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~Arthas's Semi-Review~

Here it is, Arthas. I kind of decided to write a partly a review, though I am not very good at them so think of this as a semi-review. I may point out a lot of things, but it was really well done Arthas. I enjoyed this story greatly.
When first reading your story Arthas I actually thought it was going to be very interesting. A boy becomes a dragon and will probably end up one sick adventure. From the first post you drew me in, which is very hard to do. I really like how you made it in first person; I got more of a sense of how the newly changed dragon felt like. There were two things that kind of disturbed the reading though, one of them grammar.
“~Wait... leg?!~ “
When writing prose it is would be wise to avoid interjections (I?), as they aren’t really supposed to be used in the kind of story you’re writing. Then again, this dragon is very worried, and the best way to show that would be to italicize that. But unfortunately you can’t, so I will let it pass. Just think about avoiding those interjections and just describe how worried he was.
“the long face of a young, *handsome* green dragon stared back at me.”
Your description is great in the first paragraph, yet I feel the word handsome is in a bad position. I myself think reptiles are scaly and gross, and would hate to touch one, let alone be one. If I looked into the water and saw myself as a dragon, me being handsome would be the last thing from my mind. If anything It would be a hundred times worse than any acne attack.
Then we read on through the chapters. It is still interesting for me, as you have put on the suspense very well. It has only taken a short time to realize that you describe everything, so that is probably your strong suit. I will be curious to find out when I read on if you are able to balance it with other writing elements. Another thing I found on the first page:
“slt eyes,”

13-Jul-2009 23:22:40

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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You actually spelled slit wrong twice on the first page, if that was what you were trying to spell. No more grammar pointing, I want to focus on the style.
At the end of chapter two the red dragon was walking towards Aaron. Then suddenly, he wakes up in a table. We find out later that Aaron had fainted, but from what? He see’s a red dragon and faints spontaneously. If anything at all he should have fainted from seeing himself for the first time! Sorry, I just think this is a tad unrealistic for me. Young boys (or dragons, to my knowledge) don’t faint that easily. I may be going harsh, but I feel nit-picky today.
Then you do describe Skye marvelously. It’s interesting how it says friends for life, though if I was Aaron I wouldn’t feel compelled to be friends right away. He just brought me somewhere I have never been. Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Anyways, I assume that Skye’s friendship is a large part in the story show I will let it slide. You show latter that Skye is friendly. I would’ve made Aaron a little more anxious then he was at the beginning of meeting him, though.
“As we stepped through the doorway, I found myself in a small village. Well, relatively small, anyway; the houses were large, but there was a small number of them.”
When ready this I realized I did*’t like it, only because you stated small three times in two sentences. Think about changing it.
The meeting with Seldah was once again descriptive, though one of the things I think is very important is dialogue. It has to be real.
“"I'd say about two months old, give or take... my friend was three years old."”
The, “my friend was three years old” for some reason just sounds like to much. I don’t know how, but I don’t think you should say two ages in one sentence, or even one sentence beside the other. It just sounds...awkward. Consider leaving out the older dragon’s age unless it is relevant to the story. You already said he was older earlier so that could be enough.

13-Jul-2009 23:23:01

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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“"Beware of the dark dragons, Aaron; they are evil, twisted *dragons* that live near Mount Raynor to the north." “
You already have said dragons previously and the repetition does not sound good when read aloud. Think about changing it to evil, twisted creatures. Overall interesting. You finally add an antagonist. I hope you do well with it.
I found the A.*.*s detracting to the story. Every time I read one it was like I was being brought back to reality, instead of the world you created. Some of them are useful, but a couple I have seen are just facts that can be worded slyly into the story.

“its name I would later find out from Seeldah was 'The Endrick River'”
Very few landmarks or places have a “The” in their name. I suggest changing it to just Endrick River.
“Twice it nailed me right in the face”
After everything I have heard Aaron say, this is too childish of a sentence, even for him. Aaron has been talking about the animal writhing in pain and then he uses a word like that? Think about: Twice is struck me in the face.
And then we are finishing flying lessons with a vague but interesting fight. One thing I did*’t like. He faints again! This time you give it a good reason. But what has this been, the third time now? I just think they’re other ways to end your chapters without Aaron having to fade from reality. But at least this faint sounds believe. Blood loss—I can understand that.

Chapter five I loved! But again with those A.*.*s! Sorry but saying “Think Gremlin” is a very poor way to imply something in my mind. You go ahead with all this suspense building previously and you go and give away the secret just like that! Unacceptable! Does not compute! Maybe have Aaron freak out by his breathing getting tense and when Seeldah notices she calms he down by informing him what the creature is.

13-Jul-2009 23:23:37

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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Once again marvelous description and plot, but I feel dialogue is being left in the dust, with it being sometimes unrealistic or other reasons. Try to bring it up to the same standard as your description and you will have a phenomenal story.
Another thing I don’t like was that Skye seemed more (what*s the word) rejuvenated then Aaron was, yet, he was in the avian’s mouth. Shouldn’t Aaron have been the first to wake up since Skye (to my knowledge) sustained heavier damage in battle?
“I can't explain exactly what had happened that day, but I felt that something great had happened... “
Two “Happened’s” doesn’t flow very well. I will leave that up on your shoulders if you want to change it.
At the end of Part 1 I felt it was a crying moment. He was finally ready to give it all behind. Now if I have to nit-pick at something it’s just that this felt like it came a little fast. I felt like I only just started and he’s already such a dragon.
Anyways the fact that Aaron decided to give up on his human life—especially his family—is a real turning point. A perfect end to Part 1—superb job Arthas!

“This is where everything goes downhill for Aaron. Part II, ironically, is gonna be a lot shorter than Part I. At the end of Part I, Aaron finally submits to the fact that he is a dragon forever and is now trying to start a new life for himself. But his destiny lies to the north, where the forces of evil are growing stronger.... Part II will be the end of the Story. “

13-Jul-2009 23:24:08

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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To be honest I don’t like authors adding in anything that isn’t actually the story into the middle of the story. I am find with authors talking at the beginning, or adding a postscript at the end, but something like this just doesn’t appeal to me. Why do you have to say it will go downhill for Aaron? We will figure that ourselves when reading it. Why did you say it’s shorter? And we already know Aaron realizes he will be a dragon forever so why are you saying this all again, but in an author’s view. It just sucks me out of the world you created and sometimes, for a reader, it’s hard to get back in.
Anyways your poem was good work. It’s not your best, but still better then some poems I have seen around the forums.

“we discovered his name when we went in search of the avians' eyrie further down the valley to the east. When we arrived, we discovered that the avians were in a time of famine- their natural prey”
I am sorry I am pointing so many of these out but the flow doesn’t sound as flowy (I know that’s not a word lol) yet. Probably because you used discovered twice. Not only that, but in the next two sentences you use the word “Attack” twice. You really have a thing for repetition.
“Celmax has been missing for five-fundred eighty years,*
I think the word you were going for was “Hundred”, not *Fundred.”

~'...and the Light of Raynor will purge the darkness,'~
For this thought you used both tildes and quotation marks. Now, I expect this is just an unnoticed mistakes as you have always until now used tildes. Just pointing it out for you.
When Seeldah saw Jerek’s decapitated head I was felt it was a little odd. She show’s remorse but she isn’t horrified from seeing just a head? You don’t have to change it because dragon’s must be aggressive creatures and Seeldah is a dragon of course, but I just felt it was weird, because it wouldn’t be my reaction (as a human).
“ "Aaron... will destroy you, you bstrd..."”

13-Jul-2009 23:37:26

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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Okay, I myself know how swears can amplify the intensity of a story, but you are using your swear in a bad spot. Scratch that—you shouldn’t even be using it in this story. Fantasy stories—especially about dragons, that I have read of—don’t swear. I just feel the dragon language wouldn’t have this word. In my opinion swears are only for humans. Besides, trying to take out words to avoid the censor is against the rules, to my knowledge.
Reading on, I realized a tool that you overuse. Ellipses. Ellipses can be helpful when used correctly, but in a paragraph like this:
“I closed my eyes, waiting for the flames to hit, happy that it was finally over.... I remembered that morning, four months ago, when I awoke to discover myself turned into a dragon... I remembered my first attempt at flying and how, in doing so, I met Seeldah for the very first time... I remembered how I met Skye after he rescued me- a complete stranger, an amnesiac dragon, and someone he had never met before nor knew anything about, yet he had helped nevertheless... I remembered my first flying lesson with Skye and how, consequently, we met Maereth... I remembered how I breathed fire for the first time to save Skye's life... it wasn't until that very moment, that I realized just how much it all meant to me, every moment of it... ~My only regret... is that I won't see how it all ends....~”
I count eight ellipses! Every time Aaron has a revelation doesn’t mean you need ellipses. And even after that paragraph you have at least four in all the other paragraphs following it. They seem to me like they are your favorite kid of punctuation. It might be prudent to exercise discretion with them. Too many can make the story sound to droning. And you have almost one per paragraph when can almost feel like a nuisance.

13-Jul-2009 23:38:26

Dark Enmity

Dark Enmity

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All in all it was enjoyable. I must admit the ending wasn’t a masterpiece, but it will give me that suspense to read the next in the series. Your description is absolutely magnificent. Really, that is by far your best. I loved the plot, it felt really upbeat and fun to read. The way how Aaron kept learning more about his dragonhood was brilliant—first flying then breathing, hopefully more will come.
I am sorry that I pointed so my errors, but trust me, your story had more strengths then faults. It was a good reading.
Things I did*’t like was just that it was too short. Really, there is so much in your story and it only took about two hours to read. It needs to be stretched out (now, I know it’s to late for you to do that now, but think about stretching out the next story you write). I did*’t like how Aaron just went to places, like in the end when he went to Takeron. In one scene he was in the village, then immediately after he was with the white dragon. You probably could have added more of an adventure with Aaron journeying there.
Sometimes your dialogue wasn’t real enough for me but I still thought it was well done. That only leaves one thing left: the ellipses really bothered me. They’re were just way too many, and they are supposed to be used sparingly. Most of the places you used them would have been completely find with a period. You don’t have to change them as that would take a lot of work but think about using them in rarity with your next story.
That’s all. I hope you aren’t discouraged by this—your story was great, and I actually want to read on next in the series. I just wanted to point these things out to help you. Happy writing!

13-Jul-2009 23:39:25

[#45SO12LQO]

[#45SO12LQO]

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Nice but the very end was wierd. How would a security guard get a gun and we need a little more detail about him jumping out of the window. He needs to feel some sort of force compelling him to follow it and more time as he falls. And he wouldn't be happy if he had died. He is still alive in spirit aka he would still be very shocked he was dead and confused as to what was happening to him. have him dragged away towards the crystal by its power as he begs for help. Makes it more fun. Be cruel to be kind. I am doing the same for the one I am writing currently. People are going to hate me for the ending...
Just to say that I really mean this. Seriously you need him in shock. If he is confident then it ruins the plot. Fix this.

14-Jul-2009 16:12:47 - Last edited on 14-Jul-2009 16:14:12 by [#45SO12LQO]

[#45SO12LQO]

[#45SO12LQO]

Posts: 1,182 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Put more shock for the people in the lobby. I want screaming and people fleeing. Make his father fear him. Make him feel alone. Sorry but hurting people in you story makes it better. I love to do that. Take skye for example. Perfect killing.

14-Jul-2009 16:18:01

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