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Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Mitch's response:

“Even when depressed, so very depressed, to commit suicide required the kind of courage he knew he did not possess.”
The pause “so very depressed* I feel would be better surround by a dash mark. ???
--I had thought about that previously. At the time I decided the dash marks were too in-your-face that the older Ronny is being patronizing to his younger self. But the dash marks definitely will make the grammatical structure clearer.
“No one told him why he was important, or why he must live on, though at heart he’d much rather there be a reason.”
The comma after “important” should be removed. And this sentence sounds weird to me. I think it needs to be restructured because it’s not that he prefers reason. In this case, it seems like he strives for it. There’s no, “though he prefers,” in this case. How does this sound?
--In this case it’s not that he strives for reason, but it is comforting for his young heart to know that there is a legitimate reason that he should stay alive.
“But by staying, doing nothing about his feelings, he felt he was doing his family a favour of some sort, if his presence saved them grief – a charitable act surely, with its rewards at the end. –“
“Doing nothing about his feelings,” should be surround by a dash mark, not a comma. The dash marks pretty much mean “that is.” It sounds better when represented as, “But by staying, that is, doing nothing his feelings, he felt…”
--I’m considering changing this to “But by staying (and doing nothing about his feelings), he felt…”
”The end of this sentence also feels incomplete. I think it should be split into two, ending at “sort.” The second sentence should be rewritten as, “If his presence saved them grief—a charitable act surely—it will have its rewards in the end.”

26-Aug-2011 15:47:54

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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--I don’t think it’s incomplete. ‘He felt he was doing his family a favour of some sort, if his presence saved them grief’ is a complete clause. The dash indicates an aside that has a slightly different tone.
“Why was he living for other people, when he should be living for himself?”
Remove the comma.
--Removing this comma really doesn’t read that well :|
“And, amongst other things, why should he be nice to others, when they weren’t nice to him in the first place?”
Commas after “and” and “when” should be removed.
--I’m removing the sentence up to ‘things’. And I’m keeping the comma for the above reason.
“He came to the conclusion that maybe he was the special one, the unique being in this world, although not so lucky now that he was stranded in a world full of shallow people, surrounding him like an impenetrable wall, drowning him.”
Comma after “people” should be removed.
--I’d read up a bit about restrictive/non-restrictive clauses before responding to this one. It has something to do with that which made this comma structurally essential.
“But, despite having told his family on multiple occasions that he suffered clinical depression, an illness that certainly demanded…”
Remove comma after “but.”
--Yes, this comma is unnecessary.
“Ronny lay relaxed in his own, single bed, breathing slowly as he drifted back into consciousness, and into the world he wished he did not belong.”
Shouldn’t lay be laid? The comma after “own” should be removed since it’s his own single bed, not his own bed and single bed. The comma after “consciousness” should also be removed.
--Laid is not correct. That’s because ‘lie’ is an intransitive verb and ‘lay’ is transitive. You lie yourself down on the bed but you lay down your weapons. The past tense of lie is lay and the past tense of lay is laid. The commas should be removed, however.

26-Aug-2011 15:48:16

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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“Beneath the duvet, he felt through the fabric of his pyjamas the presence of some much warmer air, trapped against his own body since last night, and now humid, which made him uncomfortable.”
The end of that sentence isn’t exactly correct. I would correct it to this:
--Was it to do with the tense? If not, could I just remove the ‘and’ and replace the comma with say, a dash?
“He would peek outside the window and investigate that laughter in the back garden, perhaps Edward messing around with his terrible friends, and discover what was so funny.”
Why did you suddenly start writing in the future tense when everything else is in the past tense? Huh. Weird. I would fix that. Also, I have no idea what you’re trying to say at the end. Are you trying to say Edward is messing around with his terrible friends and discovering what is funny? Or are you trying to say that this kid is going to discover what Edward and his terrible friends find funny?
--I don’t think this is future tense. This is ‘Conditional’ tense, because he would do these providing if he had actually woken up (which he did*’t because he was still on the bed). It’s like when people say, ‘I would come to the party if I haven’t been grounded by my mum.’ – not ‘will’. And I meant your latter suggestion. Ronny had no idea what’s outside his window, so the middle clause was a complete guess on his part.
“He regretted that a little, because it was clearly an invasion of a sort from Edward, meddling with his private affairs.”
No commas are needed.
--The first one isn’t. The second is needed.
“He told Ronny on a few occasions that, years ago, when he was still young and handsome, like Edward, he took down a fully grown troll…”
Comma after “that” and comma after “handsome” should be removed. Those commas are really unnecessary to get your point across. Some pauses aren’t necessary. That is one.

26-Aug-2011 15:49:02

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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--I’ll remove the comma after that. But I’m putting dash marks around ‘like Edward’ because it is an aside and removing one comma doesn’t make sense.
“And, like Edward, who in every way reminded the King of his younger days, he too in his prime enjoyed horse riding and archery, both to Ronny were more of an affliction than favourite pastimes.”
Comma after “and” shouldn’t be there. The comma after “archery” should just be a period and a new sentence should begin.
--Like the above, I’ll remove the first comma. But I don’t see any reason to cut the sentence off at that point.
“But how could a father love a son, in whom he saw nothing of himself despite giving him his name”
Another unnecessary pause after “son.” Remove the comma.
--Yes, this is unnecessary.
“Sometimes Ronny sighed with sadness, knowing full well that she wouldn’t understand him anymore, like she used to.”
Comma after “anyone” should be removed. Unnecessary pause. (Seems like the theme of this story.)
--I’ll be removing both the comma and anymore. Anymore and used to both mean the same thing.
“That night, she lay motionless, on the ground, and the King feared the worse.”
“Lay” should be “laid,” the comma after “motionless” shouldn’t be there, and “worse” should be “worst.”
--I’ll make all the changes except the ‘lay’, due to the reason explained above.
“…Ronny couldn’t help but let the images of Edward pouring into his mind like a terrible disease.”
Pouring should be pour.
--Yes, you’re correct there.
“Edward showed him the first movement of a symphony that he’d written at his age, which actually followed the rules of counterpoint and have a logical harmonic progression, as well as proper cadences.”
I see you know a thing or two about music. I like this. On a more serious note, have should be has. The subject is symphony, so the verb tense must agree with the singular subject.

26-Aug-2011 15:49:39

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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--A thing or two? Well, I study music in a music college. I studied Cantus Firmus. And I’d probably change it to had, since it’s past tense.
“He didn't mind his little brother being so often unkind to him, or for that matter, showed no gratitude.”
Showed should be showing.
--Yep, will change this.
“In the past, Ronny had wanted to be a soldier when he was older, to serve his country, and his father was delighted, almost too supportive of that notion, believing it would turn Ronny finally into a man.”
Comma after “older” doesn’t need to be there. I don’t see the point in the pause at least. And in the last part of the sentence, it should look like this:
“…believing it would finally turn Ronny into a man.”
--I’m changing the comma after country to a full stop, removing the ‘and’ after. I’ll relocate the ‘finally’.
“In his mind, life would’ve been easier were Edward not there at all.”
Replace were with if and add was in front of not. Sounds better.
--I’ll add the if, but I will keep the ‘were’ because this is the subjunctive tense, as this is mere wishful thinking.
“…preparations preceded their arrival kept all staff in a foul mood.”
Preceded should be in the -ing tense here.
--Any explanation for this?
“The enormity of the task… …wiped the smile from their faces.”
Smile seems a little different from the other words. Smile should be plural.
--I agree with the plural, but wiping the smile off someone’s face is a common phrase in the UK.
“Suddenly the food, roast chicken, fish pies and salad, was their refuge.”
The comma after food should be a colon, starting a list of food. The subject and predicate do agree here which is good.
--Comma here not grammatically incorrect.
“Edward was calling for Jasmine from outside the bathroom, in vain.”
The comma after bathroom doesn’t need to be there.
--It does. This sentence reads horribly without the comma.
“Edward knew she wouldn’t come out, and Ronny knew that neither did he want her to.”

26-Aug-2011 15:49:58

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The end should be changed to: “…and Ronny knew that he did*’t want her to.”
--Again, not providing any reason, I don’t see the advantage of your suggestion. It sounds less nuanced.
“Eventually, everybody went about their own businesses, leaving Ronny to find his own entertainment for the evening.”
Here is a subject/predicate error. Everybody is a singular subject, so you must change their to his/her and businesses to business.
--Changing the business will suffice.
“It was the urge to write, not an assignment, but a story.*
Dash mark after “write.”
--Again, comma is not grammatically incorrect here. This is not a dramatic moment or revelation, nor does the tone require an elaborate punctuation that draws attention to itself.
“Ronny flung himself at Edward furiously, trying to do some real damage, and Edward laughed at him, or at least his efforts, subdued him easily since he was almost twice his size…”
Subdued should be in the -ing tense.
--It was not an ongoing action. I’d probably add ‘had’ before ‘flung’ just to make this clearer that it is in the plueperfect tense.
“But that must happen first thing, tomorrow morning.”
What is the comma after “thing” doing there? It is far from needed.
--It is there because the reading voice commands it, and therefore it is needed.
“Suddenly his heart skipped a beat when he saw two, large yellow eyes advancing towards him, glaring at him from a few yards out in the darkness.”
Here you made a grammatical error that I wasn’t expecting from you. The comma shouldn’t be after two. It should be after large. The way you have it, two and large describes the word yellow. Everybody knows that is not true.
--Mmm, I thought I’d erased this mistake already. Thanks for spotting that.
“He knew that his innocence was lost, and when he last took the very same steps he was still a child, his problems and worries were small and insignificant.*
Semi-colon after child.

26-Aug-2011 15:50:30

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
--Semicolon could work, but once again, a comma is not grammatically incorrect here, so I won’t change that unless there’s an overwhelming advantage of using a semicolon.
“It was peculiar, because from the blond hair and the curve of his face Ronny recognised Edward’s companion…”
The comma after peculiar doesn’t need to be instead. Instead, put it after face.
--I actually think both my version and yours work.
“‘Before or after she’s drenched me?’”
There should be no apostrophe s in the word she.
--apostrophe s is short for ‘has*. What exactly is grammatically wrong about this?
*They absorbed his statement and let silence settled around them again.”
Settled shouldn’t have the d at the end.
--Yep that’s right.
“Being the keeper of a terrible secret certainly helped his confidence, and it made him restless, and impossible to sleep.”
This just seems weird grammatically. I suggest changing the comma to a dash mark and just remove the conjunction “and” completely.
--I’m replacing ‘and’ with but and removing the comma after restless. Also ‘Found it’ before impossible.
“He replayed the whole scene in his mind, his heart throbbed with excitement as he once again recalled every detail…”
Throbbed should have the -ing ending.
--Not really? The older Ronny here is recounting his own experience, and that was not in past continuous tense.
“Though the details of the event never changed, his perception of it would, in the coming years…”
Remove the comma after would and put would after years.
--I removed the comma, but I don’t see a need to rearrange the word.
"What he saw was Edward, in love, and that was all there was to it…”
Comma after Edward is not needed—another pointless pause that doesn’t give justice to the story.
--‘In love’ deserves the emphasis in here. Don’t you think, given the context of the story, that this is highlighted?

26-Aug-2011 15:50:55

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