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Aeraie

Aeraie

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Was inspired to write this based off Cyun's poem "Reflection".

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?
A voice whispers deep with in
"Not I", it says, words filled with sin
Rage whips through me as I shout,
My self image cracks -- must I flout?
My hands smash the reflection
I gaze at my imperfection
In shatters strewn everywhere
Cruor covers without a care
I fall into blood and glass
But this spite has not come to pass
Mind spins wildly in a daze
Hellishly smile, eyes in a haze
Thoughts writhe in my cracked skull
Cogitation that I do cull
Mirror, mirror, on the floor
Who has the most rotten core?

09-Jul-2012 04:35:57

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"My self image cracks -- must I flout?
My hands smash the reflection
I gaze at my imperfection "

These were rather hard on the tongue, I think. The meter was thrown askew a bit by the emphasis of them.

Also, the cogitation line is a bit of a mystery to me. We're picking from thought? I suppose the metaphor is lost on me. :(

09-Jul-2012 04:53:39

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The meter is a 7,8,7,8 meter all the way throughout the poem until the final line, where it's 8,8 (Cogitation...Mirror, mirror).

I was going to use a different word that rhymed instead of cull, but it just wouldn't fit into meter. It's "Thought that I do select" as in the Queen selects the mirror, mirror thought again.


Thanks for the feedback, I do try to keep my poems at a high standard. I'll rework that one some other time, it was just something that came to mind as I reread one of Cyun's poems...just a rough draft.

09-Jul-2012 05:15:45

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Meter is more than mere syllable count; it is also a catalogue of stressed syllables too. I think that point was lost in those three lines still. It was on that stressed part that I was commenting, because I think for the most part the overall syllable count is consistent (though a diacritic, it it's even possible on the forums, might be useful over "cracked" in 'cracked skull' to demonstrate its multiple syllables).

In reference to the cogitation line, I understand now but perhaps there is a simpler way of putting it? Maybe "This selection I do pull" or "Over this my mind does mull" or whatever else you can think of.

09-Jul-2012 05:49:20

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I was thinking about doing mull, but it didn't give my piece the right impression. Really don't like how this selection I do pull fits into the poem. It's just kind of an awkward line, but it's not too bad.

I changed the tone of my piece multiple times throughout by sheer accident because I was distracted while writing it. Perhaps that section is the only noticeable portion of the tone change.

09-Jul-2012 06:12:07 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 06:12:22 by Aeraie

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The Machine

This is our
stew pot.
Where jocks deep fry
in their own testosterone,
and geek simmer in
the muscled coils of their own brains,
where pretty girls
and medium-rare boys
sizzle in their corners.
Where failure kids are neatly stuffed in the freezer,
written off by people who "know better,"
instructed not to go rancid
until after graduation.
Where popular kids
and invisible kids
are tenderized, pounded, and
measured out into perfect portions,
processed and packaged
and launched out into the real world
to be consumed.

11-Jul-2012 22:11:04

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Should You Go First

Should you go first and I remain,
to walk the road alone,
I'll live in memory garden,
with happy days we've known.

In spring I'll wait for roses red,
when lilac fades to blue,
In early fall when leaves call,
I'll catch a glimpse of you.

Should you go first and I remain,
For battles to be fought,
each thing you touch along the way,
would now be a hollow spot.

We've known so much happiness,
we've had our cups of joy,
And memories are gifts from us,
That death cannot destroy.

Should I go first and you remain,
One thing I'd ave to do:
Walk slowly down that path,
so some day I will follow you.

I'll walk each step that you took,
so that we will be the same,
On some day down the lonely road,
I will simply call your name.

11-Jul-2012 22:16:58

moonrabbet

moonrabbet

Posts: 35 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Get a grip.
We've done this before,
and we should know
now is not the time to quit.
So much to look foward to,
but it's all hard to see,
when you say you're done,
and I agree it's time to leave.
We've danced along the shores
for what seems like forever,
always getting promises of something better.
But it appears we've fallen in.
The ocean taking us,
but we've never learned how to swim.
It's hard to stay afloat,
when you, my heart, have no hope.

11-Jul-2012 23:20:23

Cyun

Cyun

Posts: 2,389 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Aeraie, I *love* "The Machine". Here is my latest poem:

~Bedtime~

Your sweet new breath, a precious vessel of life
Softly escaping your supple lips, oh so like my wife
And my eyes – azure lagoon, shut now in saggy lids
Mystic essence of buds, eggs, kittens and kids.

The starlight is ancient, like the primeval cycle here
Bathing your blessed head in liquid silver, a loving tear
You know nothing of the world, and the world of you
Full and spilling of potential, to love, to laugh, to do.

One day my dearest darling, my time here will be spent
Someday I’ll gain grey hairs, old skull and back bent
I’ll be washed and buried, to rot and decay, but in you
Oh in you, my cherished child, I shall be once more anew.

12-Jul-2012 11:40:48

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