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Anne Lauten

Anne Lauten

Posts: 3,830 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Seemingly oblivous to the noise as the demon steadily worked its way into the cave, Teegan explained.

"Sukrae, Taena and I will boost you up to this hole that the other creatures came out of, ok?"

Sukrae looked confused. "Why? what can I possibly do from up there?"

"Well while we fight it you try to cast a spell, even a left handed spell would be better then nothing, and I see that you've got some darts you can throw if you can't cast a spell."

"Ok I'll try."

So with much grunting (And almost dropping him once or twice) the girls managed to heave him up to the opening.

"If only I'd brought my wrist mounted poison spine shooters.......," Sukrae muttered, steadying himself with his good arm.

Teegan however, didn't hear him.

"Charge!" she yelled to Taena, running over to the monster and slicing its arm as it began clambering through the opening.

Taena was right there, dagger flashing as she whipped it back and forth, shredding the behemoth's wrist. It bellowed in pain and shook its limb, nearly smashing Teegan against the wall.

03-Jul-2006 01:42:15 - Last edited on 27-Oct-2006 23:55:31 by Anne Lauten

Redripper22

Redripper22

Posts: 1,739 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
name:redripper22
race:cursed angel
gender:female
wepon:crystal bow with heart shaped arrows
backround: a girl who was tricked on going inot the wilds and dyeing in the most dusgusting manor bye a chaos elemental

appirence:tan cavalier red menahpite adn blue sandlas
hair light bown sun tan pig tails very kind

attatude:shy and scared ofher life
special abilatyes: creating monsters to raise trouble :(

03-Jul-2006 01:59:18

Anne Lauten

Anne Lauten

Posts: 3,830 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It came through the wall, with a sound like fifty rockets blasting off.

Teegan shrank against the wall, breathing hard; it was very big, so big that she only came up to its knee. She opened her mouth to sceam but no sound came out.

In the meantime however, Taena had been trying to sink her weapon into the back of its leg..... and not having much sucess at it, true she had gotten in back of it a couple times and had even drawn blood, but each time it had turned away, trying to find its seemingly invisible attacker.

From up in his cave Sukrae readied the first of his poisoned darts (He had had no luck with the spells, sometimes it pays to be ambidexterous) and threw it, watching as it soared twoard the demon and struck it right between the eyes; just where he was aiming at, he grinned to himself.

The demon reached up with one huge claw and plucked out the dart, something felt funny, it thought, oh well must just be a splinter, it decieded and began trying to mush the annoying little thing running around at its feet.

Meanwhile, Teegan had gotten over her fright and started doing the same thing Taena was doing, dancing around and staying in back of the monster so it couldn't see her. This went on for quite a while, until the sisters were getting tired and Sukrae had thrown all his darts in vain, and was staring, horrified at the specticle, not being able to do anything but watch as his friends got weaker and weaker.

Finally he stopped looking and, with all his remaining power, tried one last time to cast a spell.

03-Jul-2006 02:19:46 - Last edited on 27-Oct-2006 23:55:57 by Anne Lauten

[#4NOKTSX8A]

[#4NOKTSX8A]

Posts: 7,404 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nice story Anne its a good start :D Is this your first story? Because if it is, you have made a pretty good start and I would like to see more.

I see you have started your "chapter's" in a more paraghraph way which, don't get me wrong, its normal for a start I've been doing chapters 80 posts big but that's my way of writting and you have yours.

I notice that to the 'end' of the story your chapters tend to grow in size and qualitie and I'm guessing your starting to gain trust in the story which is very good for the authoer and for those who anxiously await the next add. I had some troubles reading the dialogues unfortunatly, maybe you should try anouther line of approach to these, like separate them:

She pulled open the door " Taena? " she said " I thought you were in falador with Brant! "

" Brant is dead " said Taena starting to cry " I found him it was awful he was frozen.. I'm sure it was an ice spell "

" Oh Taena " said Teegan " Come in and sit down "

It makes it easier for readers to read(duh) and opens a wide range of possibilites to give emotion or description to the story. Like this:

" Brant is dead " said Taena, small tears ran down her face as she sighed these words, Teegan could feel the pain in her sisters heart as her grief was present in every small word of her dialogue "I found him, it was awful he was frozen.. I'm sure it was an ice spell"

This is just my opinion but I think it would improve you story alot if you had description to the way your characters behave. Make the readers 'feel' the characters, make them picture in their head, an image of the character as she is behaving on that moment.

Try it out ;) Well if you want a bio just ask I have one ready to give to anyone who wants. :D

03-Jul-2006 13:10:15 - Last edited on 03-Jul-2006 15:03:09 by [#4NOKTSX8A]

Anne Lauten

Anne Lauten

Posts: 3,830 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm working on description and yes, this is my first story. I've considererd your way of spacing the story but for me, it takes to long as I don't usully have to much time on.

03-Jul-2006 16:01:35 - Last edited on 03-Jul-2006 16:02:03 by Anne Lauten

[#4NOKTSX8A]

[#4NOKTSX8A]

Posts: 7,404 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~+~Like I said, each individual as its own way of writting and I'm not gonna try to plunge mine into your head :P I find your story attractive as it is and for a first story your very talented but there is always space to improve.

I do hope you don't end your carrier as an author here with this story, join a writting clan and listen to their advices you'll learn much and improve even more, they can help you with the description and much more liek minor grammar mistakes :D

Myself I'm not part of one but I'm working on that way ;) ~+~

03-Jul-2006 16:57:14

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