RuneScape Forum Archive | ~~Brotherly Love~~

Englishkid62

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“That was the simple truth he’d failed to grasp that evening, that it was an affair of the adult world and therefore none of his business.”
The comma should be a dash mark.
--Not necessarily. There are plenty of sentences in published novels with the same sentence structure and comma is acceptable.
“Ronny was incredibly happy, and he’d forgotten why until Edward stepped out of his own room, further down the corridor.”
Comma after room should be removed.
--I would disagree.
“Then, he understood the world differently, and now he saw everything that he had lost.”
Remove the comma after “then.”
--This ‘then’ refers to a certain amount of time before, not the usual then. The comma is therefore necessary. However, I might remove the comma after differently.
“…he flicked to the first page of the book, The History of Isafdar, he couldn’t help but recall…”
I know you can’t underline the title of the book on the forums, but something like quotation marks would be nice to notate titles.
--The proper noun and capitalisation should do it, really. Providing the author does not capitalise too much in other places

“Maybe he could ask him about it later, and demand the truth.”
A comma that isn’t needed is in this sentence.
--True. I’ll remove it.
“…and he wanted to kiss it goodbye but ended up waving instead, just before he buried it.”
The comma there isn’t needed.
--It doesn’t read well without the comma, I’m afraid.
“…even when the rest of the world belonged to Edward, here, in that dark casket was where Ronny achieved his ultimate victory.”
Comma after casket would be nice.
--Nah, I don’t think this one’s needed

.
“The Kings had to encourage conversation between Edward and Jasmine, both were unresponsive to questions and prompts.”
The comma should be a semi-colon. Both parts are independent clauses.

26-Aug-2011 15:51:18

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

--Disagreed. Although it would be grammatically correct to put the semicolon there, it would also be correct to put in comma or a full stop. Context-wise however, a comma makes more sense than a full stop and there’s nothing wrong with keeping the comma.
“So many possibilities crossed Edward’s mind at that moment, he was impossible to stay calm.”
The comma should be a semi-colon, and the second clause should be rephrased to something like: “it was impossible for him to stay calm.”
--You seemed to have read the sentence in two parts; it should be read as one.
“It was in his intention to follow up on what was said because, not only to satisfy his own curiosity, but also, if Ronny really did know something, he had to make sure his brother was fine with it.”
Take out also and its comma. It is quite the interrupter.
--I don’t quite like the amendment you proposed.
“Better to tell him in person, than to have a freaked out brother, who could do anything.”
No commas are needed in this sentence.
--I’ll remove the first, but not the second.
“…the subject was dropped soon after, when the King again...”
Once again, the comma isn’t needed.
--You’re right; it’s not.
*Maybe Ronny’s intention was to allow time for him to wonder how much he really knew, and savour his agony that came when the answer was maliciously held.”
Relook at this sentence. The structure is weird and difficult to understand.
--How about this, ‘Maybe Ronny’s intention was to allow time for Edward to wonder how much he really knew, and savour his brother’s agony when the answer was maliciously held.’
“Edward smiled to himself as a squire approached, reluctantly, and informed him that the King requested his audience immediately in the dining hall.”
Rid yourself of the commas and put reluctantly before approached.
--I disagree. You changed the tone completely.
“…and spare his family one, violent shock.”

26-Aug-2011 15:52:00

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The one shock is a violent shock, so remove the comma. It’s one violent shock.
--Agreed.
“…if his father knew, he could still be stripped of his title, exiled from the palace.”
Dash mark after title, not a comma.
--I’m replacing the comma with ‘and’.
“Before him lay a treacherous path, should he decide to drop the pretence, the mask he was forced to wear.”
Lay should be lies, I think. Lay sounds wrong, but I can’t exactly figure out what is correct. And the sentence doesn’t feel complete. Maybe something like this would work better:
“Before him lies a treacherous path—having to take off his mask, to admit what was hidden.”
I’m not sure if that’s how you want it, but what I put seems more complete.
--Lay is correct. Lay is the past tense of lie. And the last clause is an elaboration of the word ‘pretence’, so there’s nothing wrong with it.
“‘He is my boyfriend, Father,’ Edward said, bravely.”
The comma after said isn’t necessary again.
--I’ll remove it.
“How dared he?”
Is this even supposed to be a question? Also, dared should just be dare.
--It starts with "how". Aren’t you then questioning someone's audacity?
“The royal family has always some secrets or the other and only on his death bed did the King reveal what he was thinking then, in that dining hall, and what caused him to make the decision afterwards.”
Switch has and always. Is or supposed to be of? This is a little confusing.
--Has and always are in the right places. But I’ll change the other to ‘another’. Perhaps it clears things up.
“Ronny sat back as he watched Edward and his father debated for minutes on end, both too stubborn to back down, both failing to convince the other.”
Debated should just be debate.
--Correct.
“To Ronny’s surprise in his brother’s eyes was not fear or sadness – it was hatred.”
Comma after surprise.
--I’ll gladly add that.

26-Aug-2011 15:52:26

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

*It was resentment, and anger at everything around him in this hall, everything he once loved, believed and stood for, with perhaps Tyler his only exception.”
The comma after resentment doesn’t need to be there, and the comma after hall should be a dash mark.
--I’ll take the comma off, but I won’t replace the other comma with a dash mark since it isn’t appropriate.
*Nobody knew how much exactly she understood the situation.”
Put exactly before how.
--Will do.
“…it gives them blind faith that the future would work out just right for them, as long as they believed.”
The comma after them should either be removed or replaced with a dash mark. It’s a stylistic choice on your part there. Also, believed should just be believe.
--Without the comma it doesn’t read right.
“With their belief, they can commit atrocities in the name of their god, without any conscience or regret, similar to that of a madman, totally convinced they are doing the right thing.”
If you’re talking about all people believing in different religions, belief should be plural. Are you talking about religion and the word belief as a singular subject? If so, then this works, but it just seems weird to me. If it’s not, change it. The entire paragraph will have to be looked at in order to correct everything. Also, the commas after God (capitalize your proper noun please) and madman don’t need to be there.
--Beliefs probably fits here. Comma after god may be removed but the one after madman needs to stay. And this particular god is not a proper noun, because everybody believe in different (but a single) god.
“They can do frightening things to people, in their god’s name, end lives, and at the end, feel nothing.”
Capitalize God again. The comma after people doesn’t need to be there. Also, the comma after name would be better as a dash mark.
--No need to capitalize for the above reason. The comma that I’ll remove is the one after ‘lives’, actually.

26-Aug-2011 15:52:46

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Like a disease, the religions spread their beliefs, like dark tentacles in the world…”
Comma after beliefs doesn’t need to be there.
--That’s right.
“…everyone believes in the one religion, the one denomination.”
That comma is better as a dash mark.
--There are many denominations within a religion, so it is better left as a comma.
“The teachings need to tap at the morality already existed within the conscience of mankind.”
Existed should be existing.
--Umm, why?
“Why else at the heart of all religions is a sense of unity and compassion between its followers?”
This should be: “Why else, at the heart of all religions, is there a sense of unity and compassion between its followers?
--I don’t see the need to add the commas, actually.
“…one of which had a steel gate where guards would twice a day come in and take him…”
Switch “twice a day” and “come in.” It sounds better that way.
--Okay.
“…he saw people on the outside carried on without him.”
Carried should be in the present tense (carry).
--Done.
“It was satisfying to hear the horrid scream that followed, as his teeth once again tore through the rat’s skin, again biting into the back of the animal and again tasting blood.”
The comma after followed doesn’t need to be there.
--It could be deleted, yes.
“He would find a porch of grass to sit on, and look up to the highest chamber in the tower, not saying a word.”
The comma after “on” is not needed.
--True.
“…to sit on the grass, waiting for him.”
That comma isn’t needed either.
--This one is.
“They would imagine what the other was saying, or thinking.”
Unnecessary comma… again.
--This one is, again.
“It seemed almost pointless, for, how could they be sure that their imagination wasn’t clouded by self-serving thoughts and ideas?”
The commas and the word for should just be removed and it should be two sentences instead of one.
--This shouldn’t be two sentences. It works fine just as it is.

26-Aug-2011 15:53:07

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“His father’s for issuing that order, but most of all, Ronny, for telling his father something that was never in his place to disclose.*
I think Ronny should also be a possessive proper noun.
--True. Good catch.
“When his mother suffered the brain injury he could have raised questions and challenged his father, denounced him publically…”
Comma after injury, and the end should be rephrased to: “...he could have raised questions and challenge his father and denounce him publically.” See the change in tenses that was needed?
--The comma is unnecessary. And I do not see the need to change tense, since ‘He could have raised questions, He could have challenged, He could have denounced’ all belongs in one tense.
“Edward didn't know that, never for a moment had Ronny been proud of what he had done.”
This should be rephrased to: “Edward did*’t know that Ronny has never been proud of what he did, not even for a moment.”
--I see no particular advantage this change offered.
“Why send letters when he could visit in person, if he truly cared?”
The comma should be a dash mark.
--It draws too much attention to itself, and a pause that size is not necessary.
*Nobody in the palace dared to confront the monster they made, nobody ever came for him, for five years. Nobody cared about him.”
The first comma should be a semi-colon or a period, and the second shouldn’t even be there.
--Changed to semicolon. Second comma will stay.
“He wished he had snapped his brother’s neck, in the same, easy way as he did to that rat, when he had the chance.”
The comma after same should not be there.
--This comma will be kept.
“Then, he too was innocent, he too had so much to look forward to, before Ronny ruined it all.”
Get rid of the comma after “to.”
--This one will be removed.
“There must have been one unfortunate occasion where Ronny had caught them together, behaving intimately.”
Change the end to: “behaving intimately together.”

26-Aug-2011 15:53:34

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

--There’s no advantage that I can see for doing so.
“…two thousand and thirty seven days…”
Thirty-seven should look like this—with a dash mark between thirty and seven. Also, the and shouldn’t be there.
--Why shouldn’t the and be there?
“…his explained the incredulous look he gave, when a guard announced that someone had come for him.”
The comma after gave shouldn’t be there.
--Right.
“Moved, because he thought he was no longer a living person, irredeemable.”
The comma after person should be a dash mark.
--Why should it?
“Still, there were no words exchanged yet, between the two.”
If you want that dramatic pause, I would rearrange it to something like this: “Still, the two did not exchange words—not yet.”
--I do not want the dramatic pause.
“Once it reached his mouth, despite instinct told him otherwise, he decided against spewing it.”
Told should be telling.
--This is right here.
“There was no strength, no authority, in his voice.”
Dash marks instead of commas feel more appropriate.
--I do not think so. This doesn’t require dash marks.
“The two guards exchanged looks, and went reluctantly away.”
Switch the last two words.
--I find the current version suffice.
“Ronny had thought that privacy would give him the courage to speak, but it was not easy, when Edward was there…”
The comma after easy isn’t needed.
--Correct.
“The Edward Ronny saw now, in the cell, was more exhausted and ill, than Ronny ever remembered.”
All those commas look wrong. I would remove them.
--Removing the one after ill will do.
“So much emotion, so much childhood memory was coming back to Ronny now.*
Make this plural.
--Was -> were?
“‘If you change your mind, let us know…’ Ronny muttered, before turning away, impatient to leave this humiliating silence.”
No comma after muttered.
--Sure.
“Once he was out of sight, he stopped, closed his eyes, and finally letting that tear roll down his cheek.”
Letting should just be let.

26-Aug-2011 15:53:53

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

--Letting is correct, I’m afraid.
“…he intended to hurt him just as he did, five years ago.”
The comma shouldn’t be there.
--I’m keeping this.
“It took Ronny everything, to face up to the past.”
I see the pause you want in there, but there is a better way to do it. Maybe something like this: “To face up to his past, it took everything Ronny had within.
--I might just remove that comma.
“Soon, Ronny would be king and the whole incident would be forgotten, forever.”
The second comma would be better off as an ellipses.
--I don’t like how ellipsis break up the sentences in general, however.
“…save the wind he could hear, knocking over plant pots in its way.”
That comma shouldn’t be there.
--This will be kept as it is.
“He could still marry him in front of that altar, if Tyler’s feelings for him remained unchanged, and if that is still what he wanted.”
The comma after altar represents *that is” which is better represented by a dash mark.
--Actually, removing the second comma seems to solve the problem.
“Edward’s eyes glowed as he imagined the things in life they could still do, together.”
Ellipses again.
--There is absolutely no need for one. If this were A/A, or a story of suspense, then probably. But this story clearly isn’t.
“To his surprise, when he opened his drawer, there was a note, a letter, without envelope, sitting on top of the pile of his belongings.”
Change the end to: “…there was a note—a letter without an envelope—sitting on top of the pile of his belongings.”
--Now, without ellipsis, the amount of commas here conveyed the suspense well enough. While your alternative grammatically works, it ruins the atmosphere slightly.
“…your father will have realised he was wrong about you, and could stand by, and watch you suffer no longer.”
The comma after by shouldn’t be there.
--Probably will get rid of this one.
“It is strange that the night you made love to me should seem so very, far away…”

26-Aug-2011 15:54:16

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The comma shouldn’t be there—a recurring theme.
--Good spot.
“I was torn between writing it, break your heart and hopefully secure your release, and in the same time, I didn't want to lose you, or hurt you any more than your family already did.”
Break should be breaking, and secure should be securing. In should be at.
--Not so sure about the tense here. I seem to think on the lines that those were subjunctives that may or may not happen, but the ‘writing’ is what might lead to them.
“…this is not your fault, or anybody else’s – well, maybe except your brother”
Brother should be brother’s.
--Good spot.
“I was never more in love, never more certain that the future was bright, with you by my side.”
“With you by my side,” should have “than I was” in front.
--Huh?
“It was difficult to think when so many emotions, so much emotion, were compressed**
That “so much emotion” there should not be there. If you want something like that, think of something different. “So much emotion” is so very wrong.
--This seems to be a poor comment, and it is poor because firstly (like many other comments of yours) you did not say WHY they should not be there. I do not know what rule, or based on what viewpoint you are stating this from. Secondly, the comment itself served little to no point, except simply saying it is ‘very wrong’ and I should ‘think of something different’. And BECAUSE I have seen this in a published book by an author whose position is unrivaled in contemporary British Literature, I suggest you tell him that he is very wrong also.
“So who has he been waiting for, in the last five years? The moment of reunion, or the hope of it, was shattered, forever.”
The comma after for shouldn’t be there. And the comma after shattered should be an ellipses if you want that pause.
--First comma maybe removed. But I’m afraid I do not share your fondness for ellipsis, nor do I see it as the only way to generate pause, or for that matter, suspense. Nor should it be.

26-Aug-2011 15:54:46

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“He looked around him, the village, the prison, Reldo, and the wilderness in the north. What a horrible world.”
Is he looking at the things around him? If so, put a colon after him instead of a comma.
--Yes, if you want to be grammatically correct.
“It didn't matter where he go.”
Go should be went.
--I’ll consider that.
“I hoped those, and what survived in memory would be enough to give him the justice he deserved.”
Comma after memory.
--This one, on the contrary, is not necessary.
“If anything, I would not deny the right of others to know the truth, of what happened to Edward.”
Comma after truth shouldn’t be there.
--True.
“Then, one day I realised how empty, how hollow the palace seemed, without family.”
Put the comma after hollow instead of after seemed.
--Why exactly? The syntax ‘How empty, how hollow it seemed, without family’ is perfectly fine.
“It was silly of me to write Edward that letter, and think that Edward would still come back and agree to be king, if Tyler was not here.”
The comma after king shouldn’t be there.
--Removing the first comma made more sense than the second.
“I owed Edward an explanation, of how it happened and why I did the things I did.”
The comma should be a dash mark.
--Both works grammatically, but I do not like how the dash affects the flow and continuity of the reading voice here.
“I would be even more of a coward, if I were to write in my novel that, Edward had forgiven me or, he still loved me, and cared about me like he used to.”
Wow! Yikes! Every comma in there shouldn’t be there.
--Will delete first and last.
“This, is my purpose.”
No comma.
--Comma required.

----------------------

As if that isn't enough...I've implemented many more changes. O_o

26-Aug-2011 15:55:54

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