past the forlorn

23-Jun-2012 23:59:45 - Last edited on 24-Jun-2012 00:19:00 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
In this same stanza, you repeat a slant rhyme. I will disclaim all of this by saying I am not a fan of slant rhyme. It either rhymes or it does not in my black and white view. The poet's battle is more often against the language than against his theme.

I can end by saying I thought the metro could be a bit more advanced for the theme. I did like the theme — though it is a bit overused — because it shows it through narrative poem instead of sheer prose. This change, I think, advanced the idea beyond mere storytelling. I think that you should continue to hone the poem, because it can do turn great.

If you have any questions just ask! I'd love to hear your feedback on some of my work.

24-Jun-2012 00:19:14

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~Thelyphthoric~

Malefaction, is man’s satisfaction,
With red splatted white newly wed,
Then her dawn locks and frilly frocks,
Doth bend like trodden daisy tail end,
For him, to mount and spike flag in.

24-Jun-2012 02:48:03 - Last edited on 24-Jun-2012 02:48:50 by Cyun

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The rhyme scheme of this developed as I wrote. I think it's decent for a first draft, though I'd love to hear what you think.

ZEPHYROS

The tears run trembling down
as the wind wafts dreadfully to and fro
and the marketplace stills to a crawl.
Breezes whip all along town
for the wind does not waver its blow
As the young girl's enveloped in squall;
and the wind, it refuses to slow.

Her eyes issue water like rain from the skies
which the wind whips against her flushed face,
by that tattered and battered fruit stall.
Her voice is stopped broken like wind-whipped fresh pies,
but the wind does not lessen its pace--
it owns her and throws her against the low wall,
for the wind will not lose its embrace.


Yet when drops all cascade like the leaves of late fall
and the wind does not dare yet to falter,
When the voice it escapes in a hackling yell
And the marketplace damns the wind's gall;
The wind's speed won't alter,
For it, no defaulter,
Will condemn the young girl to its hell.





As always, I am willing to exchange feedback. :)

25-Jun-2012 02:31:40 - Last edited on 26-Jun-2012 03:23:04 by Yrolg

Chosen Worf

Chosen Worf

Posts: 929 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A very interesting, and good, submission, Yrolg! I was just wondering about two things:

Isn't a zephyr supposed to be a gentle wind? I don't know your reasons for titling the poem that way, but it was a bit confusing for me.

Also, I think that you deviated in your rhyme scheme for the last paragraph.

You went from

A
B
C
A
B
C
B

in the first and second stanzas to

A
B
C
A
B
B
C

Again, was that intentional?

25-Jun-2012 16:25:57

moonrabbet

moonrabbet

Posts: 35 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
There's a war going on inside.
Days pass, days go by.

Counting.
Ever.
So.
Slowly.

How long before I can leave?
Is my inevitable escape just a tease?

Passing.
Ever.
So.
Slowly.

It's best to sit and pretend.
Wounds have become too mangled to mend.

Waiting.
Ever.
So.
Slowly.

You can't escape what you were born with.
But it makes life so difficult to live.

Will
I
Ever
Break free?

25-Jun-2012 17:27:59

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Emperor Worf,

Firstly, I left you the feedback you requested for your poem higher on the page. It is hidden beneath a comment directed to Cyun.

Secondly, thanks for the feedback. I think my word processor accidentally "corrected" the title of the poem -- it is supposed to be titled "ZEPHYROS", after the Greek God for the West Wind. In mythology his lover was playing with a man and, out of jealousy, he shifted with a gust the disk they were playing with, sending it careening into the man's head, killing him. I wanted to show the devastation it had on Hyakinthos. It's a vague allusion because I didn't want it to be tied down to allegory and, by that, lose its meaning.

With regard to the rhyming structure, I did mean to change it. I am a big fan of changing the metre or rhyme structure to demonstrate a point in poetry. In this case it was to emphasize the transition from present tense to future.

26-Jun-2012 03:28:30

Chosen Worf

Chosen Worf

Posts: 929 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Haha, I didn't think you would change the scheme without some purpose in mind.

Also, thanks for the detailed feedback. I don't claim to be a great poet, so I expected there to be a lot of things that could stand changing. I'll have to keep working at metered poetry, I guess.

Thanks again ;)

26-Jun-2012 15:01:45

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