RuneScape Forum Archive | Losing a Loved One

Jan

2003

Tuffty

Forum Moderator Posts: 152,160 Ruby Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

@CM Arbor my sincere condolences for the loss of your Father.

I know how hard it is to loose family as I've lost both my Mam in January 2005 and my Dad in August 2017.

My Mam had cancer 3 times. First in 2002. Got over that and then years later got a different 1. Had a huge operation and they said she would be fine. She was for 12 month then got another. This time sadly she had no chance. While in hospital she was giving a massive overdose of morphine which made her have a stroke and sadly 2 days later died. I saw her on the Friday laughing and joking with us and really looking good. We said bye to her and said see you Saturday. Thats the last time we talked to her. The hospital messed up big time and they killed her off. I had no idea about this until many years later when my Dad was on his death bed.

It was the most horried thing I've even gone through and I didn't want to go through it again ever. Sadly though in 2015 my Dad was told he had lung cancer. He had treatment for it and they said it worked well but he would not fully recover from it. Sadly though after being told to go on holiday and enjoy it as he was doing well. He came back not so good. He was rushed into hospital because he could not breath. They sorted him and were about to let him out when he had a bad turn. Sadly a week or so later he passed away. It hit me really hard becuse for the last 18-20 month of his life I saw him daily. Did all his shopping and drove him all over the place. To lose that and not see him any more was a huge black hole in my life it really hit me hard. I still suffer today from flashbacks. I have good days and some bad days and when the bad days hit me I just have to keep myself busy.

Losing any family member is really hard for anyone. They say it gets easier over time. I just wonder how long that time is as I really want it to get easier.

Now writing that helped me. I jsut need a tissue. Maybe 2.

PS. Talking about it helps. This thread has helped me. Comprehensive Account Security

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes!

01-Nov-2020 09:58:00

Jan

2006

Rooh

Forum Moderator Posts: 40,589 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

You have my sincerest sympathies Arbour, and my respect for posting this.

It can't have been easy to write about this but hopefully it shows that people care. <3

Both my parents are gone now, one of them due to Cancer, it's a horrible, horrible thing.
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss them.

Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

01-Nov-2020 12:16:03 - Last edited on 01-Nov-2020 12:33:20 by Rooh

Sep

2005

Megycal

Posts: 18,097 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and for everyone else who has posted about their experiences
I've lost 7 people close to me over the past 28 years, my parents, a very good friend, my parents in law and 2 of my 3 brothers. Both brothers were over 10 years younger than me so I didn't expect them to die before I did. My older brother is 11 years older than I am and he's still going strong.
There is no correct way to grieve, it varies for everyone and even for each death according to the circumstances. Take each day as it comes, its quite common to not know how you feel when asked. You just know you have a person shaped hole in your life.
Two of those I have lost were due to cancer and in each case I felt guilty for feeling relieved they weren't suffering anymore. Later the grief would come in waves, I'd forget for a while then it'd hit me that they were gone. I still sometimes dream my parents are still alive. It doesn't happen very often now and I no longer wake up crying.
The saying that time is a great healer is mostly correct..its just that the time needed varies a lot.

01-Nov-2020 13:45:06 - Last edited on 01-Nov-2020 14:15:42 by Megycal

Brigantia

Posts: 17,674 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father.

Sending e-hugs!

When I was 9 years old, one of my cousins sadly passed away. To my understanding, she'd had a bad asthma attack that collapsed one of her lungs. It was sudden, and came as a shock to everyone. It was about a week and a half before her 11th birthday.

The odd thing about the experience is while it was sad, I'd actually cried about never seeing her again a couple of weeks earlier.

Back in 2015, my grandmother passed away. Again, fairly sudden in the news that she'd had a heart attack, but she passed away about 11 days later.

For me, both of those losses were very difficult. Especially my grandmother. My family has had an odd tradition in dealing with death. On the night of their passing, we do not sleep, and instead we stay up talking and laughing and enjoying the memories we had of their life. I guess it could be morbid, but it's something I grew up with. Sure there's crying and hugging, but there's also smiles and laughter.

My family tends to focus more on their life, what we had, rather than what's lost.

I suppose I do feel permanently changed from those experiences, but it's a part of life that these things happen.

I don't have any advice aside from it's ok to feel grief, and it's ok to cry. Deal with it at your own pace.

Arrr! Only th' Devil an' I know th' where'bouts o' me treasure, an' th' one o' us who lives th' longes' should take i' all.

@CapnBrigantia

01-Nov-2020 14:13:31

Averia Light

Posts: 28,508 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Both my husband and I have dealt with significant trauma in our pasts and we both reacted about the same way as you in response to death. Just numbness and not really knowing how to feel, but knowing we probably should feel something. Then, we wondered what the hell was wrong with us for not feeling anything, however we also had flashbacks (intense emotions felt during the moment of trauma via a trigger). It is worth nothing that we both also experienced extreme emotions at the time of death, but then just went numb for months on end (except for those flashbacks).

Anyway, dissociation may be something you want to look into. Most people experience it to some degree, but if it is persistent, it may be a problem. Also, be really gentle with yourself these upcoming holidays as that is when it usually hits people the hardest.

Please note that I am not definitively saying anything about you. Just giving my 2 cents that may or may not be helpful. I am also in therapy over all of this right now so for all I know this is just a projection over what I am feeling right now.

Best of luck. If you are curious about the subject, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD is very informative. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

01-Nov-2020 16:56:10 - Last edited on 01-Nov-2020 17:05:48 by Averia Light

vonSageworth

Posts: 1,752 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I lost both of my parents and my brother. I'm the only one left. My Sister-in-Law are very close, always have been.

Grief is something you have to work through yourself. You can't put a time limit on grief, either. My Mom grieved for a year after my Dad passed away, but she never really got over it. I grieved the hardest with my brother because I wasn't able to be with him through his illness. My Dad passed in the hospital shortly after surgery. My Mom passed away at home from cancer. I was her Caregiver throughout the entire process.

There's a Non-Denominational Church a few miles from me that has a grieving group. They were very helpful. I suggest you seek out one in your area.

When you're grieving, the worse thing you can do is hold it in. That tension and heartache needs to be released in order to heal. Holding it in is not healing. If you feel like crying, it's OK. No one is going to think of you as being weak. I cried many tears alone in my bedroom (no one there to judge) and in front of comforting friends.

I am truly sorry for your loss. In time, your grief will turn into good memories. It's a natural process that even animals who mate for life go through.

Music is the Heartbeat of the World

Let's flip a coin; heads I win, tails you lose. Fair enough?

01-Nov-2020 17:12:55

99 Div Skill

Posts: 575 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

As a known troll, I would commend you on your bravery posting this on the internet. You and so many others could be in a bad place in the lockdown. I hope people realise the pain is because they meant something, as you continue to mean something to those around you.

01-Nov-2020 20:00:05

Jun

2023

Mauhur

Posts: 861 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Condolences to all who have lost loved ones recently.

I lost my great-grandmother back in Dec. 2012. She was 100 years old and her physical fitness and mental awareness was getting progressively worse annually starting in 2008. It was not nice and it didn't help the Sandy Hook massacre took place at around the same time, too.

This year I also lost a couple pet rabbits. I lost a dwarf rabbit in January to stomach problems and my Dutch Rabbit died in late July of congestive heart failure. Things haven't been the same since and my last rabbit hasn't been the same, either. I still fret about not getting them to see a vet sooner, but the prices the vets charge where I live are huge. Honestly, it just reinforced my belief that dogs and cats get special treatment and more discounts than other common pet animals do.

As for advice, I'd say you shouldn't dwell in the past. Otherwise, it'll make moving on much more difficult. Life's too short to think of what if scenarios out of our control.

02-Nov-2020 02:59:49

Jul

2004

Ms Toxicity

Forum Moderator Posts: 78,314 Emerald Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

CM Arbor, I am very sorry for your loss.

I lost my father due to cancer 11 years ago. The family was informed that he had terminal mesothelioma the previous year and although we had time to "prepare", his passing still hit us very hard. My father was a strong man and held on for my mother, so that she would have support from her brother, when he flew back from the States. I won't bore you with the details but my father held on for two weeks until said only brother finally arrived. As soon as he landed, my father finally let go.

How one deals with grief is very personal. For our family, it came as a relief that he was no longer in pain or suffering. My next emotion was extreme anger for my uncle, who made my father wait. Even to this day, I am not on speaking terms with him. My grief then transformed into a massive sense of loss, as I was my father's daughter. With time, my grief has morphed into wonderful memories, such as of his patience, in trying to teach me how to ride a bike. I won't tell you how long it took but a lesser man would have given up.

As a survivor of a rare cancer (metastatic basal cell carcinoma) four times in the same location in my neck - burrowing deeper each time, I am grateful for every day I have on the planet. You can see the scars I have from this battle (large skin graft, lost clavicles, manubrium, part of sternum, neck reconstruction and a wide array of immunotherapy induced health issues). However, I wear them with pride, because I fought.

@Haukur, your philosophy is that of my own. I hope that you are remaining well.

Edit:

Punctuation for clarity.

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02-Nov-2020 10:31:55 - Last edited on 02-Nov-2020 10:50:12 by Ms Toxicity

Aug

2008

Theos

Forum Moderator Posts: 23,574 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Arbor - It takes great strength to share what you posted, and I can only imagine the pain you're growing through. Losing a family member is one of the toughest pains anyone ever experience. I have lost my grandmother on my father's side, but I didn't have a relationship with her. I have the utmost empathy, and I think that someone going through that process has to accept that it is going to take time to adapt to life. I, personally, would try to focus on ways to make that person proud and would look for ways to also do things in their honor. Everyone has a way of doing this; for some finishing a degree in the university they also said they would do, getting a tattoo in their honor, etc.

Also, like you Arbor I tend to "compare things too much". Social media can be toxic for this reason. Sometimes we see the lives of others, or what they have and compare it to what we think we should have. I think it is also a good idea to step back, and try to ask ourselves crucial questions to make sure we're striving for happiness.

The pain that you're experiencing, and your journey mourning and adapting to your loss is unique. I commend you on being vulnerable, and sharing what you're currently going through with this community and I have seen several people posting to comfort you. Seeing this shows me the "true beauty of the RS community". Sometimes the internet has drama, trolls, etc but on this thread I think we've seen glimpses of how incredibly supportive the RS community is.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, Arbor.

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02-Nov-2020 14:11:30

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Losing a Loved One