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Snowbuster,

Thanks for the compliment. I, oddly enough, came up with the idea behind that poem in the midst of winter turning to spring. What an odd time for seasonal inspiration!

I like the odd and almost tonal rhyming of your own piece, though my grammarian snob reared its head at that poem ending in a preposition.

I think, though, that its message really fits well into a story I just crafted in my head. I think you should expand on it, because that's definitely a strong base from which to branch.

---
Cyun,

Thanks! Was there anything you thought I could improve on it? I'm thinking of working with it a lot, because it is such a lovely theme and idea.

With regards to your own poem, it was so different! I liked the lack of metre but consistent verse. It was an idiosyncratic take on free verse, I think, but it read well. My only thought was that the second to last stanza -- I quote it below -- didn't bear much effect. I think it's because I don't understand what a "heavy handled heart" is. At first I thought you said heavy-handed heart, and I thought that was a great allusion to a peremptory lover, but then I reread it and realized that wasn't at all what you said. Can you explain that?

Also, the verse is a bit off in it in the last two lines, but that's more of a personal taste, I think.

"Heavy handled heart
Bruised peaches ripped apart
I can see you've been crying silent
It hit me, as if like to you, another incident. "

21-Jun-2012 04:07:57 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2012 04:15:21 by Yrolg

21-Jun-2012 04:58:40

Thanks Yrolg for your comments

Regarding the "heavy handled heart", it signifies that the heart of the woman has been carelessly manipulated, and that her boyfriend had no consideration for her feelings. The "heavy handled" also gives the suggestion that her boyfriend had hit her.

For the last two lines in the penultimate stanza, I actually nearly did change them. I read it aloud and it sounded odd and jarred with the flow of the rest of the stanzas. However, I read it a few times more and I believe it actually slows the flow down and concentrates the reader to the last line. I think this is a good effect, as it is the moment when I actually realised what had happened, and conveys a sense of shock. However, if there was improvement to be made in my poem I would definitely do it here, as I think it's my weakest lines in the poem.

For improving your own poem, I must say it will be difficult. The theme is fantastic and I love the concept of "Though these woods of ours are dying, ll We boldly wear our suits of red". Also, Your imagery you give off is profound, and I don't think there lies any need for improvement there. The thing that I did not quite understand is your rhyming pattern. It goes:
A
B
A
B
C
C
D
E
D
E

It is a very symmetrical and effective pattern to give emphasis on the middle two lines. The only problem I had was that I couldn't see why you would want the reader to focus on the two middle lines in both stanzas, as I did not see them as special from the rest. They did not contain a change of mind or a realisation, or a switch in tone. I just couldn't understand why you would choose these lines to be prominent. However, I'm only picking up on this as I found it very difficult to say something constructive to improve your poem

21-Jun-2012 13:11:53

That was really interesting, Aeraie. I must say my favorite stanza by far was the third one. It brings some really powerful imagery to the poem. However, some of the stanzas were a bit confusing. The final stanza just seems like a conglomeration of earlier themes; but maybe that's just not my style.

Great submission, anyway

And Yrolg, I'd be really interested in hearing what you have to say about my "Sorrow of the Sea" poem on the previous page. It's the first metered poem I've written in a long time.

21-Jun-2012 13:17:59

21-Jun-2012 16:59:52

21-Jun-2012 20:42:55 - Last edited on 21-Jun-2012 20:55:07 by Cyun

21-Jun-2012 22:24:03

22-Jun-2012 14:58:43 - Last edited on 22-Jun-2012 14:59:08 by Chosen Worf

--- Marching Hymn ---

To war! To war!

A fighting force like none before
To be praised in songs of yore
Sword the tool, shield a friend
We march to bring the threat to end!

To war! To war!

Our beloved ones shall see no more
A coward's face before the door
From our throats a mighty shout
To set the enemy to rout!

To war! To war!

With pounding feet goes the corp'
To spill blood upon the moor
Come, shieldmate, and sing the song
For 'til the fight, it won't be long!

To war! To war!

---

Saw a crimson sky at sunset this evening, and it reminded me of The Two Towers.

23-Jun-2012 00:17:55 - Last edited on 23-Jun-2012 02:12:01 by Chosen Worf

23-Jun-2012 15:52:39